Great post!!!! I am soooo thrilled to read that things are well and more then that you are focusing on a truly healthy relationship (i.e. GALing and DBing). I have to agree with you 100% about the whole thing not being about them coming back, but creating a better self which ultimately helps in creating better relationships.
Also, I can understand about the backsliding. I have to watch that too. I find when I backslide things aren't so smooth. I think it takes a lot of practice and effort in the beginning of piecing to make healthy behaviors and PMA habit. And then every so often we need to review where we are.
Actually the suffering from the A and thoughts about it will stop, but it will take many years. Eventually you'll be able to think about it and even imagine it without any pain. Yes, in 7 to 10 years it will be nothing. Honestly.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
TL, great stuff as always. I am SO glad you shared your thoughts. This can be a tough time of year for many people around here, and an uplifting commentary like that can really do some good. Thank you.
It just finally hit me. I don't think I really completely got it til after the fact, til after I started getting what I thought I needed.
All along as good things happened they were really good...but never good enough! And because of that I thought there was something wrong. But there was nothing wrong. It was just that, even though I had done a pretty good job of the DB stuff, deep in the back of my mind somewhere was always this hope of some kind of "shangri-la" experience when everything REALLY clicked.
And it just never really happened that way.
So it hit me. The things I thought I needed/wanted/whatever were conjured up by the OLD me and sort of hung around and kind of whispered in the ears of the NEW me occasionally.
But the new me couldn't really buy it cause the new me doesn't really need it anymore.
I want it. I love sharing it.
But what is really satisfying is the sense of independence and strength. It blows everything else out of the water. It blows away anything my W can give me as well.
However, it makes sharing with my W much sweeter.
I just think it's really important for folks who are in the midst of this to realize that even if your S throws themselves at your feet and swears undying love and passion for you...it STILL won't be enough, because OUR problems are really WITHIN OURSELVES.
My W told me that I made her see that something that she thought was impossible was actually possible. And I did it not by whining, crying, being angry, arguing, or insulting her.
I did it by letting go, not of her, because we never really "have" someone else anyway, but releasing all the negativity that was making me clutch at her, by quietly finding strength and going about doing good things, quietly and sincerely, to the best of my ability. It really is all about dropping the rope. I didn't have to feign distance, coldness, anything else, because all that is simply manipulation anyway if you're honest with yourself.
And in my case it also allowed me to be honest and direct about my feelings for my wife, to my wife, occasionally verbally, but usually through actions...with an occasional word or two if appropriate.
All along I thought the goal was to quit being a problem in my marriage, and that IS important. But what we REALLY need to do is stop being a problem for OURSELVES. Once we do that, everything seems to click on its own.
But when I started getting what I wanted, and it wasn't enough, or it didn't "feel" right, or whatever, I thought it meant I didn't care anymore, didn't love my wife, or thought it meant I "intuitively" knew she was yanking my chain. ALL WRONG!
What I think it means is that, just a few weeks shy of my 40th birthday, I may have finally grown up.
You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means. -- Inigo Montoya, 'The Princess Bride'
TL, I just dont' know what to say, I really needed to read this, I see it as a place I need to be. I could pretty much quote your whole post but this totally hit home:
Quote: I did it by letting go, not of her, because we never really "have" someone else anyway
I recall my C saying that, "you dont' own him, he is his own person, you cn'at make him do and feel what you want him to do/feel." That's the same faulty logic that led me to take him for granted during the old M.
Quote: , but releasing all the negativity that was making me clutch at her, by quietly finding strength and going about doing good things, quietly and sincerely, to the best of my ability. It really is all about dropping the rope. I didn't have to feign distance, coldness, anything else, because all that is simply manipulation anyway if you're honest with yourself.
It dawned on me today on my way from the gym that as much as I want to hear ILY from my H I won't try to persuade him to do so any more, I will "drop the rope" and have him say it on his own.
It is so very necesary to stop feigning distance/aloofness, etc; you are totally right, doing so IS a form of manipulation. Life is too short for that kind of nonsence, and I didnt' suffer for months to not have learned a thing about using those kind of tricks.
Did I say I was glad you posted?
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
I can't agree more with losing the old expectations and just appreciating what is and losing bad habits of manipulation.
Good points!!!
TL, the holiday actually went really well for me and my family. We had a great Christmas. In the past I used to get really stressed about gifts, family get-togethers, etc... but I have totally learned to let go. I wrapped the kids presents early so I didn't have to deal with the "I don't want to go to your dad's for Christmas eve because I'm too busy...."
I was open and flexible to every thing going on. Not stressed. Anything negative that happened I just kind of did the best and moved on. I even threw a Christmas dessert party the Saturday before xmas, did some radical baking and was calm and happy through the whole thing!!! It was really good.
Overall things were good, but I did have one very bad backslide at the end of a snowboarding trip we took around New Years. It was like I fell back into the hole and had to climb out. But I'm out now and doing much better.
Thanks for asking, and also sharing your great insights!
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
Hey TL, for some stupid reason I was compelled to go to ow's myspace page and now of course I have her image burn in my mind, it was going away, now it is fresh again, and here I go again making physical comparisons and feeling ill again. I know, looks aren't every thing.
I was almost beyond this crap, guess it is a bump in the road and I should leave it at that, he didtn' leave me for her of for how she looked like, I know that, it is my vanity that is making me sick.
I brought it upon myself, wish I could unlearn her myspace url, I'm so stupid somedays
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
