Thank you for that b/c in all of this craziness, you start getting sucked in. Yes, I believe that it just reminded him that he feels like a jerk and that was more evidence to him that he wasn't where he should be in his life to treat me as I deserved. Hopefully, he will think about how he responded and I guess the only way to help him w/ that is for me to not contact him for some time...
Quote: Repeat to self: I am not the problem...I am not the problem...I am not the problem...
I agree with Bworl completely!! Also, the hardest thing is that we are on their timeline now. He knows you love him and want to be with him, when/if he is ready, he will tell you. The best advice I ever received on these boards was...No Expectations! We all know they are not acting like themselves so how can we possibly know how they will react to certain things?!?! I don't see anything wrong with trying to test the waters a little as long as you don't have any expectations as to how he will react. The truth is you could try the exact same thing one day and he could be sweet as pie, try it again the next day and he might bite your head off.
I received a very important letter from the car loan company requesting some info from him on his insurance. I know that he has it, but they are needing an update and w/o it they will charge a hefty charge of some sort. I sent him a message only saying that I had this letter from them and wanted to know what to do w/ it and whatever was easiest/less stressful for him.
That's all I said and I haven't heard from him. So what do I do here? I think that if someone else told me this, I would suggest that they should not contact more and he should suffer the consequence. All the while, I'm thinking that maybe he didn't get my message (a friend of mine told me she had not received any of the messages I sent her over the weekend.). What do people do when they have the imposed boundary that we would not contact one another? Ugh!
I agree w/ you on the "expectations" part b/c that has been something that has got me into trouble b/c I start thinking about what I expect from a specific situation and if it doesn't happen that way I worry, etc. This is an example of me taking ownership of his response.
It, This "self-imposed" boundary seems to be a burden that you feel like you're carrying around, and that seems to me to defeat the whole purpose of boundaries. They are supposed to make it easier for us to know what to do, not harder. Maybe it's time to re-visit this particular boundary and define it a little better.
As for the car insurance, is this information that you cannot just go ahead and provide to them without your husband? I'm assuming that this additional charge will be something YOU will have to pay, and if so, I'm doing whatever I can to make sure I don't have to pay it. Now if it's his problem, I'd maybe send one more message then FORGET ABOUT IT.
That's my 2 cents worth.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
Quote: This "self-imposed" boundary seems to be a burden that you feel like you're carrying around, and that seems to me to defeat the whole purpose of boundaries. They are supposed to make it easier for us to know what to do, not harder. Maybe it's time to re-visit this particular boundary and define it a little better.
I agree - I don't think I expressed that correctly when I said "self-imposed." I guess that I should have said that my H basically told me that was the way it should be. I agreed to that boundary only b/c I didn't think that I had another option. So at this point, he is to only contact me when he is ready or really wants to. The way he made it sound yesterday was so final b/c he also mentioned proceeding forward legally when he had the money. Of course, he may just be reacting that way b/c he felt so low, confused, etc., so it was his immediate way to handle the situation. I'm not sure if time will help him think about things differently or not? I believe that I have read other situations that have mentioned where the WAS believes that D is the only option at a certain point, but they will often come out of that thought process. I think that if I contact him too soon (which is why I couldn't believe that letter arrived today!) he will remain resolute in his decision.
Quote: As for the car insurance, is this information that you cannot just go ahead and provide to them without your husband? I'm assuming that this additional charge will be something YOU will have to pay, and if so, I'm doing whatever I can to make sure I don't have to pay it. Now if it's his problem, I'd maybe send one more message then FORGET ABOUT IT.
I actually don't have any of this info to give him. If there is a penalty, he will have to pay it. I could call them and tell them that we are separated and to send his mail to his mother's home (although he doesn't live w/ her, she could pass the info along); but then again, that seems like he should get back to me if it is really important. I guess I'll wait a few days and then send him one last message.
Quote: seems like he should get back to me if it is really important
Laura, Don't even get me started on spouses who suddenly find themselves without the ability to show a little common decency and respond to phone calls, messages, invitations.
My wife has gone through periods where she simply refuses to answer her phone when I call. One of the boys can call her and she answers immediately (usually at least), but my calls would go to voice mail every time.
Back before thanksgiving (another debacle) I sent text messages to both my S19 and wife inviting them to the house on a Sunday afternoon for my world famous stir fry, football, and beers (no S19 was not allowed the beer part). Son replied immediately, said he'd be there after work. Wife never replied. Never. At that point in time I was not very good about holding my tongue and I made a comment in front of the boys about not understanding why she was so unable to at least call and say she couldn't make it. That got them upset at her, and we wound up with a mess that evening. I was wrong for speaking in front of the boys, apologized to all, but she never said a thing about the fact that a simple call or message could have stopped any of it from happening.
Just this weekend I had sent her a tm inviting her to join us for Christmas Eve. Now she was 500 miles away spending a week with her old boyfriend when I sent the tm, but still she never did respond to my message one way or the other. Three days later, on Christmas Eve, my son finally called her to ask if she was coming. She acknowledged receiving my message, but spewed some drivel about not knowing if I was serious or not.
Who knows why these simple acts are beyond them? Not me. It winds up being another of those things you just have to have no expectations on. I know when I leave a message for her that it's quite likely I will not hear back from her. So if I choose to send it, I tell myself that I've done what I wanted to do, the rest is up to her. And I do my best to leave it alone.
They really can drive you crazy if you choose to let them.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
Quote: I could call them and tell them that we are separated and to send his mail to his mother's home (although he doesn't live w/ her, she could pass the info along)
Hi Laura, I think this is a great idea! Maybe even leave him one more message just letting him know that you will go ahead and have it forwarded to his mothers for him. Make it seem like you have accepted these new terms he has layed out. If he gets angry with you for not calling him sooner or something (you never know what they might pull out of their a%& to be angry with you for), it's his own demons he's dealing with, not yours. There was a time when my H started counseling and he bombarded me with questions, accusations and any reason he could find under the sun to be angry with me...everything was my fault. It was just a phase though. I allowed him to be angry with me and I didn't take it personally. Don't get me wrong, it hurt, but I found early on that defending myself in anyway just made it worse. When I just let him be angry, most times he ended up apologizing to me for being a jerk...go figure.
Yes, they can make you crazy if you let them. It's interesting b/c during our last conversation (the one referenced under Christmas help) he told me that one of the tough things for him was that even though I wasn't saying this w/ our messages, but he always felt like there was some underlying hope from me to focus on our relationship and that bothered him. I really have not talked about the R until Christmas day, so that was something he was feeling (of course it was true for me, but not b/c of something I said). I asked him why he didn't just ignore my texts that were "Hi, how are you?" and he said that would make him a big jerk if he ignored me. Well, now according to the new "guidelines" that we will not talk to one another it may be that way. I'll say that there have been messages that I have sent him in the past that he has never replied to....
Unbroken: I e-mailed the info to his mom (not sure if I have her address correct, so we'll see...) and sent him one last text indicating that. He just repled that he "hoped I was ok and here's her e-mail address." I replied, "I'm good thanks, hope you are" and then told him that I did have the correct address fortunately. We'll see what happens. Hopefully, he has cooled off and may rethink his decision. I really hope so!
Quote: He just repled that he "hoped I was ok and here's her e-mail address." I replied, "I'm good thanks, hope you are"
This is perfect!! Keep it up. You stuck to the bounderies and he replied positively. Pretty soon, he's going to be wondering why you are doing so well... Keep him wondering...
I was just on MySpace (yes, Unbroken, the dreaded place! ) and I was looking at my brother's page and some of his pictures. I was a little curious and did a search for my H's name. I've looked before and he did not have anything on there. I was so shocked b/c I found his page and it said "In a Relationship" under "Relationship Status." Also, he had this "girl" who is 22 (he is 30!) as I guess his "relationship" b/c they were saying "I love you back and forth to each other on each person's pages. Keep in mind, I just spent the last hour and a half talking to my friend and that is the only way that I can even type this in a way that half way makes sense.
I knew that he had been a little more than "friends" w/ her, but he has told me as recently as October that there was nothing to them and me even thinking that was making too much out of them. He also was talking to me then about moving forward slowly and asked me to give him just a little time to sort of "get rid of her" (my words, not his) so she would not pop up any more in our lives. At the end of October he found out he was losing his job and then everything was halted and he said he couldn't even think about a relationship at this time. Then at Christmas (see my earlier link "Christmas help") he told me that he couldn't promise me anything and that I should move on. Then I notice that over the last few weeks he has been telling this girl that he "loooooooooves" her. How can he say what he said to me in October and then be in this place of "non-relationship" w/ her, which looks a little like a relationship to me, if you ask me!
I have been sort of a non-judgemental friend to him over the last 6 months which is something that I thought was good. Now, I sort of think that I have been sort of his safety net, so he could live out this existence w/ this other person, but know that I would always be there. Now, at Christmas, he told me that he didn't want me to contact him and I should move on.
Do you think that this will actually make him think about the choices he is making? Do you think that he might think about really losing me when I not there to see how he is doing once a week? I know that you really can't know this 100% and I guess that I just need to vent and get this out.
It was just so hurtful to see his words say "I looooooooove you so much" to this other person. The same person that he told me basically meant nothing to him. How can that be?
I guess I've got to give this up to God b/c I can't continue to live worrying about everything when I can't do anything about his side of things. It's just so very hard when you know that he is not behaving like the person that you used to know so well.
It's interesting b/c during our last conversation (the one referenced under Christmas help) he told me that one of the tough things for him was that even though I wasn't saying this w/ our messages, but he always felt like there was some underlying hope from me to focus on our relationship and that bothered him. I really have not talked about the R until Christmas day, so that was something he was feeling (of course it was true for me, but not b/c of something I said). I asked him why he didn't just ignore my texts that were "Hi, how are you?" and he said that would make him a big jerk if he ignored me. Well, now according to the new "guidelines" that we will not talk to one another it may be that way. I'll say that there have been messages that I have sent him in the past that he has never replied to.... 
Keep him wondering... 
) and I was looking at my brother's page and some of his pictures. I was a little curious and did a search for my H's name. I've looked before and he did not have anything on there. I was so shocked b/c I found his page and it said "In a Relationship" under "Relationship Status." Also, he had this "girl" who is 22 (he is 30!) as I guess his "relationship" b/c they were saying "I love you back and forth to each other on each person's pages. Keep in mind, I just spent the last hour and a half talking to my friend and that is the only way that I can even type this in a way that half way makes sense.