Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Piecing Our Marriage Back Together Again Am I piecing? I am sooooo confused

I have made a couple of posts on the infidelity board but thought I would come on here to see if I could get some insight as to where to go from here.

Am I piecing or just giving myself false hope?

I would like to think I am - but maybe that's just my optimism (which is very thin at this point)

My H and I have had quite a few talks (last night a VERY long one - which he initiated)

I gave him a letter yesterday (because I was too emotional to say it in person but had to get it out) that said I was exhausted, and needed to take my power back. I told him that even though I didn't condone his actions (2 affairs within 5 years) I was forgiving him. Not for him but for me. I needed to do this so that I could move forward. He said it was a "very direct" letter and felt I was being a lot stronger than he was at this point.

I know he wants to work on our marriage but I am very skeptical (of course) that it can be salvaged unless there are some real changes in his behaviour. He is willing to try but says he has to take it one day at a time and "be careful" right now. I was confused and asked him to clarify because he has been talking in semi-circles since the bomb hit and he was confronted (and exposed)

He said the only way he can explain it is that its like a big massive ball of emotions and he can't seem to sort them out but with the help of counselling, etc. he is hoping to get it straightened out soon. He said he would like to think he can do this without separating but he might have to have time on his own (this was devasting to me but I kept my composure) - I am of the opinion that if two people want to work things out, the best way is to do it together, not through separation (but that's just me). I said, "what am I supposed to do, live in limbo and then 6 months from now you drop the bomb and say you're leaving". He assured me there is no way it would be 6 months from now, it was something he needed to do relatively quickly if he couldn't see himself sorting things out quick enough. He said 6 months would be cruel (I agree)

Maybe I have got to that healing place and moving forward stage quicker than he has. I know part of the "massive ball of emotions" is guilt for what he has done to our relationship (TWICE!!) and he says that regardless of whether we stay together as a couple or not, he has to get these demons out of his life because its destroying him and the people he loves. I guess that's a good sign, right?

I know I have been long-winded here but venting has always been my path to sanity (which is also very thin at this point)

Thanks to all of you for being here - I have spent so many hours reading vasts amounts of your posts and its comforting to know I am not alone in this fight.

Heywyre,
If your H is not currently having an A, then I would say that you're in Piecing mode.

Working on forgiveness is very important. It's acceptance that the R and your H has been imperfect. It allows you to put your energy into the present versus dwelling on the past with destructive emotions. I commend you for that.

I can understand your resistance to any thought of S. If he wants to try that, you'll need to accept his request, and let him go. Work on managing the fear associated with the separation topic, and let him speak his mind about it. How does he think being separate will help him? What would need to be in place for him to work on things, while living together? It's good that he's willing to go to (or is in) counseling. He may first need to say things to someone besides you.

Concerned_Listener

Thanks Concerned

Yes, it is definitely a good thing he is in counselling - as a matter of fact he is so open with the counsellor that I can hardly believe it. Even if he goes by himself, I never ask him what happened but he is usually pretty free to tell me just about everything that was discussed. He knows this is something he has to do right now, regardless of how long it takes.

I am also hopeful the doc will adjust his meds next time he sees him and perhaps that will help him to sort things out a little easier.

As for the S - he says he is working towards repairing things while still being here. I think he just wants the option of being able to remove himself from the pain if he feels he is not healing at the pace he thinks he should be. I also think, to some degree, it is because I have taken my power back and he perhaps sees that as some sort of a "throwing in the towel" from my side. However, I have reassured him that I want to work at resolving this as amicably as possible, regardless of the outcome. We are adults and should be able to handle ourselves accordingly.

Besides, the more rational we are with each other now, the more likely we are to stay together. And, even if we don't, we have both agreed we still want to be part of each other's lives as friends (gawd! I hate that saying "let's be friends") hoping it will never get to be "just friends"

I wish I could go to sleep and wake up a year from now when the pain is all over

Heywyre,
You're right. Even when we're coping as well as we can, there is still emotional pain--fear, loneliness, sadness. etc..

I'm reading a book called "Happiness" by Matthieu Riccard. It's a combination of Buddhism and psychology. I read today that happiness can continue even with emotional turbulence. He said to think of our emotions as waves at the top of an ocean. Our center is in the stillness of the depths. Both can coexist.

Take care of yourself while your H is working on his issues, and doesn't have the capacity to be available for you at this time.

Concerned_Listener

Thanks Concerned for your reply

I know it is a slow process but at times it just seems to stand still or go backwards - time, time, I know

Yesterday was a complete mess. I had asked H several days earlier if he would like to rent a movie for NYE - he agreed as there was a movie he'd wanted to see for a spell (the counsellor actually suggested it to him one time). So, I bought a bottle of his favorite wine, make a few snacks and we settled in to watch the movie.

His spending time with this one friend (male) in particular has been somewhat of a pain in my side the last little while as he calls him constantly, meets him for coffee every Saturday and Sunday morning (at 7 am) and never has breakfast with me (Saturday used to be our breakfast out day - which was always special to me). It just seems like he is constantly at our house or my H is out with him (the man lost his wife 3 years ago so basically doesn't have a life of his own). Anyway, we're right in the middle of a good conversation (NOT about the R) when he picks up the phone and calls this guy - give me a break! Can I not even have one evening without him being in our lives? To make matters worse, H had already called him 3 times earlier and left messages, plus had driven by his house a couple of times to see if he was home (I was with him when he did this). I know part of my H problems is he has a compulsive behaviour and I am trying to understand this but it just was not a good time for this to happen.

Needless to say, we got in a heated argument (but no yelling - I refuse to do that) and ended up sleeping in the space room (which is something I have never done since day one of our marriage). I just couldn't stand the pain any longer and felt like I was going to explode. I thought for sure H would come and get me but he didn't - that just made the pain worse and my mind started working overtime with thoughts of he doesn't care and this is it, it's over.

We had planned to go to an exhibition in town today and when he came to wake me up, I was so exhausted I just felt I wanted to stay in bed all day (which was not a good thing and definitely showed signs of depression - I've been though major depression before (after the first A) so I know what it feels like). I am verging on it but know I can pull through this time without the drugs - which I would prefer to do if at all possible.

I really didn't feel like looking at any exhibition and told H to go himself, that I wouldn't be very good company anyway. He said "some company is better than nothing and I think it would do you good to get out". He was right. As much as I felt I was walking around in a fog most of the day, it was still better than a pity party at home by myself.

We then went for something to eat afterwards - still very quiet, and came home. We had a cup of tea and he began to talk about the R and made it very clear to me what his intentions were. He said he knew it was going to be "very, very, very, very hard" for me to trust him again and maybe I never will be able to and if so, he understands. And, if I can't ever trust him, and we don't stay together, he said "when people ask me about you, the only thing I will be able to say is that she is a really good person". He told me how intelligent and strong I was (which I surely don't feel) and that he was sorry to have hurt me so deeply but that his intentions were to rebuild our marriage and not S unless there was no alternative. I needed to hear that and as much as it doesn't stop the pain, at least I have some hope back in my life and it has given me the strength to try and overcome this trust issue that seems to dominate my life at times.

Thanks for listening

Update

H has been trying to reassure me that we are working on things one day at a time (the reassurance is something I have needed and wasn't getting from him). I told him I know it seems repetitive but I need to hear it and he has complied. I also think he was avoiding saying it because it reminds him of how guilty he feels and tonight before he went to bed (he goes to bed early because he gets up at midnight to go to work) he said "I'm so sorry for the things I have done". I told him not to dwell on it and just get some rest.

I think that would be a baby step no? I sure hope so as it would make up for the lousy day I had yesterday for sure.

H broke down day before yesterday and had quite the crying jag - kept saying how sorry he was for hurting me and shattering my world. All the while I sat there pretty much with a straight face not saying anything - no emotion

He said he finally knew, after all these years, what love really was - this is of course after telling me for 18 years that he loved me - ya right!

He went on to say that he was confident we could get through this and then asked me if I felt the same - yikes!!

I sat there for a while not answering - and finally he said, "its ok, I guess its not fair to ask you that, you don't have to answer". So I didn't. Instead I told him that I didn't know. I was going through too much hurt and pain right now and that the trust was gone and I didn't know if I could get it back - he seemed somewhat shocked by that answer. Normally, I would have said "yes, I think we can get through this, I love you, blah blah blah" but its not what he was expecting at all

Today we had another long talk (initiated by him) and he confirmed once again how much he hurt me etc. etc. and probed again for the "can we make it" - once again, he got a vague answer.

We go to see the psychologist today (thank goodness - its been a looooooooong two weeks) and I really need to address the issue of trust.

I start back to work on Monday (H day off - which he used to use to go see OW) and I am freaked to say the least. H keeps asking me what I want to do about Monday. I had previously asked him if he could meet me for lunch and now he seems to be resisting. I don't think he will go to see OW because she lives 3 hours away (each way) but at the same time, its like he's wanting to plan his day, without taking my feelings into consideration

What to do? Do I pretend that I don't care if he meets me for lunch (and gives me the reassurance I need right now) or do I let him know he put me in this place of insecurity and should be doing everything possible to help me get it back

Update: January 5/07

I feel (semi) strong today - probably because we are going to the psychologist today - YAY!!! It's been two long weeks but seems like 2 months

H initiated another "talk" last night. As much as I have told him talking is the way I have to deal with it, and he is totally opposite, he is the one that has been doing the initiating all this week - which I would say is a good thing no?

I think it is mainly because he is scared right now that this might not last. He is concerned he has gone just one step too far and may never get me back. Is it ok to let him think/feel this for a while or am I being cruel? It's not like I am doing it on purpose or anything, it's just that I am in no position to make a decision right now and I've told him that. I said a lot depends on his actions and how I feel regarding being able to trust him again. He said he understands but at the same time I wonder sometimes if he will eventually say "enough is enough and she will never trust me so why bother trying anymore". I know that is being negative so I try not to dwell on those thoughts but it is still too early in on this second bomb to know how I am going to feel a month, two months, a year from now. After the first time I never thought I would be able to forgive him and move on but I did (sort of). I was almost to a point where I was feeling comfortable again most of the time. There was just the odd time something would set me off. But then it happened again so now, of course, I have the feeling that if I get too comfortable it will happen again. I don't know if I can get over this second bout, but I can tell you this for sure, there is no way in h*ll I would be able to survive a third go-around.

Which brings me to the dilemma of how do you know if they are just taking you for granted, knowing you will stay, as opposed to appreciating that you are giving them another chance? I have confided in one friend and they are VERY concerned for me. They tell me all the things I want to hear to boose my moral and self confidence. They tell me what a wonderful person I am and that I shouldn't have to go through this pain and as long as I stay, he will never change and that I need to get out NOW to save myself.

I try to tell them I love him and that I think we can work things out but they say he will never see how lucky he is, and what he's got, until its not there. I cater too much to him and he expects it. When that person (me) is not there doing everything for him, maybe he will realize what he's lost and start working to get it back. In the meantime, there is no way he is going to make an effort.

I care for my friend deeply but I think they are wrong. However, maybe I have blinders on and am not thinking rationally.

comments?

Heywyre,
I'm glad to hear you're going to see a psychologist today. Your thoughts/feelings seem valid to me. I think it's good that you're contemplating the line of when it's enough. Sometimes, the only think that will break a pattern in a R or a person is the setting of limits, or a S.

I dpn't know the answers to your questions. I think you have to take care of yourself enough so that you can begin to sort thru the emotions, make sense of your thoughts, and see your R and H for what it is at this time. You will then be in a better place to make a R decision. It seems like you will need to determine if your H is simply continuing with his maladaptive patterns, or is at a point where he's acknowledging his problems, and is willing to increase his awareness of and face them.

Concerned_Listener

But at the same time, please do acknowledge his efforts when you see them (his initiating conversation when he'd rather eat a brick, etc). Tell him that you appreciate ________ (fill in the blank) if you really do.

Don't be a doormat, but do give him credit where he deserves some. Important to do if there's hope to piece.