Hi Root, Looks like you have been given a lot of useful advice. It is hard not to think about OW, but in reality what good actually comes from it? For me, it only serves to make me more anxious and upset. Why do that to yourself?
While I don't understand how a single woman could cheat with a married man, especially one with little kids, who am I to judge? As for H, I think of the A as an escape from reality, from himself.
Will I ever get over it? I sincerely doubt it but I am hoping as time goes on I will think of it less and less. The ball is in my court now. I have a second chance with H to create the kind of marriage we both want and love. You have that same chance too!
You will get over it, and surprisingly there will come a time when you can think about it and it doesn't hurt. Honestly!!! It just takes a loooong time to get to that point. In 10 years it will be healed. I know!!! When I think about my husband's first affair (the post baby one... this last was the ML one ), I have absolutely no pain... and I do know the details and visualized them a lot in the past. Now they mean absolutely nothing and create no pain in me. Surprisingly, I think my husband has more guilt and bad feelings about that first one than I do. To me it was a long time ago and I worked through all that. Now the recent one, that's another story entirely... oh well....
But I'm doing good!!! Maybe even better than before the affair. Can't stop GALing!!!!
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
It is hard not to think about it, it is such a huge betrayal. Here I was taking care of our 3 small kids, plus watching 3-5 others (including a newborn), taking care of the house, the laundry, the shopping, the bills (all with little appreciation from anyone) my H decides to have a mini-MLC and go out drinking everynight, staying out all night at least once a week, spending the weekend away "fishing with the guys" (I soon found out he was with OW)....well what can I say other than that sucks!!
Everyday I try to get over it. My salvation has been getting a job. I now spend my time around grownups; who happen to like and appreciate me for me!
I think in marriages that last at least one person is the "strong one" and you and I are it. That's just the way it is.
I know when the first one happened I had a huge amount of stuff on my plate... I was working evenings as a magazine editor, had one very ill toddler (with a chronic illness) and a very young baby showing signs of developmental delay. Also, I was so stressed and overwhelmed that I developed asthsma, super painful back problems and eczema around my eyes (this was not normal for me! I'm always unusually healthy but in the space of a few months I was practically falling apart!!!!). Anyhow, that's when my husband had his pleasant little lunches with a female co-worker and they'd complain about their marriages.....
It's funny, because after I learned about the affair I'd look at videos at that time and try to find signs of where the marriage went wrong and what I might have done to cause it. There was even this one video on Valentine's Day (the affair was January through March). I made his favorite meal, and used food coloring to make EVERYTHING red. I decorated with balloons and had a cake.... I would always surprise him in unique ways on holidays and special occassions. I was even on the phone at one point and was saying all these great things about him. Bragging about him.... I really idolized my husband.
Anyhow, I still love, acknowledge and appreciate the good things in him. And am well aware of his weaknesses.
But I'm the stronger one. You are too. And that's what's going to get us through this and help us deal with whatever the future brings.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
A counselor once told me that a forgiveness technique presented in AA is to look in the mirror, and pray for your enemy everything you want for yourself. In the spiraling events of my day, I have spent a lot of time praying for OW to find love and happiness...with SOMEONE OTHER THAN MY HUSBAND!!!
True--I had gotten to a point where I wasn't thinking about her much at all, but now it's back in my brain. I know that once I forgive she'll be gone again.
I really wish "knowimuststop" would pop back in and give her 2 cents. I hope we didn't offend her, as we all (at least I) would really like to hear things from her perspective.
Quote: True--I had gotten to a point where I wasn't thinking about her much at all, but now it's back in my brain. I know that once I forgive she'll be gone again.
Aud,
You bring a very powerful and important point to the table. I am struggling again with thoughts of ripping the OM to shreds, even though I am now in the midst of the "post A", if there is such a thing. I too need to find forgiveness or I will go insane.....
~Sol
~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Single Dad, and luvin it! ~ Happiness is a state of mind ~
Quote: You will get over it, and surprisingly there will come a time when you can think about it and it doesn't hurt. Honestly!!! It just takes a loooong time to get to that point.
r.o.o.t,
I want to get to this point myself so bad.....It still hurts for me. But I find peace in your words that it won't hurt anymore later on.
~Sol
~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Single Dad, and luvin it! ~ Happiness is a state of mind ~
), I have absolutely no pain... and I do know the details and visualized them a lot in the past. Now they mean absolutely nothing and create no pain in me. Surprisingly, I think my husband has more guilt and bad feelings about that first one than I do. To me it was a long time ago and I worked through all that. Now the recent one, that's another story entirely... oh well.... 
