Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Piecing Our Marriage Back Together Again The more things change...

Hey, at this point, it's your choice. If you want to drag yourself, and your H, back through the muck and the mire, you certainly can.

It's pure compulsion and you can beat it if you want to but it's difficult, just like giving up crack or coke, cause you get a charge out of doing it, and you're addicted to that charge.

What happened to our boiling cauldron of DB hotness? Who threw in the ice cubes?

Now crank up the heat and get back in the game will ya?

thanks for the 2x4's TL, I still need them

I won't whine to my H tonight, not one complain will cross my lips about how he isnt' salivating for me; he's paid me more compliments lately and he's being so good to me. I'm throwing sticks in the fire and warming up the DB cauldron, lol .

Again, I think reading some sitches throw me back, so I try to stay here (piecing) mostly-- though if I see a new sad soul entering DB I just have to try and see if I can help.

No this am again, I could've fumed like I used to, but I was sweet to him, and what did I get? him hugging me and telling me I looked nice

It does pay to grow up.

Cat,

Don't feel too bad I tend to do the comparision thing too and it's just a dark hole that hurts. Maybe you should do what I've done on recommendation of my therapist. Start a list of what you like about yourself (I've done mine in my new day planner) and then read them every morning. Add a new thing every few days or so.

My apologies TL for the hijack,

Thanks running , this is indeed a journey, an uphill journey alright.

After another talk w/h last night. He pretty much told me that at some degree he is unable, for now, to give me the support I want/need, that what I see is what I get for now, that this is all he has to give me for now. Another I must learn, he's lost lots of himself during the whirlwind of MLC and the botched A.

And even though I am very aware of my needyness and I try so hard not to let it show (and i thought i was doing a good at it) he texted me that by being so needy I make things worse. It was like a slap to actually have him "saying it", it is true, but it still hurt. I was almost tempted to do my aloof routine, but I knew this was just not the way to go anymore.

He is still piecing himself, so I must focus on working on detaching TL style, and free myself and leave him alone.

TL,
Excellent post!! It is so wonderful to come here and read, it is truely inspiring.

Cat,
Go back and read the first entry by TL. Your H has told you that he is giving you all he can give right now, you need to pick up the slack and take care of yourself. You can do it, I know you can!

Hey Cat, if I can get past the physical comparisons to OM (He is literally like some kind of Greek god or something. Chiseled body, great looking, etc, etc, etc...me, pretty good looking, skinny and, well, not him) then you can.

GH

hey GH, if I had half your detachment I'll be set for life

I think that sometimes I get those stupid thoughts because the ugliness of the A and all that engulfed it is going down, like a wounded squid, and now and then a tentacle tries to desperatly drag me down in some way, any way. But, its going DOWN, and I want it down and dead.

cat, hon, it may be like that for a while, has been for me. I got to a point where I saw clearly that it had become my ball game, my game to lose.

I still have a moment every day or two that I don't know how to explain, probably some kind of wimpy version of PTSD. I just sort of sit and shudder at all that's happened, all we've been through. It's a huge thing. I tried to wrap my brain around it and understand it (my nature) for a long time and just couldn't. I learned a lot, but it's just too huge, or some kind of code that my brain can't grok (for you software geeks out there).

That's when I get tempted to dive back into the abyss.

It's not rational, it's obsessive. For me, anyway.

There's a danger in dwelling on that stuff and I just remembered a Nietszche quote that went something like:

"Don't forget that when you look into the abyss, the abyss also looks into you."

There is only one way to avoid it. Don't look.

Well, I regret that I may have to give this board up altogether. Things are still good and growing between my W and I, but there has been something new.

Right now I'm so angry and frustrated I don't know what to do.

As anyone who's read my sitch knows, one of the things that has made this so difficult is that my W contracted gential herpes from the OM and passed it on to me. Well, it turns out she has it orally as well as genitally and my 11 year old just got a cold sore. Never had one before in his life and while it is possible that it wasn't passed along by my W, it's highly likely that is exactly what happened.

So I apologize in advance because this is partly due to my anger right now but all you dumb@sses out there who have no self-control, who would rather dishonor yourselves, lie and manipulate and whatever just so you can be happy by screwing someone you like better than your spouse and think you can control the entire situation, you can't.

It may be rare that something like this ends up affecting a child but what kind of person takes that bet? My hope is that one cheating idiot out there might read this and stop and think about what's going on for a minute and how sorry they will be when they realize how much this stuff affects our children in ways you can't control or know in advance.

The only way to be safe is to live right. It's bad when things happen to kids but it's worse when you're responsible because you couldn't keep your pants zipped or your legs together and make an honorable choice even if you think it won't make you happy.

Your innocent child's right to happiness trumps yours.

The pain of this is unbearable and I know it's tough for my W but right now I just don't care. I feel like I've let him down by choosing someone for his mother who obviously didn't deserve him. I'm just sick about it.

TL,
Go ahead and rant and rave here. I am in no way trying to defend your W because I do not condone cheating but I'm pretty sure she feels like $hit right now. Try not to rub her face in it. I know you are upset but maybe this cold sore has nothing to do with your W, aren't there 2 kinds of herpes?

Quote:

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I feel like I've let him down by choosing someone for his mother who obviously didn't deserve him.

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No mother I know would intentionally harm their child. Please don't say that she doesn't deserve him. That is not fair to her or your son.