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Tambear, think about times when you are NOT thinking about H. What is happening, what are you doing? There must be times when your mind is on other things. Look for exceptions to the norm (the norm being worrying and fretting about H) and try and repeat those things. What things have you done in the past that worked when you were like this? I find physical activity really helps, you know, running, walking, dance, yoga whatever works for you. Are there things you've always wanted to learn, maybe a new language, cooking style, aerobics because now is the time to let those new exciting growth experiences into your life. Lastly, get in touch with your higher power, look to something that is bigger than both you and your sitch. It can get better and, the reality is, the only way to get him back is to take care of you. How can we expect our S's to love us if we don't love ourselves first? Start there. Take care.

Please listen to WI and myself ! (there will be others btw..) Tam..No desperation... Come on !

You must get back to yourself ! There was a reason your H married you and you did the same ? Get there immediately ! Find YOU ! Be yourself and quit the stuff, ok ?

Tom

Tam - you need to start concentrating on you, no one else.

Your H doesn't complete who you are, you are your own person. And if HE decides he is going to come back or not, is his decision. In the meantime you need to take care of YOU

Just remember, as a couple you do not complete a "set". It takes two people, participating 100% each (not 50/50) to make a relationship work. If he's not there 100% you need to be able to move on and complete your own 100% world

Thanks, Whatisis. That really helped. I will think about what it is when (rarely) I am able to concentrate on something else. It doesn't happen often, but I'll think about that and work on repeating it. I do go to the gym five mornings a week, and that helps some, although on my "trying" days, all I can do is think about getting out of there. Although I am not an avid church-goer, I have been praying a lot lately. God has really been the only one for me to talk to since I have not told another single person what I'm going through. For now, it helps for me to think about the promise he has vowed to keep to come back to us and also about our upcoming trip to Hawaii in February. Right now, it feels like that is an eternity away, but he's told me he still wants to go, so I just have to hold on and pray that all will be on the way to recovery by then. I want so badly for it to be sooner than that and hope that as I work towards backing off of him that it will happen sooner. He keeps telling me that he thought he would have talked to her by now and is angry at himself. It may be that my pressuring him is why he hasn't talked to her. He told me that he enjoys being with her because there is no "grilling" and no questions and answers. Of course there's not - she thinks everything is fine! I've asked him if he's thought about the fact that he's not being fair to her either in that he has known for weeks now (supposedly) that he is going to give us another chance yet has not told her this and has rather kept building a relationship with her. He said he knew it wasn't fair and that he knew he needed to tell her. I asked him this morning if he was telling her the same thing he was telling me (that he wasn't going to stay with ME and was going to leave me and was just trying to find the right time, place, etc., to tell me that). He said no. I asked him if the reason he hadn't told her yet was because he enjoyed being with her and didn't want to hurt her or whether it was because he really has no plans of breaking things off with her and was scared to tell me that or whether it was something else. He said it was more of the first option and that it had been hard to find the right time. He did tell me that he had "started" to talk to her about their situation a few nights ago but had not told her that he was going to give us another chance yet. I want so badly to believe what he is telling me but know that I will not know for sure until he walks back through that door. My heart tells me that that will happen, and for now I guess I just need to keep holding on to that positive thought and look forward to Hawaii! I will work on doing things that help me cope and keep my mind off of it and will work on not pursuing him and being positive, upbeat, and sexy when I am around him. Thanks again for your encouragement.

Thanks, Tom. I can't help but feel desperate - I feel like my world is in a million pieces. Michele says that you need to let yourself go through all of the emotions, and I guess that is one of them. My marriage and my life with him means so much to me, and it was such a relief to find Michele's book and feel like there is still hope for us. Michele's words resonated with me so deeply. She gave me permission to feel all of these things without guilt, anticipated what I was thinking and feeling, and gave good advice on what to expect and what to do about it. She gave and gives me hope. Her belief in marriage was so inspiring and uplifting to me. I guess that's what I've been trying to say is that while I know I have to do some very difficult things in hopes of getting my husband back, I don't want to think of it in a way that I'm "letting go" and "moving on" and those sorts of things. I want to work on saving my marriage and not on being a better person so that I can go on by myself. That is not what this journey is about for me. It's about being a better WIFE, person, friend, and lover so that I can bring a my marriage back and make it magical. THAT is what I want to work towards. Am I desperate for this? Absolutely. Because it means so much to me. I hope that makes sense. My desperation is because I care so much, and that means a lot to me to care so much about my marriage.

As far as getting back to me, I will work towards that. It's very, very hard, and I know I need to make myself a more attractive option for him than the other person. Right now he's going to her I'm sure in part because there is no conflict, she is happy when she's around him, etc. I need to be that way around him for now, as hard as it may be, so that I can provide that to him as well. Hopefully as I work at that it will help.

He does keep saying that he wants the "old me" back, and although I need to understand more about what that exactly is, what he has told me so far is about the sex drive and being more outgoing. I will work on doing what I can do be sexy to him since I can't make love to him right now, and I am working on being more outgoing. I hope in time he will notice. I will look for small changes. It's just so hard to "be myself" when my heart is in a million pieces. Somehow I will continue to muster up the strength and the courage to continue this fight. I will not give up and will count down to Hawaii like a child counts down to Christmas... Thank you for your support and encouragement.

Thanks, Heywyre --

Thanks for your thoughts. I hope my other posts have helped to expand on these issues. I appreciate so much your taking the time to write to me. Thank you.

Tam

Your H just told you that the OW was not grilling him...did
you listen to him? No...you kept on asking more and more
questions...please, stop it...you are talking your M to
death.

The point of DB, again, is to put yourself in a better place than you are in now...that means taking care of you.
Stop analyzing and wondering what he is doing and needing
him to promise you his return...you are nagging him to
death.

You are overbearing...we all see this. Yes, you pushed him
into this affair...it took him time to start it...now you
have realized your mistake in not taking care of his needs.
So, you're ready to be the love queen....sorry, but he does
have feelings for this other woman. He's not just going
to toss her aside because you demand him to do so.

Be smart...he will end it when he feels it's the right time
to do so...the more you keep bringing it up, the more she
seems ripe to keep. Think about it...would you want to
come home to 20 questions, desperation, and a scared man?
No, you wouldn't.

Everything, AT, Whatis, Heywyre and I have told you is what
you must do. Read the whole book...you'll see that there
is more to your problems in your marriage than just the sex.

Give your H some rope...don't try to backoff...you must do
that immediately. Quit asking him questions, don't talk
about the R.

We are here to help you...we all have been through this, or
still are in the process...

We know you love him, don't want to lose him, but the path
you are on is pushing him into her arms further and faster.
We KNOW exactly what you mean, that's why we are telling
you to do the exact opposite of what you feel you want/are
doing...it's called a 180...it works, also detaching from
your H will bring him home faster.

Thank you so very much, 1210. That was a hard post to read, and I thank you for being so brutally honest with me. You said so many things that really hit home. This truly is the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with. I am overbearing - I know this. I honestly don't mean to be. I just want him back so badly...

The one thing I do question is that I caused this affair. I certainly realize that I contributed to it and feel horrible about that, but you make it sound like it's ALL my fault. As hard as it is, I am willing to take responsibility for my part, but he played a part, too, and he was the one who ultimately made the choice to go down this path. As you said, there are more problems we need to work on than the sex. I realize that and that there are mistakes and problems that we BOTH need to work on. I hope that makes sense.

Yes, I completely agree that I would not want to come home to someone like me. I guess I just have been so desperately wanting him back and have been thus doing all of the wrong things out of sheer dispair. Although, bless his heart, he has remained steadfast for a month and half now that no matter what he is commited to giving us another chance. He even told me the other night that he had kept telling me that and didn't know why I wasn't absorbing it. I guess it just goes to the fact that, as someone else pointed out, his actions aren't supporting his words. My hope is that, as you said, he wants to come home but that right now she continues to be a more attractive option for him because of my behavior. He keeps telling me that he IS going to tell her, that it's just a matter of time. He hasn't wavered from that point of view. Therefore, I can only pray that if I, as you said, give him space and stop pressuring him that he will do what he needs to do. He is very independent, and I think that maybe he just needs to feel like he's doing this himself on his own time schedule and that he's not doing it because I'M asking him to do it. In the end, that is what I want as well. I want him to come home because it is what HE wants.

He told me the other day that he had made up him mind that he was coming back to me, and that she knew he was married when they got involved, etc. I guess when he tells me these things I just get my hopes up so much and start getting impatient. I need to be excited about it when things like that happen but keep it in perspective. Until he walks through that door, it's not over. I need to work on appreciating the baby steps he has taken. I have to remember that we have gone from him telling me he wasn't in love with me anymore to him saying that he is going to give us another chance no matter what to him now telling me that he is going to end it with her and come home. And although it feels like an eternity since this thing started, I guess in looking back this has all happened in a relatively short amount of time.

I have to remember that I could be dealing with someone that has said that he doesn't want to be with me anymore, refuses to see me, doesn't call me, has filed for divorce, etc. Things could be so much worse. Here I've got this wonderful man who has told me he will give us another chance, and I'm completing jeopardizing it. I don't want to mess this up. I need to do whatever it takes to allow him to follow through on his decision.

For now, I will choose to believe him when he says he is going to come back to me when he's ready. It's the only choice I've got right now, and if I keep believing in him and in what he's telling me, it should help me to keep moving forward. I will also keep focusing on getting ready for our trip to Hawaii and on bettering myself along the way.

I know that you all have been through and/or are going through this, and I so appreciate all of your thoughts and opinions. It's been so hard because he (and God) have been the only ones I've been talking to about this, and he doesn't talk much. So I don't have anyone to really "put me in my place" and to give me an outsider's perspective on things. It has really helped to have people actually talk to me and give me advice.

I just ask that you all be patient with me and keep putting me in check. I will continue this thread and let you know how it's going and ask for help, if that's okay. If I could just ask of you to please put me in my place, but please be "pro-marriage" with me. I want to fight for this marriage, and I want to become a better person and work on our difficulties for me and for us, not so that I can be on my own. I'm not asking you to not be honest with me and not answer my questions and concerns honestly. I just want to get feedback to help me make this work, not help me to end it. I'm willing to fight and do whatever it takes. You've all given me some wonderful pointers on what I need to do. Please be patient with me, as this is a drastic change from what I've been doing. Please put me in my place when I mess up but be accepting and encouraging at the same time.

I promise to take all of your wise words to heart and do my very best and to be patient with myself if I make mistakes. Will you all please help me through this? I am in so much pain. I'll keep up this thread and will keep posting to let you know how things are going and to ask for your advice. I need you all. Thank you so much.

Wow, you remind me of where I used to be!!!

For me, and I can't say this applies to you... but I remember being frantic about saving my marriage and eventually morphing into a "Stepford wife." (eeek!)

I have to say, looking back, the biggest mistake I made was not emotionally detaching sooner, GALing and really focusing on me. Life is short, so try and have some fun. Buy an amazing outfit. Look good and work on living well without H. If he died tomorrow what would you be doing? Get a fabulous group of friends together, go to Happy Hour one night a week with girlfriends, see a movie on another night. Hey, go dancing! LIVE!!!!

Running,
Thanks for the encouragement. What happened in your situation?