Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Piecing Our Marriage Back Together Again I am so hurt

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I am waiting for a therapist to return a call to set up meetings. I know that I need help. I spent over 20 years in that situation. Need to work on self esteem and for stronger me.

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Good! I am happy to hear that. Please keep on it until you get an appointment. You're right that after 20 yrs of living like that, you feel beaten down. You really do need outside help.

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I have let go of some of my guilt feelings. I know now that my leaving was justified.

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Great! I am so proud of you for saying that. Taking that step must have been the hardest thing for you to do.

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Also, I laugh more. That was a deep desire of mine.

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That is always a good sign.

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I will be ok. Most of my days I am alright.

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Please remember this when things look bleak. You were NOT better off with him. If he changes, you could consider going back, but for now, please take care of yourself, get back on your feet and get strong.

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But, my son lives there has no transportation. Even though I tell him that I don't want to go over there. I still pick him up or drop him off. And I see and it hurts.

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Can you meet him or drop him off at a neutral location, like mall? I can understand that that would be hurtful.

Thank you for answering my post. I do care, and I am happy that you are taking your depression seriously. A book I would recommend is "The Emotionally Abusive Relationship" by Beverly Engle (I'm not sure of the sp of author's name). It could help you understand why you feel the way you do, and also why you ended up in that R and how to avoid it next time.

Best wishes,
Nicola

Thanks both of you for your advise. And, I will look into getting the book.
I was thinking yesterday that I also need to stop talking about him so much and wanting to get peoples opinions just to prove that my feelings are justified.
Again that points to my low self esteem and guilt feelings.
I will try hard to get hold of this therapist.

My son can't meet me at a mall . But, I could have him meet me down the street and avoid driving past the house.Also, he convinced my husband to put those people in the house. Now, he doesn't like them and, is always telling me things. Some of them are even exagerated.

I need to tell him straight out that it was his idea also to have them there and that I don't want to hear it. That part of my life is in thepast.

I have ordered the book that you suggested.
Also, found out that the counsel that I have been trying to reach is out of the area. I left a message to someone else at her clinic. Hopefully they will call me soon. I want to heal and get on to the next level.

Don't just rely on someone returning your call. Phone them back again, and see if you can get someone on the line today. Be proactive in helping yourself. I know it's very hard to overcome the messages left by your H (in your head), but it can be done. My first M was abusive - emotionally and physically, but I got over it, and so can you. My XH, BTW, was a born-again Christian - as I discovered, it was by mouth only, and not in spirit.

Remember that you are a child of God, and He listens when we pray with real intent, and ask Him for help. But, we also have to actively help ourselves. Otherwise, how can we learn the things we need to learn in this life. We are here to be tested, so keep telling yourself that you are worthwhile, you are strong, because you are the spiritual child of God, who made you for a very special purpose (and only you can discover this purpose), and it was not to be beaten down, and treated like garbage by your H (who, obviously, has his own issues to work on, because no-one treats another human being that way, unless they need to make sure that they look smaller than him, so he probably has no self-esteem to speak of, or any pride, or empathy - if he gives the impression that he has, then he's white-knuckling it, and hoping no-one notices the real him).

Take care!

What you have said is so true. Once you are away from the situation and taking things into perspective you see what is really going on.
I used to think that he was not that type of person. I mean out there he is such a great and respected person. He is there for anyone in his church.Noone believes that he is like that. And, I don't have to proof to anyone anyway. God knows and my famiy knows.
Today the car wouldn't start at a clients house. I called my husband because this is his car that he is letting me use while he fixes my car. Which by the way has been 3 months. I gave him money to fix it he spent it.
Anyway, he had our daughter bring him. I waited in my daughters car while he started the car. He came back into my daughters car and said to her my job here is finished. Meaning he got it started. I was in the back seat like an invisible person.
It is something when I call on phone for something he will say hello how you doing? But, face to face he will not speak to me.

I finally got a hold of a counselor had my first session. We are going to work on my self esteem and depression.
Counselor said from what I gave her that my husband is dealing with something from before. I can't change him. It is not my fault.

After 10 months I now have to plan my life.

I wonder sometimes.
When I call my husband for something a lot of times he will say hello how you doing? Today he called looking for my son. When I answered he said hi how you doing? I said ok and gave phone to my son. But, what makes me wonder is that when we meet face to face he doesn't speak or smile at me.
What is your opinions of this?

I don't know your sitch well, but maybe it is due to some guilt. It would be easier on the phone to talk to someone, but when face to face, you can't look at the person.

What I think you should do. Maybe you have or have not done already, is to act AS IF.

If he is actually talking to you on the phone, then if you see him and he ignores you, then pretend you don't care or don't noticed, and act all upbeat and happy and excited about something you want to share with him and whatever response you get from him, don't let it get you down. Maybe he will be rude, maybe he will ignore, or maybe he will be interested. Who knows. The main thing is to not let him know he is bringing you down- because he is NOT going to bring you down any more!!!! Right?!? He does not control your life and your happiness! That is between you and your savior!