Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Piecing Our Marriage Back Together Again For newbies... or if you need a pick me up today

I will post some great posts from many wise DB'ers. I've printed them and kept them handy and re-read them when I felt down or negative thoughts assaulted me. I hope these nuggets help you as they've helped me.

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"KEEP THE ROAD HOME PAVED AND SMOOTH" so let's not make it harder than it already is. I know some WAS don't ever come back b/c they believe it'll be too hard...they won't be forgiven or trusted or even taken back at all no matter what. When LBSers insist on continuing to need the reassurances a year down the road, they make it harder for all. IF your H 'got it', then you move forward as if it's a new love, b/c it is.

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1. You cannot leave the S alone
2. You constantly want to connect with S
3. You constantly get depressed, cry, do silly things
4. Focus always on the S, or OP
5. You snoop
6. You don't try to help yourselves with Michele's tools
like DB or DR
7. You all say that you know what to do or not do, but
continue along the same paths
8. Hello! - The WAS gave us the signals way before they
went to the OP - we ignored it
9. You (us) want instant results of change in the sitches
10. Unless WE CHANGE - there will be no change

Consider an obese person, not withstanding any medical
problems, it took a long time for them to become obese.
Well, think about it, it's going to take a long time to
correct the issues. Not over night, not next weekend, etc.
It's a process over time...
The OP is not the issue, we all know that, it is or was us.
We did not concern ourselves with our S's. Day to day life
erroded our R; children, work, finances, illness, etc. all
or some help create this problem.
Now, it's time to work on you (us) and get back to being
the people we were when we first got married. That caring
independent, loving, fun, considerate person we are.
It amazes me how many people post how the OM/OW is to
blame and the profanity used in regards to them. Guess
what? Your S's married you, what makes you think that the
OP is not like you as well? Come on people, we caused the
discontent in the marriages, with the help of our S's,
that made the OP more viable to be around. Now, we need
to go back to being that person.

Does it hurt? You bet. Will I feel any better? Probably
not for a while. But, if you change yourself, the S will
notice, just as Michele said. If they don't, then wish
them well and move on.

Too many of you are dancing so fast around your S you are
getting dizzy. Stop it. Little by little, the S will
notice changes, that are consistent within you. They
will notice more and more...but there is no other way to
do this. Nothing else works. They have to come back b/c
they choose to, not b/c of threats, begging, pleading,
crying or anyother reason.

This is just my 2 cents, guys. Sorry I ranted on and on,
but it is so sad to see some people not trying. Some try
but backslide, that will happen, as long as you correct
it the next time and learn from it.

For you men, don't let your W see you cry, beg, plead, etc.
It only shows you to be weak and less of a man. It only
makes the OM more powerful; we know you're upset. Bear
this out..it can change. No woman wants a wuss for a
husband. Show that you are confident, strong and that
this doesn't even bother you (although it does). Act as
if, she stays or she goes, you'll still survive.

All of us survived long before we met our S's. All of us
were completely whole before we got married...if it should
not work out, and you really tried hard, as in doing it
Michele's way...then you are still a whole person - life
will go on...

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As I have said before, maybe in a different way, it's not usually the affair that ends the marriage, it's the LBS's ability to control the anger long enough to move forward that does. The blame for the rift belongs squarely on the WAS but the blame for it's enlargment often falls on us, the cheated on. Getting past that was the hardest thing I ever had to do but so entirely necessary for my own personal growth.

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Marriage is work and now I think I understand that the best marriages are also the marriages where the couple works the hardest. Coasting, through the good times, OR the bad times, expecting that emotion, circumstance or fate will intervene and keep things going is a recipe for failure.

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The thing that stands out for me in what you've said is the inability of the LBS to STOP the emotional upheaval. It's kind of like a sewer backup! We end up spewing all that yukky guk right back into our R, what remains of it. You are right, the S does not want to see pleading, crying, etc. They do not come back because they feel sorry for us and if they do it can only be with huge resentment. Our S's know we love them...so that's that. We know how they feel about the R...and that's that. GH once wrote that we have to realize that our R is dead, it was diseased and died...it's gone. We can either choose to build a new one or move on. Building a new one starts by showing our S's the stuff that they will want to come back to, and not just for them, for us. This tragic episode in my life has introduced me to more amazing things about myself than I ever imagined before this. If I fail in my attempts to revive my M, I will be a far better man than I was before (and I wasn't too damn bad before, just complacent). If we can all just get a handle on the anger and hurt, feel them and move on, our DBing will begin to work its magic. Only then does it stand a chance. My W did what she did because she was not happy and felt she could not be with me. Right or wrong, what is is! I have to live with what is and not cry over what was.

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I have a couple of thoughts from "The Five Things We Cannot Change..."
1-"Some people draw pain and crisis to themselves; some have it thrust upon them and make themselves feel more pain by how they react to it. We all have to face pain, and when we experience it mindfully, we simply feel it as it is. When we add the ego layers, the mindsets of fear, blame, shame, attachment to an outcome, complaint, or obsession, we make things worse"
I think most of us can relate to that one!
2-"Our purpose in life is not to remain upright at all times but to collapse with grace when that is what has to happen. The fact of impermanence gives us the hope that we will rise again"
There will always be a tomorrow!
And finally my favourite tonite,
3-"If everything collapses, I will deal with it by staying with the pieces and then picking up the pieces."

Hope these thoughts are a help to someone else out there.
Hang in there fellow DBers!

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In the end, this is really simply about deciding to turn our eyes to the future and walk together whether we always feel like it or not. It's interesting to me that we freak out over our WAS acting upon their feelings for another person despite their commitment to us...then when they come back, we likewise allow our feelings to dictate our behavior and ruin whatever progress is there. That's normal, I realize, and I think the first sign that our WAS is serious about things is that they forgive us for that just as we are forgiving them for what they've done.

But it can't go on like that indefinitely and expect the M to be healed and rebuilt, just like a M can't be healed while an A is ongoing.

That's why I think it's so necessary to let go of the past. Because of our history with our spouses we have all the expectations for reassurance, etc. But the WAS can't give that cause they don't have it. THEY BAILED ON US! Right or wrong, they may not have much to give anymore, but if they're WILLING to build something new, if we're willing to let go of the past once it's been sufficiently dealt with, then it's all about that. GH rightly points out that in the end, assuming our WAS are willing to recommit 100% and do their part, it's going to be our game to lose. We either just get over it or we don't.

There's a great scene from the movie "The Mission" with Robert DeNiro and Jeremy Irons where Irons is a Jesuit missionary in South America in the 1800s(?) and Robert DeNiro is a slave trader. Irons is there to educate and convert the natives and DeNiro is there to round them up and ship them out.

DeNiro ends up being converted himself and taking vows. As penance for all the crimes he committed against the natives, they bind up all his armor and weapons in a sack and tie it to his waist, then make him climb a really steep rock mountain with all that weighing him down. It is, of course, an outward symbol of his repentance. He struggles toward the top and when he's finally there and can't seem to get any farther, when it almost seems like the bag of armor is going to make him fall to his death, a native draws his knife and cuts the rope binding the armor to DeNiro's waist.

That's forgiveness. Sooner or later that's what we have to do for our WAS who are repentant and willing to climb back up the mountain with us. And the interesting thing is that by releasing them we're really releasing ourselves, too. In the end, that's what love really is.

So far in my life, this is really the hardest thing I've ever had to do because I had to really change who I'd become, just like our WAS have to. Who I am is partially what got me in this mess, and it's so much easier not to change, just walk away, which I now understand is why so many people do just that only to find themselves in a similar mess later on down the road.

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Thanks Cat - This is perfect! My H has moved back home over the last 2 weeks, and I find myself wanting constant reassurance that he is over OW. He can't give that yet - wants it to be over, but says it's harder than it sounds. What I hadn't thought of was that I need to ask him to forgive me. I do take half the blame for our failed relationship, and while we've discussed the shortcomings we both felt over the years, I never asked him to forgive me - just that I was able to forgive him.

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That's why I think it's so necessary to let go of the past. Because of our history with our spouses we have all the expectations for reassurance, etc. But the WAS can't give that cause they don't have it. THEY BAILED ON US! Right or wrong, they may not have much to give anymore, but if they're WILLING to build something new, if we're willing to let go of the past once it's been sufficiently dealt with, then it's all about that. GH rightly points out that in the end, assuming our WAS are willing to recommit 100% and do their part, it's going to be our game to lose. We either just get over it or we don't. That's why I think it's so necessary to let go of the past. Because of our history with our spouses we have all the expectations for reassurance, etc. But the WAS can't give that cause they don't have it. THEY BAILED ON US! Right or wrong, they may not have much to give anymore, but if they're WILLING to build something new, if we're willing to let go of the past once it's been sufficiently dealt with, then it's all about that. GH rightly points out that in the end, assuming our WAS are willing to recommit 100% and do their part, it's going to be our game to lose. We either just get over it or we don't.

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That really makes sense to me now.

Thanks for posting all of these great reminders. You should put them on the MLC forum as well.

Happy Holidays to everyone.
Hugs, Lou

bump

Cat--I've added this to my favorites, because it has so many things I need to remember. Thanks for posting...you were one of the first to reply to my thread over in infidelity, and you really made me think, and helped me get myself on track. I'm so glad things are going well for you!

Hi Aud glad to see the posts helped you, Lord knows I've had to read them over and over again when darkness was threatening to swallow me whole.
I read your last posts, and you have come a long way and thank God for that, it seems your H is slowly coming around and is testing the waters, I pray God keeps giving you strenght and patience.

cat

I like to hear that you are doing well. I looked for a more personel to you thread, but it is locked.

Just like you

Just stopping by to catch up again.

God Bless

hey girlie!!! thanks for checking on me gal all goes well, less trips to the abyss, much much less, recovering my sanity.

How are you and those smart little guys? I think the twins are the same age as my daughter, she'll be 4 soon, where does the time go? as usual you are all mysterious, how are thing hon? you soun well

I appreciate you posting to my thread. Where is your story, thread? Just wanted to get up to speed on you.

Hey PS, nice to see you here, I think my latest story dropped from the face of the board LoL! Long story short, we are piecing decently, as I was telling HH I'm taking less trips to the abyss (A related crap, though I was stupid again and went to ow's myspace site a sec ago and feel silly now).

H working hard and focusing on his new job, being helpful at home like he's never been for years. Less hissy fits on my part, trying hard to give him the benefit of the doubt and let things be and accept him accept him even when I don't agree w/him, remember that his ADHD makes me forget lots of convos we have and I shouldnt keep grudges.

Phew, haven't wrote about myself for a while, things much better, letting go of the rope week by week

Hey cat great stuff on your entry post here!!!!

I hope you're doing well and avoiding OW anxiety. I find I'll have really great times where things are smooth and good and then somehow, something kind of sets things off. I can't say it's fighting or anger, but it's discussion about what happened and that still seems difficult for my H. Oh well....

How are things with you?