Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Piecing Our Marriage Back Together Again We are piecing it back together

I have spent the last several days feeling sorry for myself because my wife is not ready to show a lot of physical affection. Because I want physical affection, I have been blind to all of the things she is doing to show me she loves me and wants to work on our marriage.
Number one, she is still home even though she has a furnished apartment ready to move into since October. She wears her wedding ring every day. She goes out with me to dinner and movies whenever I ask. We are taking dancing lessons so we can wow the crowd at our Son's wedding in October. She says she feels a friendship with me that she has not felt for a long time. She talks to me about many things like our kids, our jobs, etc and sometimes her feelings without me asking. She has started doing some of the housework again, which I have mostly taken over. She cooks for me again, every night except Monday which is my night to suprise her. (I don't work Mondays and she does. She is a much better chef then I am.)
So with all of this going on, I feel sorry for myself because she is not ready to make love to me only 3 months after she told me she was leaving me, and did not think I would care. What a fool I have been.

Hi, I know it hurts not to be able to be with her in that way, you must remember you guys aren't on the same pg. To be able to leave you she had to "demonize" you at some degree, to paint your past in dark colors.
Now, she has to "unteach" herself whatever she put in her head, she needs to go back and begin the friendship/romance path a relationship needs. It's so good to know she loves you, give her credit for this, my H has been back for months and even though we have sex he hasnt' said ILY.

Give her time, it is still pretty soon, she will warm up eventually. Just keep it simple for now, dont pressure her, hold her hand, give her hugs and keep the door open.

Last night we had a meeting with our MC. She is very supportive and is the one who turned me on to the Divorcebusting web site.
My wife said on a scale of 1 to 10 she would rate our relationship at a 7 or 8. On our first visit back in October, she said she was there out of obligation, and our relationship would rate a zero. I credit Chuck and his advice for these changes.
Now the bad news. She says she understands how important physical contact is, but she is miles away from being able to even think about that. I guess I will have to speak her love language for a while longer.

It is pretty recent skicdy, give her time ok? my H was also not ready to begin a normal SL again, you gotta remember that one month of repair is required for every year of damage, she needs to build the connection she lost with you so long ago. The first time my H ML w/me after he came back wasn't what he expected, months after that he confesed to me it didnt' feel the same. You dont' want her to feel that way right?

Quote:

---

I guess I will have to speak her love language for a while longer.

---

Absolutely, you are sowing seeds and it will pay off, give her time.

I'm starting to believe that time is on my side. Yesterday, I got the mail, and my wife had changed her credit card bill, back to our home address. She has not said so yet, but I believe she is giving up the apartment, that she never moved in to, but has kept as a security blanket. I think she is starting to believe that the changes I have made, are real, and are what she needed.

I have decided to stop trying to show physical affection until my wife does or until our trip on the 19th. I promised her I would not be the first to initiate sex, and of course, after only 3 months, she has not and I have kept my promis. I am not going to say anything, but I am going to stop kissing her good bye, good night, etc. She does not seem to enjoy it, and so I guess I have been doing it for myself. Right now, my focus has to be on doing what is right for her. If this causes her to want to show some affection, I will be pleased. Suprised, but pleased. anyhow, if she does not enjoy physical contact with me, why would I want contact with her? It seems needy to me to have to ask for kisses and hugs and then accept them along with a look that says I'm not enjoying this. Physical Affection should come from both parties equally, or not at all. Does anyone disagree?

Quote:

---

, but I am going to stop kissing her good bye, good night, etc. She does not seem to enjoy it,

---

My H didnt' seem to care one way or the other either (months ago), but it never stopped me. He is my H and it was only natural that I'd kiss him or hug him. Yea, it hurt a bit when it felt he could take it or leave it, but I did it anyways because I loved him. I dont' know at what extent me offering affection helped, but eventually he did open up, of course it also had to do w/him healing and getting over his MLC.

But in an R you get what you give. My C told me that my H felt worthless, that he needed lots of support. Being affectionate was one of the ways I showed I did approve of him, that he was still the man of my life.

Buddy,
I think you shoud be conservative with the physical contact for now. DB advises us to do what works, and change what isn't getting us results we want. Your initiation of contact is met with indifference and possibly annoyance. Work on managing the emotions that your are struggling with. I think waiting on this issue is the best approach.

You've described many positives in your situation. I'm glad that you've found us.

Concerned_listener

So much for my plan. We went to work out at our health club before work this morning. I had to leave first. As I started to walk away, she offered me her cheek for a kiss. I could not resist.

You see??? some "seeds" we plant take a while, she is warming up, maybe at a snails place, but she is, build up on it at her pace, women crave affection.