I'm feeling upset. My husband and I have continued to talk on the phone. Things are going really well. He's been calling me affectionate nicknames. He's flirted with me a bit.
However, he's looking for a job that is not in the city I'm living in. When I asked him what he wanted to do, in regards to our future, he said that he wanted to get a good job and start making money...and THEN work on our marriage.
I don't understand. Why would he not look for a good paying job in my town? He asked me if he landed a job making tons of money, if I'd quit my current job and come live with him. I told him I wouldn't be comfortable doing that. When he asked why, I told him that I won't ever feel comfortable depending on him for my financial security. He said he understood and that he can see that I'd be scared that he'd walk again.
And then the next phone conversation, he's looking for a job elsewhere.
Is he testing me?
I'm quite confused. Like I said, things have been going well, in fact in that last phone conversation he asked me to call him later on in the week. He wanted to hear from me again!!
We already live one hour's drive apart from each other. Won't this make the chance that our relationship will work out a lot worse?
Maybe financal security is something he feels he needs BEFORE returning to you. In order to take away a source of stress and anxiety? I think you did the right thing by telling him you do not want to be dependent of him! Good work, As for the job...wait and see before you panic. It may not even pan out. He may end up working closer to you! For the moment, concentrate on the good signs, LIKE BEING ASKED TO ELOPE BY YOUR HUSBAND . I mean come on! If that isnt a sign he is totally in love with you, I dont know what is!
My husband told me that he was going to have a job interview wednesday, (yesterday). So, I sent him an email to tell him that I'd be thinking positive thoughts for him and that I knew he'd do well. Then this morning, I called to ask him how it went.
He said that he's playing phone tag with the guy and the guy STILL hasn't gotten back to him, so he hasn't had the interview yet.
Laf. Looks like you were right, Steph...no need for me to panic or worry. Sheesh!
I also have good news. The last time we spoke on the phone, not this morning but the time before, he told me, "I love you". That's the first time in 5 months!
He has said "You know I still love you, right?" But there's a huge difference between that and "I love you."
So, I gasped happily and said, "Oh, say it again, please!" and he did.
Quoting PhoenixNTraining:So, I gasped happily and said, "Oh, say it again, please!" and he did.
Sounds pretty good! 5 Months ey! Good for you...I envy you..8 months and counting here. But I am doing good! All is good in you situation, you are right, take it slow, but you are in a good place and can perhaps (dont over do it here) start to dictate some terms, some way of being between you and your husband. By this I mean, start asking for what you want. This is what you did by asking him to "say it again", if you ask for what you want, you make it safe for him. You dont make assumptions, you have NO expectations!
Go back to the books...to "ask for what you want"...you can ask for closeness, tenderness, the "permission" to get closer. But accept and respect when he declines.
I'm trying my best to stay focused on being his friend, so, I'm still having a difficult time late at night by myself in bed. I want my husband next to me, holding me...not in another city an hour away from me!!!
So, while things are going well, on the phone, I do still have my tears. One major change I'm trying to make habit is to focus on the good things and therefore keep my PMA up.
So, I'm trying really hard to stay focused on what I have, not what I want. And thereby put no pressure on him.
At this point, I WANT him to move to my town! I know he's got to know that...but there's a difference between him knowing it and me saying it.
So, is it time to start telling him things that I want? I think you are right, it is.
But, I'll start small. Perhaps on the phone when I call him today, I'll tell him that I'd love for him to call me Sunday night.
If that goes well, perhaps the next step will be to tell him that I want to see him at least once every two weeks. I'd love to have another date with him again, but am waiting for him to ask.
Wow, I didn't realize anyone other that Steph actually read what I write. Thanks Phoenix.
Well, I stopped posting because I'm usually at school on the weekends. During the week I'm at work and can use the puter.
Plus, I got mad at my husband. I felt like giving up. I've been calling him just about every day to chat. I thought things were going well, he was being loving with me, flirting with me, etc.
However, he hadn't asked me for another date. And due to our past history, I know that he does (some) things deliberatley.
[He asked me at one point if I hadn't noticed that he hadn't signed our lease to renew our apartment for the new year. I told him that I thought he was just procrastinating as usual. He said that he was not doing it because he had planned to move out come the new year and find a new place to live. (Leaving me less than a week to find myself a place to live).]
He did keep asking me to call him again, and would tell me what hours he was at work so that I could call while he was there. So, on my end, I thought things were moving along and that I was simply doing what he asked me to do.
However, the past few times I've called, he's started asking (again) why I'm calling. So, when I've said, well you asked me to call you today, his latest response was, "Oh, I did? Well, I can't chat, I must go."
GRRR!!!
So, it seems that I've fallen back into being the hunter, even though he had asked me to call. I guess he was feeling cornered and pressured again.
So, I wrote him a really nasty email and got all my feelings out. And I sent the email to me, not him.
I re-read it today and deleted it without sending to him. I know how he'd respond. He'd just get defensive.
So, while I'm not giving up...I'm going to back off.
I'll wait to hear from him. Wait for him to call me.
Previously I had stopped emailing him or calling him for a month and he asked me for a date when I did call him. And it was wonderful.
I am feeling conflicted because even though I'm going back to what has worked recently, I'm wondering if I'm going to have to be a weekend wife after all.
At one point he said that he'd rather only see me on the weekends. Not my idea of a marriage.
So, I have faith that DBing works, I've certainly gotten some really good results. However, I'm worried that our relationship won't ever progress to where he's happy living with me again and seeing me every day. He seems perfectly happy not seeing me for long spans of time.
I'm sure it's too soon to tell where I'm going to end up. But I feel as though the closer I get to him, the more I want to give to him, the more he distances himself.
This is who I am. I NEED to be able to be loving to those I love.
So, I guess the short answer to your question, Phoenix...is I'm feeling conflicted. I'm wondering if after all this, I'll ever have the white picket fence with a nice home and perhaps children some day (with him). Or if he is going to stay this way forever.
After cooling off a bit, I wanted to come back and post that I know that I won't be happy with myself if I give up on my relationship. I'll always wonder how things would have turned out if I had stayed patient.
I've gone back to doing what works. That and focusing on myself again, is I think the best I can do.
Only time will answer my questions about what the future holds for my relationship.
But I can focus on doing more of what works and keeping my PMA up and continue working on myself to make myself into the person I will love.
I've done something that I've been saying I wanted to do, for a long time now.
I'm volunteering.
I have a need to share my gentle loving side and this is the way I've chosen to do it, that'll make me happy. Plus the receipients (sp?) will be happy to receive my time and efforts, unlike my husband who seemed to only be irritated by my efforts because he felt I was smothering him.
So, right now, I've taken steps to satisfy a major need that I have and I find that I'm feeling very detached from my husband. I'm feeling the same sort of things Steph has expressed on his thread.
I just want a vacation from the stress, worry and drama.
With a username like that, I had to peek in you know?
First off I gotta say I'm hardly ever here anymore (which is a good thing). I think you have a pretty good grasp on what's going on with you and your R with your H. I also like your voice here.
This place is like feast or famine. The newcomers forum can move too swiftly sometimes and these specialty forums can inch along too slowly. I suggest to you that you may want to go to the newcomers forum and peek in on threads that catch your attention and jump in there til you find people with whom you click. Like making friends when you're the new kid in school. I think doing that really made my experience here so worthwhile.
I started an update thread in the hopefulness forum and JJ was kind enough to link up most of my old threads. You're welcome to read thru or not. Are there some similarities? Maybe basics. I think you may have your mind more together than I did.
I love that you're doing volunteer work now. That's pretty much a Michele approved technique. Your H may very well be fine with being away from you or not. Probably in the way you two learned to interact it could be expected. All I can say is try reading JJ (JamesJohn's) thread in newcomers about going dark - he has a green username. I think as you start really getting your game plan in motion and fill up your life, your H will probably realize that he actually misses you.
So good luck. Don't know when I'll stop back by but hang in there. Remember, just because people are afraid to type for whatever reason, it doesn't mean they're not reading and learning. We have a lot of lurkers. Take care!
