DB, to me, is really an approach to becoming a strong, loving, independent individual. In the end, it's not really about getting your S back, it's about getting YOU back because that's just healthy, how we're made to be.
The great news is, that's our best shot at saving our M and family, doing our best to give our kids a shot at a better family and life with their parents.
My W and I have had an amazing holiday. Not perfect, mind you, but not too shabby considering where we've been.
Over the holidays we had some good alone time. She actually did just about all the things I had hoped for all this time, but when it actually came, having her do those things ended up not being nearly as important as I dreamed they would be several months back. She's been extremely sweet to me, opened up to me and really talked/shared, made time to spend together, responded passionately to my advances, threw herself at me sexually a time or two.
Stuff I never thought would happen, and stuff that I thought would make all the difference in the world if it did.
Well it's been great. But for those of you who long for the same things, let me tell you...it's very satisfying, but it doesn't make the difference I thought it would.
There's something even better than all that, and that's the sense of security and strength and well-being independent of her that I have been fortunate to find in myself that I have been able to bring back to our marriage more and more over the past weeks.
What I found when I started getting what I wanted from her was that what I really needed was more from myself. The fact that she'd gotten to a place where she wanted to give it to me was wonderful, but it didn't quench the thirst I had because what I think we don't realize, and what DB is there to teach us, is that deep down what we really want, crave, need is strength and independence, not external validation from another human being. That's great, but it's fleeting and putting too much stock in it can ruin us.
For me, as a Christian, I seek and receive that from God which results in my own personal independence and strength. I DO believe it's possible to be strong and independent no matter what you believe or think, and that we can successfully manage our relationships out of that, but I personally think that, ultimately, we are designed to remain unfulfilled apart from a relationship with God. But that's me.
I've made many mistakes along this process and continue to make mistakes. Most of us here do. All I know is that things didn't start getting better for me until I began making choices and living without having my sense of well-being and worth and happiness tied up in what I was or wasn't getting from my W. I know it's easier said than done. But once I managed to start doing that much of the time, it not only got easier to do as time went on, but the reason it got easier is because my mindset changed, my outlook changed, and that helped changed the dynamic of my R with my W.
I feel fortunate and thankful that we've been able to reconcile and make some progress rebuilding the mess we'd made of our M. Nothing is guaranteed. I can still screw it up and so can she. But as time goes on I have more and more confidence that we won't. Still a daily choice, though.
Anyhow I started this process back in the summer while experiencing the most extreme emotional pain I've ever felt from my W's betrayal and just how utterly hopeless everything looked back then. I started this not too convinced that I'd ever have a decent M with her again, but I did it for myself and because I had nothing to lose, really, anymore. I didn't want to be a mess for the rest of my life, totally at the mercy of my fear of loss or of being hurt again.
In the end, letting go isn't really for them; it's for you.
Ironically, in my case, the more I let go, the more I've gotten back. If it has any chance of really working, that's how it works...when I finally got to the point I was fine with or without her.
But it never ends. It's very easy to slip ever so slowly back into an unhealthy dependence on your S. I've caught myself doing it often. But the good news is that...I've finally been able to recognize it and catch it. It makes a huge difference!
6 months ago she wanted to divorce me, split up our family, and go be with OP.
By the time the holidays got here, we were doing pretty good as some of you know. Interestingly, one night I was slipping off my wedding ring to give her a foot massage and (this is 100% true) noticed that my ring was a little springy feeling as I squeezed it to remove it. It was cracked, split clean through on one side!
Of course, the poet in me saw it as a sign that the new marriage was so good it was bursting the seams of the old one (new wine in old wine skins, for you Biblical folks), the old M was dead but a new one was being resurrected.
The pragmatist in me saw my cheap Wal-Mart wedding band finally giving way...but why now of all times? Who knows?
My W just said...boy that's wierd.
For Christmas she bought me a new wedding band and said she was glad I created the possibility for a second chance even when she didn't really want one or believe it was possible that we'd ever be happy together again. Said she was thankful I was able to do that, to create a climate for a new relationship and marriage.
For those of you pieicing LBS's out there...yes, even with getting most everything I want, I still have moments of rage and anger, bad memories and visions of her with OM that spring up. But now, if I let them take us down, it's my fault, not hers, because she's done her part. She's back.
That's why it's really about us, not them. We either let the hurt and negativity swallow us, or we don't. And even if we do let it swallow us, we can, like Jonah, pray to be delivered from the belly of the fish, and God is faithful to do that.
The suffering doesn't really just stop, it just sort of tapers off. I still suffer a little over this from time to time. You probably will too. You just have to suffer and not make everyone around you pay the price. It has taught me a lot about how God suffers over us.
And it has reminded me that God didn't simply strike down Goliath. David's stone thrown in faith did. He still had to go out and look Goliath in the eye and fling the rock just as we have to act right, face our fears, be positive with our spouses, and simply do what we're supposed to do.
The things that have helped us/me have been these things:
1. Seeking fulfillment from a relationship with God and seeking His will in my life above all other things 2. Seeing a good counselor regularly 3. Spilling my guts on this board 4. In line with #1, not quitting, staying positive, doing the DB stuff (180s, GAL, PMA, detaching), and simply trying to be the best father I could be to my kids, and the best husband I could be to my wife to the degree that she was comfortable with.
You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means. -- Inigo Montoya, 'The Princess Bride'
TL, Thanks for sharing this. I posted in my thread about some things that I'm struggling with. My W has taken off her ring, man that hurts. Reading in your post that 6 months after wanting out, your W is buying you a new ring is so inspiring.
Again, thanks for sharing and giving my faith a shot in the arm.
I can't thank you enough for your insights. I am getting to that place now too...where I feel peaceful and really happy inside, regardless of the circumstances of my M.
Dealing with the hurt is a conscious battle, and the better I get at identifying and turning my back on the path those thoughts wish to take me, the stronger and more in-control of everything else I become.
In a lot of ways, I am grateful for this entire experience--I never would have asked for it, but I've learned more from it than any other, and I fully intend to use the lessons learned for the rest of my life.
I'm very happy to see how well things are going, with the occasional unavoidable missteps, things are going well, my H has also opened up a bit more, it's amazing how when we have a dissagreement it actually evolves into him opening up to me as to what he feels.
He actually told me in the back of his mind he thinks I might actually still want revenge for what he did to me, not because I've said it but because if the tables were reversed he coudlnt' see himself forgiving such offenses (what he did to me) And that's why sometimes it is hard for him to get close to me. (newbies, take note, it's hard for the WAS to process forgiveness)
I have to work even harder on scaling down my hissy fits, now that i know that whenever I get upset he thinks I am extracting my revenge on him. By all means I dont' harbor hate and I told him that, it is mostly sadness and regret, I couldnt' hate him.
Sooooo, we are both still working at understanding each other, and I have learned that if I pile the drama too thick he thinks I'm taking revenge, and that's the last thing on earth I'd every do. So, I need to work on myself more on that part.
TL, I need to be at that same level of detachment you are, I still hang onto my H to feel good about myself, I sort of regressed s a bit when he came back, hoping he'd "make it all right". Now that' I'm the "aggressive" one in the SL department, he says it feels strange since I was never like that, so I guess it is time to change strategies and not pursue him as much even if we do ML each tiem I do. It will be hard but it needs to be done, I need to stop depending on him to feel good.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Quote: (newbies, take note, it's hard for the WAS to process forgiveness)
Exactly. And it's just as hard for us to actually live it. It's not an even; it's a process. Sure, we decided initially to do it, but we have to keep cashing that in for them every day.
WAS definitely feel like they don't deserve it...cause they never tell you everything...and they KNOW how badly they did you. I came to realize that's one of the reasons it takes so much time. They have to see it's for real.
Easier said than done...but like most of this stuff it gets easier the more it's done!
Quote: I have to work even harder on scaling down my hissy fits
Heh! I'll bet you do. I'll bet they're pretty good
Quote:
Sooooo, we are both still working at understanding each other, and I have learned that if I pile the drama too thick he thinks I'm taking revenge, and that's the last thing on earth I'd every do. So, I need to work on myself more on that part.
That's great! So glad to hear it!
Quote: TL, I need to be at that same level of detachment you are, I still hang onto my H to feel good about myself, I sort of regressed s a bit when he came back, hoping he'd "make it all right".
Yeah but you're rockin' now...a veritable boiling cauldron of DB hotness!
Quote: Now that' I'm the "aggressive" one in the SL department, he says it feels strange since I was never like that, so I guess it is time to change strategies and not pursue him as much even if we do ML each tiem I do. It will be hard but it needs to be done, I need to stop depending on him to feel good
Hey, I may be missing something but that may not be a bad thing. Change and newness can be really good and simply reinforce the idea that things are new and different. Why not just go after him (as long as he's open to it) not to make yourself feel good but just cause it's fun and, hey, y'all are married, you have a license after all!
You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means. -- Inigo Montoya, 'The Princess Bride'
Quote: Yeah but you're rockin' now...a veritable boiling cauldron of DB hotness!
ROFLMAO, you are a hoot, I just had to throw my head back and LOL
Thanks TL, now I remember why I come here often
As for the ML sitch, ever after all that has happened, he is still sooooooo shy to talk about anything sex-related, so that's why i'm wondering if slowing down is the way to go. But in the other hand you are right, whatever I do I should do it out of affection, because I truly do want him, and, heck! 'cause is fun too!
Thanks to the reply to my tread, I can't recall being that helpful to you but I'm glad I was there for you, you have been such a good friend when I felt very low)))))
edited to ad: boy I talked about me me and me, I truly am happy how well your sitch has turned, and that your W got you a new ring you really deserved it.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Amazing and insightful post. I don't know how you got all of that into words, but I'm grateful that you did! It's a keeper and reminder to me of what DB is about.
Thanks for sharing! Im so happy to hear that your M is thriving
Great post!!!! I am soooo thrilled to read that things are well and more then that you are focusing on a truly healthy relationship (i.e. GALing and DBing). I have to agree with you 100% about the whole thing not being about them coming back, but creating a better self which ultimately helps in creating better relationships.
Also, I can understand about the backsliding. I have to watch that too. I find when I backslide things aren't so smooth. I think it takes a lot of practice and effort in the beginning of piecing to make healthy behaviors and PMA habit. And then every so often we need to review where we are.
Actually the suffering from the A and thoughts about it will stop, but it will take many years. Eventually you'll be able to think about it and even imagine it without any pain. Yes, in 7 to 10 years it will be nothing. Honestly.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
Great post!!!! I am soooo thrilled to read that things are well and more then that you are focusing on a truly healthy relationship (i.e. GALing and DBing). I have to agree with you 100% about the whole thing not being about them coming back, but creating a better self which ultimately helps in creating better relationships.
Also, I can understand about the backsliding. I have to watch that too. I find when I backslide things aren't so smooth. I think it takes a lot of practice and effort in the beginning of piecing to make healthy behaviors and PMA habit. And then every so often we need to review where we are.
Actually the suffering from the A and thoughts about it will stop, but it will take many years. Eventually you'll be able to think about it and even imagine it without any pain. Yes, in 7 to 10 years it will be nothing. Honestly.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
