Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Piecing Our Marriage Back Together Again Am I piecing? I am sooooo confused

Should I keep saying ILY even if he doesn't? I don't want him to think I am putting pressure on him but it is so hard not to say ILY when I really mean it

Suggestions?

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I tell my H I love him, he doesn't say it back, but I do it anyways because that's how I feel. I dont' say it very often, but when I feel it I say it.

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You're a wise woman Cat...I need to do this more. It IS HARD to turn off all the instinctive games we play in an effort to protect ourselves or manipulate our loved ones to do what we want. Especially when we often don't realize what we're doing.

It takes a strong person to open up and give love without requiring any reciprocation.

Cat, I just read your advice about saying ILY when H doesn't say it, and I also appreciate that. I needed to hear that and it is a good idea like you said not to leave empty silence after I say it, so he feels compelled to say it, too. I feel as though I am doing all the giving, and he is doing all the taking right now, but that is the way it is for now, so that advice was a real help.
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Thank you Cat - that is exactly the information I needed. I can still confirm my love for H without making it seem like I want to hear it back. Its true, there is that dead silence that makes it awkward. But, if I give him a kiss and talk about something else its takes the pressure off for him to be who he needs to be at this time. And if that means him not saying ILY then that's okay too, at least I don't have to hold back what I am feeling

Thanks - I feel much better now. And, as for sleeping together, he came and got me and said he didn't want me sleeping alone that I needed to get some proper rest and that IF I really wanted to sleep alone, I could have our bed and he would sleep in the spare room. Needless to say, I wasn't about to start arguing with him about it, I was exhausted, and I DON'T want to sleep alone so that is over with

And, I guess this is a baby step, but he also called me at break time and asked me if he wanted him to meet me for lunch today. I told him it was up to him, if he had the time, but that it would be really nice to see him (hope I handled that one okay). I didn't want to come across like I was desperate to see him and couldn't make it through the day (which it feels like sometimes) but at the same time, I did want to see him

So, he dropped by for about half an hour and brought me a cup of tea

I'm a (slightly) happier girl this afternoon

Thanks everyone for your help (especially you Cat)

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they have pieces of themselves to put together, sometimes they dont know how. You need to stay still and not rush him, he might have issues with himself you got no idea about.

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That is exactly how he feels (or doesn't feel as the case may be) He told me he has a lot of things to sort out and doesn't really know how he feels at this time. Which, for me sounds strange, because I always seem to know how I feel but I guess for him that's the way it is.

Once again, thanks for the clarification. It's nice to know someone else has a H that basically is saying the same thing as mine is.

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they have pieces of themselves to put together, sometimes they dont know how. You need to stay still and not rush him, he might have issues with himself you got no idea about.

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That is exactly how he feels (or doesn't feel as the case may be) He told me he has a lot of things to sort out and doesn't really know how he feels at this time. Which, for me sounds strange, because I always seem to know how I feel but I guess for him that's the way it is.

Once again, thanks for the clarification. It's nice to know someone else has a H that basically is saying the same thing as mine is.

Another question for posters - one I found quite interesting.

I took out some books from the local library about a week ago. I was about to bring them back today after work.

When H dropped by at lunch he said, "I noticed you were going to the library, are you dropping off those books?"

I said "yes".

He said, "can you keep one of them out for me to take a look at"

Well, I just about fell off my chair because the one he wanted me to leave out was called "Back from Betrayal" which is a woman's point of view about multiple affairs her H had and how she coped with it.

They repaired their marriage and it is stronger than ever now. What I liked about the book was that it touched someone that was very public and wealthy (in my eyes) - so they aren't unscathed from this either.

When H said this, I said "well, the chapter that her husband wrote is a good start"

H said "I already read that part but want to look at the rest of the book"

Needless to say, I am one happy camper

I have a smile on reading your post, i'm so glad things are turning up better these days
I'd be my right arm for my H to have interest in the library books I bring, he pretty much groans if I mention them. The only one he actually *gasp* liked and quoted was "men are from mars women are from venus", now he won't admit to it though . An awesome book you both can read together is "healing the hurt in your marriage" I highly recommend it.

I post a sec ago to someone else, who's H also asked "do you want me to do so and so?" and the person said "it is up to you". If a men is offering to do something is because he WANTS to do it, otherwise he wouldnt' bring it up, it is unappreciative to say in so many words "whatever". So next time you can always say yes w/a pleasant smile and that wouldnt' show you are too eager or anything.

Keep up the good work hon)))))

Thanks Cat - I need all the encouragement I can get

H asked me to call him when I got to work today because the roads were pretty bad this morning and he wanted to make sure I got there ok

I called him at break to see how the roads were and if it had stopped snowing out our way. He asked if I wanted him to meet me for lunch. If he could have seen me through the phone I would have been jumping up and down, but I tried to stay calm and replied "that would be really nice". He even said he would pick me up some lunch on his way in.

Things have been insane the past couple of days but they seem to be smoothing out again.

As for the books - I was shocked when he said he wanted to read it. As a matter of fact, when I called at break time, that's what he said he was doing (reading) but I didn't say "what are you reading" because I thought that would be a little too foreceful - after all, I don't want to press my luck here.

I will try and locate that book at the local library. Anything I can do to help myself (and perhaps my H) along in the healing process is good.

Thanks for the suggestion