Hello, I am kidsaver and I have resided on the “Were Separated What Now” board for the last 6.5 months. My WAW initiated reconciliation on December 15th 2006, this was a surprise but she said she wanted to work on our R, she wanted her marriage back and wanted to move home. We agreed not to rush into it and she would not move back for probably 30 days and we would work on our issues rather than put band aids on the problems.
We have spent everyday together since December 16 2006. Sometimes most of the day sometimes just a couple of hours. For the most part I can not complain, because it has been very good progress and much better sitch then the dark months of the separation. In retrospect I would say I did a good job of dbing over the separation period.
I have decided to post here in hopes of getting good advice and support from others in the reconciliation mode. While I have found reconciliation to be just as hard as trying to get your WAW to work on the R, it is certainly not as painful. I was very active on the “Were Separated” board and I understand it takes some time to get some interaction going with new people on this forum. I am real good about posting other peoples threads.
My biggest goal is learn from others here and not make mistakes in the reconciliation process and of course seal the deal. You are certainly relieved and ecstatic when you get to the reconciliation mode, but I can recognize there is still much work to do. We originally talked about 30 days for her to move home. It has been 3 weeks and I get the feeling she isn’t ready yet. All though things are going very well, I have a little bit of a feeling we are at a plateau and she is a little scared. All in all it is going very well so far, but I am getting a little bit impatient. You work so hard just to get to this point and you can almost taste it, so I am trying to be disciplined and not put any pressure on her.
So I am going to dive into this forum. All comments and questions regarding my sitch are welcome and I look forward to getting to know some of you.
kidsaver
Me: 44 WAW: 36 S-18, D-13, S-8 Married: 14 years in April Bomb: 6/06 Separated: 7/06 Reconciliation initiated: 12/15/06
Welcome to Piecing. In some ways it really is more challenging than DBing. I think it's wise to take things slowly, start dating your spouse and work on developing a friendship.
Also, if there are any painful topics, you might want to avoid these for awhile. I think it's wise to let a good amount of time pass and work on getting a strong friendship in place before tackling any "ugly" stuff.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
Welcome to piecing Patience and not pursuing will most likely remain your friend during the reconciliation process. The expectations created by a second chance seem to lead to backsliding. Like you said, you can almost taste it so it's hard not to claim success and go back to old habits. This is something that I struggle with on a daily basis myself. Keep counting the baby steps that move you forward
If you get a chance, do a search on Sage and Slowly. I'm sure there are others with great success, but their past threads have a lot of DB wisdom for piecers.
Welcome. I am so glad to see you here but I think one thing that you may expereince is that sometimes this board takes a turn towards the inactive every once in awhile. It's the nature of the beast. As people's sitches get better, they are less prone to posting. Also, like in my case, many of the folks around here a long-timers and we need a break every now and then.
That all said, I think you will find a bunch of great people and good advice around here.
Please, post early and often and don't get discouraged if there isn't the level of response you're used to. It will come.
Yes, DB principles also apply, and piecing is almost as hard as DB'ing when separated. Some days one questions if it was wise to have reconciled, so dont' despair if you feel like that. I'll quote my H "sometimes we take 1step forward and 2 back".
When we reconcile we want to pick up where we left off *when things were good* and that is just not feasable. Also, we want our Ss to be on the same pg as us.
I know my H thougth about coming back a few times when he was away and didnt' becuase we'd argue or something like that, so it is understandable she gets scared sometimes. Be loving and patient, you dont' want her to think she moved to fast. You've been very patient, you will need more of that in the coming months.
It took a few months for my H's affection to come back too, so many of us ached here that we couldn't receive nor give the affection we craved. So in that aspect we also had to be very patient.
I pray all goes well and that you sit still and let your W work out her inner turmoil and have her come to you.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Thanks for the reply. I hear you. I am finding out that reconciliation is just as hard as divorcebusting just not as painful. So far doing a good job at not backslidng, but I am finding out I need to be real patient.
I do want to get it right and not rush back too quick. When I am thinking clearly I can see that it really is going extremely well for only 3 weeks. I would like there to be more affection from her but I am getting some.
I will keep posting and journaling so you can learn more about my sitch and look forward to learning more about yours. This site is great I have been here for awhile but I understand you have to give to get.
Quote: I would like there to be more affection from her but I am getting some.
Just to let you know that is really typical.
By the way, Toughlover, Grasshopper and Sven have some great threads on the male side of piecing.
I forgot if I posted this on your thread, but a good book (in addition to DB and DR), that's helpful with piecing is "Getting Back Together." I can't think of the author. But one thing that really helped me in the book was realizing how healthy separation can be (a time for growth and healing). It gave me a whole new perspective on separation and the usefulness of it.
Kidsaver I do remember you from the separation board and I'm really glad to see you here.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
Thanks for the reply. Somebody else suggested that book and I plan on picking it up at the bookstore tomorrow.
I am still active on the separation board, I have made a lot of good cyber friends, and I am trying to help others there. I am so glad to be here and I remember you as well.
I am really much less anxious today and after some good advice want to take the time to get it right. It really is going very well so far.
I purchased the book "Getting Back Together". I am about half way through it. I will probably finish it tonight.
So far I like it. It seems to be giving me a pretty good barometer of where I am at. Looks like I have come a long way in the weeks since she said she wants to work on it, and I am probably further along than I should be in 4 weeks, but I realize I am lot farther than I want to be and I have a ways to go. So I hope it helps me maintain some patience.
Patience and not pursuing will most likely remain your friend during the reconciliation process. The expectations created by a second chance seem to lead to backsliding. Like you said, you can almost taste it so it's hard not to claim success and go back to old habits. This is something that I struggle with on a daily basis myself. Keep counting the baby steps that move you forward