H left 2 months ago. I have been DBing continously and have seen some small steps of H moving toward me. H is not living at home and seems to be doing just fine. Maybe he isn't but to me he acts as if he is fine. I have been working with a DB counselor, read DR and both have helped me.
I am in the mode where we are spending birthdays (we have a lot of them this time of year) and holidays together. My counselor suggests that I let him embrace the value of the family right now and keep things upbeat throughout the Holidays.
My adult sons, although they are supporting me in my DB journey see what I am doing and think that H is not having to experience any falout from his decision to want to start his life over without me. They see him as having his cake and eating it too.
It's been 2 months since we have been separated. I've read what the books and articles thet say the MLC person is in a state of confusion but I keep reading about the pain too. What pain is the MLC spouse who left feeling?
Orchid, I was about to reply to you on my thread, but I see you started one of your own.
Not only is the MLCer in a state of confusion, but they are in a state of depression. They suffer from a low self-esteem and usually feel inadequate. Many of them wear a "mask" to cover up their depression. I am sure this is what your H is doing. They will tend to fool the LBS and make us believe that they are truly happy now, but trust me they aren't.
The seeds to our H MLC are generally planted in childhood. Many of them have unresolved issues from the past. Unfortunately you cannot help your H get thru his MLC in anyway. You didn't break him so therefore you cannot fix him. You can however prolong his MLC if you are not careful. You need to give him enough freedom to choke on. You need to have plenty of patience, this is a virtue. MLC takes 2-5 years to be completed so in the meantime you need to just focus on yourself and GAL (get a life). You are also going to have to detach from your H, you can't let him pull you down into his dark pit with him. I am not saying you need to give up on your M, but in the meantime your H is being an "alien" and is not the H you married. Think of it as your H is on an extend vacation.
Please read up as much as you can on MLC. There is a wealth of information on the MLC forum. Just go to the resources thread. You may also want to read up on a couple of books. One that has helped me get a better understanding is Men in Midlife Crisis. I think the author is Jim Conway. I don't believe it is in fresh print anymore, but you can find used copies on Amazon. You can even google it.
I am sorry to find you here. MLC is a rollercoaster from h^ll, so hold on tight. It's one heck of a long, bumpy ride!
Hi....I am surviving and seeing the light of my H's MLC...it has been 6 years since it began with the loss of his career job....he left me over 2 years ago and recently returned about 8 months ago...
The pain...it is real to them....but initially what drives them to leave (if not an OW) is that they see us as the cause of the pain....they see us growing older....we become a mirror of their life....and they really believe that if they get away from us....buy new clothes, a new car, new things....then they will be happy and feel young again....that is where the time really comes in....it takes time for them to really realize that these "things" are not going to bring them happiness and that we were not really the cause of their unhappiness....
Hold on....and be patient....that is all you can do....LIN
I know Orchid, it does stink about how long it takes. We all just want it to end tomorrow but it won't. Patience is the most important thing to have thru all of this. I was never one to have patience but somehow I found the strength to have it.
Coming to these bb to vent really help me a lot, it really helps with the loneliness too. You are grieving right now and it's going to take time to heal but I promise you it does get better. I know you may not believe that because I surely didn't when I signed onto these bb and someone told me that. I thought my life was over and I would never stop crying but I have. Now I just cry every once in a while. It really does get better.
I am so sorry. The loneliness is terribly difficult. The sadness was a grief like I had never felt before. It takes time to move through these feelings. But, my belief is they have to be felt and embraced so you can free your "channels." This allows the positive energy to come back.
I have always known how to be happy. We are living below the poverty level right now, but know how to be happy and appreciate the things we do have. We are thankful and greatful for the good things in our lives. This ability keeps me going and keeps me hopeful under hard circumstances. When you are feeling better, maybe you can focus on these things. Not sure if this will help you in any way. Just wanted to share it.
I'm sorry that you are hurting and grieving. I don't know if this is helpful. Just extending a hand and a warm hug.
My prayers are with you. Keep GALing, this helps alot. We all have been where you are and believe me it was so hard to get through it but you will. Each day will get better. I am glad you have a C. I do too and she has helped me to detach and handle these hard time.
I have been separated over 18 months now and just recently my h started seeing a C and this has helped him alot. Last week he told me that the feelings are coming back. I just have to continue to be patient as do you.
I know my h has told me that he has been in this dark fog and we have had many touch and goes so progress is being made but slowly. Give it time and let God work on your h as you work on you.
Thanks for the Christmas wishes you posted on my thread. Same to you. I'm sorry you find yourself a newcomer to this board at this time of year. It sounds as if you are handling your fall/winter birthdays and holidays well. Just take it one day at a time, keep reading, posting and living your own life, that is really all you can do.
Thanks so much for responding to me. It feels good to know that I'm not alone. It sounds like out situations are similar. WAH OW and so on. I feel like I should start trying the LRT. Are you doing it? Has it worked for you ? I'm scared but I feel I don't have really anything to loose. What are your thoughts?
