Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Divorced, But Not Done 11th hour Help!!!

Buckle up OL, because I'm gonna give some more truth to you, given that I only have what you wrote and don't have your wife's version or a film of her anger...

While you say you take responsibility for witholding, in the next sentence you blame her anger for causing your behavior, and so you actually are taking NO responsibility for it that way. See what I mean? You act as if you reacted to her and it was her action that caused the reaction. This is such a great example of what Marianne Williamson refers to in her books on anger, as Buddha's "Wheel of Misery". This is when one person acts in a way they feel is a REACTION to the other person's action first, while the other thinks that their actions were simply after what the other person did first....so you have "action/reaction/action/reaction/action/reaction" and NO ONE knows where it started but both blame the other. There is truth in both and the fact is that at some point, "in a moment of grace, someone steps off the wheel and chooses to forgive...". If you really did forgive her, you would have been more loving. Maybe it is too late. But don't assume that. And DO assume this takes time. The neglect wasn't over night, and neither will the healing time. I highly recommend you get a book on that because your wife cannot let go of OM if it's the only way she can justify her actions and that means it's the only way she can reduce her guilt....let the anger go, and you begin smoothing the road to her return, if she wants it, you have to make it smooth and paved.

Next, tell your daughter her mother is most certainly NOT A SLUT and don't ever let her say that again in your presence. Period. It does no one any good to say that. No matter how justified you feel, and honestly I think you're being selective in your perspective but that does not matter, SERIOUSLY it does not matter whether you are RIGHT, you just cannot call your wife a slut and you cannot let your kids do that either. For many reasons. I didnt' let my kids say H was being selfish and you know what? HE WAS BEING SELFISH....I think. But that is almost irrelevant. Saying that made it worse for ALL.

Your wife feels she was in a loveless marriage for years, and that she reached out to you repeatedly, only to have you withold your bodty and heart. She did not feel desired, was not satisfied sexually or emotionally and believes in her mind, that you chose to deny her to punish her for her anger. Or maybe you worked too much and that hurt her. Then, miraculously, she "found" love and romance and passion and she "felt like a woman." How, she'll ask, can that be wrong?

(****in my M, that was an issue and a behavior I'd like to re-write, and you should hear this for a second. When my H would work late and OR not call about coming home late, and OR work on holidays, etc., I felt he was choosing career over family. In retrospect I don't think that was actually inaccurate since H is a workaholic. BUT my reaction did NOT HELP and was counter-productive. I sort of crossed my arms, emotionally, when H came home. I actually thought if I was happy to see him, he'd take it for granted that he could work on and on and leave me with the kids and my job and the house, and I'd be stuck with it all, etc. INSTEAD, I wish I had made the home a place only a fool would stay away from. Doesn't matter what H deserved, b/c what matters is that what I did do, did NOT work but I kept doing it for years....!!??? See my point?)*****

Back to you, if you worked too much or did something else that hurt her or neglected her, she may have chosen her response because she believed it would elicit change in you. I am SURE her comments about what other women say when a man never wants to ML, was totally a reach out from her....she wanted you to say, "I DO DESIRE YOU BECAUSE YOU ARE DESIRABLE AND I HAVE SOME PROBLEM I WILL WORK ON NOW SO YOU KNOW HOW IMPORTANT YOU ARE.....THERE IS NO OTHER WOMAN AND WILL NEVER BE.....

But you didn't say that. How humiliating for her. Sorry OL, but if there is such a thing as a justified affair, your M might be it.... beating a woman up is not the only way to abuse someone.


SLUT?? No, because to your wife, she simply had enough of her loveless M and finally "found love" and happiness. Is she sleeping around with men she just met? Men she hates? Nope. She is "in love" and feeling wanted and passionate for the first time in years. You can doubt the reality of this, as I DO....fact is, we all are in love with being in love. So is youw wife. And this will pass....but she is NOT a slut and it does nothing for your M or your R with your W or your R WITH YOUR D, to call w a slut. In fact your W is THE role model for your D no matter what your d may think. Don't let her view of her mom be so negative b/c it WILL affect your D's self image at some deep level. Read up on the psych of it.

Show your respect for your wife, and the vows you made, "sickness and health" and take more R for how your wife is acting. Show your D that if you both had worked on the M better, for which you are ALSO responsible, your w would not have felt the need to act out, etc. However ytou say it, don't let your d blame your w for all this. It won't help your cause, even if it feels good to vent. It hurts your daughter b/c down deep, she IS a woman, or future woman, and this is her mom and you cannot cut off an arm without inflicting damage. And telling her to reject her mother, or aligning with that, HURTS YOUR DAUGHTER SO MUCH....

love your D, encourage her to see the positives of your W's quallities and whatever constructives can be found in this time of crisis. Model for your d how a dignified person handles heartbreak, and show her the endurance of a comitted love....for as long as you can.

Good luck,
j-