I am not interested in what MIGHT work, I want to know what WILL work
If a book with that guarantee existed, it would outsell the Bible.
Btw, are you really sure that Dr Laura's book has worked for EVERY woman who's tried it? If every woman on this forum read and implemented its theories would their days with an LD husband be over forever?
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Quote: And I am not interested in what MIGHT work, I want to know what WILL work (Like Dr. Lauras book for women).
Cemar, Dr. Laura's book MIGHT work, it is not guaranteed that it WILL work.
You have evidence of that right here on this forum. There are several HD wives who are cooking & sexing their husbands and it STILL doesn't get them the sex they desire.
So, men can be just as recalcitrant and immune to formulaic solutions as women can.
There were two things that worked in our relationship -
Amen Bud I think successful DB techniques could be summed up in a few pages really and your post is a great start. Those of us who've been helped by DB (whether the R was saved or not) were helped by coming to the realization that we can't control others. If our life is going to change in a positive way and be a positive influence, change has to start with us. We need to stop focusing/blaming our S and accept responsibility for changing ourselves within the R and hope those changes will bring about positive change in the R too. I've never made progress by focusing on what J is doing wrong or striving to change him. That's when the backslides happen. I'm finding though that the more I live for me and meet my goals the happier I am. Still have some R problems, but the less time I spend relying on someone else to bring me fulfillment, the more time I spend find what fullfills me outside the R. Has been a slow and angry process for me, but worthwhile!
CeMar.. do you see what's being said? There isnt a book, a magic pill or anything that can be easily done by you that'll make your W HD. If it existed, I'd have spent my life savings on it to change my S. Don't drag your feet on getting out and making yourself happy - whatever that means. If you can't D.. well, then you can live in a R with a LD spouse. You've been doing that, so it's possible. All that remains is finding a way to be happy with the hand you've been dealt. If the facts are that you're not gonna D, your W isnt going to magically become HD, then what can you do for yourself to make each day fulfilling? It's a struggle, I know personally. I also "cannot" leave my R. I could, but I've made a decision not to because I love J and we've put our kids through too much to go down that road again. Having made that decision, the choice is clear.. be happy or do whatever it takes to get there, or be unhappy with my choice and kid myself that I can change my SO and "someday" life will be good again.
Oops - thanks Lil. I'm still in a haze of fever and cold symptoms. Yes, it is an excellent book and is clearly from the Christian perspective. Cemar - you asked for a Christian version of the Deida material - this is it. It is about YOU not her. However, as with Deida, as with other materials, change in one person will tilt the R dynamic in such a way that the old rules don't apply and the other person will have to figure out where they and their behavior in the marriage fits. It is no guarantee that your W will one day wake up and be the nympho of your neighborhood. However, just maybe it will be an impetus for her to participate in the marriage. Open your eyes Cemar you keep wanting to wave a magic wand over her and change her - if I were her I would wind up resisting that too.
Dr. Lauras book does not address the HD female/LD male situation. Her techniques will NOT work for them.
But lets look at the typical HD man/LD female problem. There are 2 solutions, Deida's and Dr. Laura's. Here they are: Deida - HD Man changes then LD women (possibly) changes. Dr. Laura - LD woman changes which CAUSES HD man to change.
Deida AND Dr. Laura both agree that if HD man changes, there is NO direct force on the woman to change. It is STILL her decision. But Dr. Laura also recognizes that HD men are chemically driven by testosterone. Women HAVE no equal to this. So her solution goes WITH nature, by using the full effects of testosterone. When you go the other way, the man is FIGHTING nature, their is no chemical equivalent in women that drives her like testosterone drive a HD male. Please tell me what drives a woman so hard that she would be willing to change ANYTHING about herself to get it. So Deidas solutions require consious decisions by both parties while Dr. Lauras requires only the FEMALE to make consious decisions. The man automatically responds in a Deida like fashion.
Also, if you look at any possible solution, the critical step is that the the woman MUST implement Dr. Laura's strategy (meaning becoming higher in desire). If the women does NOT implement Dr. Laura's strategy in some way, then no positive solution is possible.
So what all of us guys are doing is basically just trying to make ourselves appealing enough for the women to actually start the REAL work of changing themselves. If the women does not change herself, then what us guys do really has no effect on our CURRENT relationship.
I am not trying to say Deida's book is bad, I think it has some very good points. But from the way he has written the book, it seems clear that he expects little success in fixing SSM's. It seems to me that it might help with LD women, but for ND women, or women that have the desire follows arrousal complex, then what ever the man does is really not even a consideration. We could be the most alpha male ever and these women are NOT going to repsond the way they should.
Ah. Fair point. But we're really comparing apples to oranges, then. Dr Laura is telling the LD wife she must change. Nobody is telling the HD husband what to do to make his LD wife change because there's no such thing. You can attempt to behave in such a way that your LD wife will *want* to pick up Dr Laura's book and figure out what to do to make you happy but if she doesn't have that in her, then she doesn't.
Wild at Heart is a very good book but it isn't going to cause your LD wife to become HD, either. Unless she does.
You're incapable of happiness in a life that doesn't include sex with your wife. Do you believe this is God's will for you, to live in misery? Have you asked your minister about it?
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Please tell me what drives a woman so hard that she would be willing to change ANYTHING about herself to get it The H leaving her and the kids, usually does it.
I have been reading a forum that is mostly composed of women that have WAH's. Some get it after the H leaves. Some H's are just jerks. Some H's are in a fog. Some W's are or were in a fog.
The question is, what can be done instead of leaving. I think Schnarch's works have solutions for some people. The Nop's had their confrontations. They made it.
Honestly - let's say the LD woman picks up Dr. Laura's book and changes to match. The HD man isn't necessarily going to change in the way she want either. There are no guarantees. Just as there are no guarantees the other way. I think it is fair to say that there is a pretty good chance that there will be positive change.
Burg's point is well taken. Think about it.
Also, I'm still waiting for the book to come out that tells men to "feed her, sex her, and admire her" - I'll tell ya - it would do wonders for my attitude too and I don't have much testosterone!
Quote: I have been reading a forum that is mostly composed of women that have WAH's. Some get it after the H leaves. Some H's are just jerks. Some H's are in a fog. Some W's are or were in a fog.
Hi Lou,
Is this a forum on this site? Or another? Could you provide a link...?
You have to join. There are many forums devoted to different topics.
Go to the mens MLC forum. There is a thread for sexually frustrated men started by a woman and other women that realize part of the problems with their M was lack of interest in sex on their part before the H left.
The thread title is To Dewpoint, Still_Jim and other sexually frustrated men Dewpoint had a sexless M for 7 years. Still Jim needs sex 3X a week to be happy. Just two extremes I know about.
Many of the women's WAH are also in a fog and already have an OW and the female posters still want their H back "IF he would give up the OW" and work on some of their/his (H) issues.
Many of the women on other threads say they were hot in the sack and that didn't keep their H from straying.
Some of the women are very vocal about men talking about their LDW, saying it is all the H's fault, yada, yada, yada. At first I was thinking these women don't get it, till another woman said they dont get it because they are the LBS and are still hurting too much to see anyone elses POV. IE good women but in too much pain. They need support so don't be put off if some make comments all men are jerks, selfish ba$tards, ant they (W) was an angle.
Some men post that have an OW and say why they left their W. The women are all over guys like that at first, but eventually the thread settles down, the women quit calling the guy a jerk, but actually try to help the H out as much as they can and he is willing to accept help.
I will call the website more blue collar type folks, not as well read or academic type of discussions go on and fewer psylogical theories/models used there. Well compared to the SSM forum anyway. No dummies there by any means.
There is a forum for women that think about leaving their H or have a strong desire to be with another man but haven’t done anything about their feelings.
It is a place to hear lots of opinions of the many marital stories. Some wise cracking going on, mostly to cover up some anxiety and trying to make the other posters feel a little less sad/depressed.
I think successful DB techniques could be summed up in a few pages really and your post is a great start. Those of us who've been helped by DB (whether the R was saved or not) were helped by coming to the realization that we can't control others. If our life is going to change in a positive way and be a positive influence, change has to start with us. We need to stop focusing/blaming our S and accept responsibility for changing ourselves within the R and hope those changes will bring about positive change in the R too. I've never made progress by focusing on what J is doing wrong or striving to change him. That's when the backslides happen. I'm finding though that the more I live for me and meet my goals the happier I am. Still have some R problems, but the less time I spend relying on someone else to bring me fulfillment, the more time I spend find what fullfills me outside the R. Has been a slow and angry process for me, but worthwhile!