The analogy I keep thinking of in your situation is a bicycle built for two. It's like your background never allowed you the opportunity to learn how to ride a bike and then when you got married you had to be the one on the front of the bike pedaling hardest and the bike keeps tipping over and your wife is hurt and crying and that just makes you more nervous etc. etc. You need some training wheels in the form of counseling or this BB or scheduled sex or something that will get the two of you back up on the bike together repeatedly until you get the hang of it. Unfortunately, at the moment your W is looking for Evil Kneivel type sex and is unlikely to be enthusiastic about suggestions that are the equivalant of being pushed on a bike across the grass while wearing a padded helmet even though it might be to her benefit also since she's such a crybaby .
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
So ... just had a few text message exchanges with my wife, and then a call.
She wants to reschedule for next week. I asked why, and she called to say she's not ready. She sounded sweet. Right now her sweetness KILLS me, it's like a knife in the gut because I want her so bad but I'm so mad at her and who I am when I'm with her.
Unfortunately, at the moment your W is looking for Evil Kneivel type sex and is unlikely to be enthusiastic about suggestions that are the equivalant of being pushed on a bike across the grass while wearing a padded helmet even though it might be to her benefit also since she's such a crybaby.
This is a great analogy. Fun. MJ, the twist in all this is that I now feel like the HD partner. I want her all the time. I dream about her. I fantasize like I've never fantasized before
In all this "finding myself" I'm finding a pretty sexaully repressed person who wants out. I still worry about ED episodes, but not as much since I'm confident drugs can get me through until I can conquer the performance anxiety and relationship stress demons.
Rigley - you can give her my email addy if you want. I'm the expert on a LD husband - got 18 years experience with it.
That's a kind offer, Heywyre. If it seems like the right time I will.
And I'm really sorry for your sitch. I hope that you're finding the support and answers you need here. You'd better not give me your husband's email address though, because I'm likely to go off on him. I'd give anything for my wife to want to work on our relationship right now. Then again, I understand what it's like to be an LD man. Without the right information and support, it's extremely difficult to come to grips with. Every TV show, movie, and ad tells you you're a loser.
Lack of trust. Or, really, too much need for trust due to a lack of self-trust. She is afraid of you dropping her off the bicycle because she doesn't know how to catch herself but she thinks she is afraid of you dropping her off the bicycle because you are a lame bicyclist. In another situation she might be the LD partner because her inability to catch herself would lead to her rejecting sex with an Evil Kneivel husband because she would think "He just wants sex for his own ego gratification. He doesn't care if I fall off the back of the bike.".
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Lack of trust. Or, really, too much need for trust due to a lack of self-trust. Is this what you're saying?:
She's afraid of ending up in a sub-par relationship again because she doesn't have confidence in her ability to fix or get out of it.
But she thinks she's afraid that I'm incapable of being a good partner.
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Other thoughts:
I feel like I'm going into emergency mode again, where I see her standing there holding the plug, and I'm panicking. BUT, I don't feel prone to saying whatever she wants to hear to get her to stop.
What I DO feel is loads of anger. I found myself pounding on the bed this morning, screaming into my pillow. Seems like that volcano I said was inside her is inside me too. I feel like I'm just seeing the very first of my anger come out.
About having to be perfect. About spending all these years maintaining a good boy facade in order to keep people from seeing my faults and weaknesses, because I was afraid they'd reject me. About being ALONE because I was so afraid of being rejected. Worrying about every little outburst or bit of rowdiness from anyone because I thought I had to keep the boat absolutely still. I have wasted so much of my life like this, and it makes me want to take a sledgehammer to my house!
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