Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Divorced, But Not Done 11th hour Help!!!

Stay strong, and don't let her get away with the spiral of selfishness that knows no bounds....you have to give her the bounds, when it affects YOU and or your children. I'm glad she looked upset and was "about to boil" but then, she didn't say anything, to her credit.

Keep on keepin on,
j-

Her actions spoke more than words. She took a break and rested in the snack area. The kids and I came back and saw her on the cell. I suspect she was complaining to her mother. Later on she mention that her original plans to see her parents over new years (what I claimed she told me) were changed because her car is questionable. Then when I dropped the family off at the house, she could not get out of the car fast enough. Believe me I read upset all over her. Had I called to tell her I got in ok (I sometimes do it) she would have laid into me. Best to let this dish simmer.

Dear 25yearsmlc,

I have learned that not all lawyers are bad, you have proven that point. I have two kids a D16 and a S7. They have not been told about the D yet. The WAW wants to tell them on Dec 29th. I also live near LA so we are working under California laws. My D ask me to get W out of the house last Saturday so not to spoil her 16th birthday party with her angry attitude. My W does not see that the kids are separating from her already. I’m scared for her that they may not want to live with her at all if she goes through with the D.

Yes she just turned 40 in August; she started the affair in July. So a part of this is a MLC. Looking back I have not been very affectionate to her for years because of her anger. So I left her all alone to deal with this anger thinking she would work it out and because it was hard to get close to someone who was always angry. Will now I she that I should have pushed the issue to resolve the anger, too little to late I guess. Secretive? YES Distracted? BIG YES.

The hard part right now is that she is leaving because a lack of emotional and physical support by me. So I do a 180 and learn how to give this to her, but she is not open to accepting this from me. So what do I do? I just keep showing her that I’m working on me and MAYBE she will open up and start talking and giving us a chance.

The only reason she gave me for leaving and getting a D is that her soul is dead and she needs to end the M. She give the standard lines “We should have not got married, we are not compatible” “I love you but I’m not in love with you” “I do not have the love to sustain a marriage with you” Even the consoler is not buying this and tried to get her to talk. She would not; so the consoler scheduled a session with just her for last Thursday. When I came home from work I did not ask her any questions on how the session went. She finally said that she scheduled a couple’s appointment for this coming Thursday. I said I thought we were going to have individual sessions, she said we need to work on moving forward, meaning the D. I have an individual session tomorrow and I hope to get some incite on her from the consoler. I’m hoping the consoler got her to tell her why she feels the M is dead.

My WAW has lost her faith. She sees me reading the bible and I feel this bugs her because I maybe passing judgment on her, not true at all. I get a since of calm from read the good book.

Okay OL,

here's the deal about "wanting to be loving, but your W was just toooo angry for you to be loving".....Hello??? THAT is when it takes REAL love to keep on loving....The fact is that rather than addressing the REASONS for her anger which was simply a manifestation of her PAIN and heartbreak, it was easier for YOU, to hope she'd work it all out on her own. Boy is that familiar. And incredibly self-serving....convenient, easiest for YOU, etc. You get the point.
Been there, heard that....
I'm ragging on you b/c I want you to "get it" so that you can eventually communicate to her that you get it. IF she sees the change, rather than having you tell her of it, she will have 2nd thoughts. She is a mother and will HAVE to reconsider. Also, DELAY telling the kids as long as possible and make sure you are on the SAME page, if and when you do tell them... And let them have hope, no matter how bleak she may want to make it, or how "sure" she thinks she is. She is NOT sure, although she may not know that. Even when my feelings for H were at their lowest, down deep I still retained some hope that he'd change. That he'd be the man I needed him to be, and somehow come forward. I think he is trying and wants to be a better H, per his words...hope he does...You can too. Don't give up, in part you have to fight the urge to give up b/c it is Easier than trying to change, especially when it might not work...So force yourself to hang in there.

Were you ever very close? What changed? And yes, her last birthday is a telling marker in life. Put the ingredients together, and you have what you have... But I just don't believe it's too late. So, how are you doing the DB program and how are you GAL? No matter what course of action you want to take, GAL is a key ingredient to all GAL plans.

And LOVE those kids of yours. As I said, NO mother remains unmoved by her children lovingly interacting with their father. And it counters her "unloving, unlovable" images she may create about you, to justify leaving...
Good luck,
j-

Dear 25,

Were we ever close? That is a great question. If you ask me I would say yes. My W is a loving caring person to everyone but herself. I’m finally realizing that she has brought some anger to our marriage. When ask by the marriage counselor “Did you bring this to the marriage?” she paused for a moment and said “Maybe”. You say your RAGGING on me so I get it, I do get it believe me, but how do I communicate it to HER?

Over the years I gave her less and less of myself. I withheld my love from her. She was starved by me. It was hard for me to show this when I felt she was always made at me. When ever I tried to do anything for her she would get defensive. Presents made her mad. I would get something for her birthday and she would take it back. Things like this have been going on for years. I know now that I made all the wrong moves. Not because I did not love her, but because I was being selfish.

So I’m changing, I can feel the deference in the way I react and feel. The problem is still that I cannot show her direct love. I want to tell her what I just told you, but that would be against the LRT. Also she won’t believe the words. I have pushed her so far away over the years that she does not she anyway but D. I wish she could see inside me and understand what I have worked out to this point and see that I truly want to be her H.

I have never cheated on her. But she use to always ask me “Do you have a girlfriend?” this was because I withheld my love and sex from her. She told me the other day “I asked a friend a few years ago If you and your husband only have sex 5 or 6 times a year what would you think?” her friend told her “He has a girlfriend” I have no idea why we had sex so few times. I just know that it killed our marriage. I wish I had the answer, I think it’s because I have so many of my own issues that I did not give myself to her.

All I know is I said “I do” and I meant it. I do not want to live in this pain, I do not want her to live in this pain, and our old marriage is dead, thank god. But we can build a new meaningful marriage.

You having giving me the best advice, for that I thank you. You get right to the point and hit the nail on the head. All our friends, (the ones that know whets going on) tell her that I’m a great man and dad for standing by her and forgiving her. Even her sister told her that. She is still showing me she does care about me. She does a lot of little things for me out of concern. I don’t point them out to her because she would think that I have HOPE for our M. Every time she thinks this she gets angry.

One thing about GAL is I go out and do stuff without her, how does this show her that I want to be with her? How does this show her that I care about her feelings? I use to go out before all this happened and I feel that is part of the isolation she felt from me?

So I feel a little confused about that part of GAL.

Hey OL and String guy,

what is up with you guys? Hope all is well. Had a good holiday here and it continues until the 7th when H leaves to go back. For now, that is okay. Just glad to have some family time together and then, to build on it....and know that I really am okay with whatever happens. Don't get me wrong, I do love H and would like us to stay M and I know he does want that....but if I can't be #1 in his life, as in our M, then I'm okay with moving on.....no more wondering where I stand and no more taking his word for it, if you know what I mean.

I've thought of your questions about how to show your W(s) how you are NOW and what has changed in you...but I need to know the status today of what's going on in your M's.....

last but not least, I don't know if I told you that 2 M's in my family ended up divorced, only to remarry later....so it DOES happen....nothing is hopeless guys...

keep in touch,
j-

I guess it’s time for an update. I have asked my WAW to move out. She continues to go out at night come home 1:00 AM and expects me to watch the kids while she goes over to the OM home. I told her that this is disrespectful to me and the kids and she needs to leave.

We went to see an attorney yesterday to see if he would be right for us to use. The news was not good. It looks like what I will have to give her means I cannot save my home. Because we live in California she will get a large portion of my income. I will be likely to find a whole in the wall apartment. This really sucks, she goes out and has an affair but I get SCREWED.

She say’s she will find a room to rent until the divorce is final. The kids will stay with me. I’m asking for costadiy of the kids because I do not want them exposed to the new life style that she will be living. Her OM is 56 and she just turned 40. He is a cross dresser and uses drugs and alcohol.

I just need her out of the house. Evey time she comes home from his house I get a picture in my mind of him and her in bed together and it really hurts. I’m a man of faith and believe divorce is wrong. She is hurting the kids and me and all she cares about is her.

I’m hoping that as soon as she is not having her cake and eating it too she will realize what she is doing and what the damage is to her, me and the kids.

I pray for all the broken families and that god will heal them.

Dear O,

easy to say you're getting screwed but the property division isn't outrageous. What's unfair is why your M is ending, IF it is. See the difference? You own lots of why the M was falling apart, but your W owns giving up on it. Maybe she'll open her eyes and maybe won't. But there's lots to talk about.

Not much time right now for me, but will post more later. First, lose your anger at your wife. I know, easier said than done.But don't show it to her no matter what. It will not help ANY chance of a reconciliation AND it hurts your R with her and that matters b/c you have kids together AND it hurts your kids and that is the main thing now; PROTECT THEIR HEARTS....please don't let the anger win out over the love for them.

ALso, what's with assuming SHE"ll get 50% custody? I'd be SHOCKED if she gets ANY unsupervised visits....IF what you said about the OM using drugs is true and at all provable (Not beyond a reasonable doubt b/c this is NOT criminal court). IF you are saying something malicious, drop it. If you have proof, that's huge.

I'll post more later. But you need to stop fueling the negative images your W is using to justify leaving, and instead COUNTER those images with a calm man who is GAL and is a very loving father, funny happy man....IOW, Be a Man Only A Fool Would Leave....she WILL have 2nd thoughts. Impossible not to, unless she was always unhappy and no one is always unhappy, unless they are insane. And then all you can do is GAL.

more later.
J-

Dear OL,
Wow, i may be wrong, but aren't you the one who didn't want to ml much? I mean, to most women (and I dare say most men) when a spouse says no or shows little interest, it's pretty much like denying your wife your love and body and I hate to ask, but wasn't it for years? I mean, I'll go re-read the prior posts but if I recall correctly, I have to ask you...what were you expecting her to do?

Women, and I'm one of them, do have sex drives and more important to many of us, is the simple need to feel desired. It's HUGE and absolutely essential to staying happily married. I can only assume it's the same for men, but I am speaking for myself right now. Yes I am sad for you and her cheating is bad news. But if my H denied me over a prolonged time period, without a real medical reason, it would hurt me so deeply I am sure at some point many women justify getting their emotional/other needs met where they can. I feel pretty moral, but I'd be sorely tempted.

Sorry to say all this, but I did just re-read one of your posts. You admit your love life sucked, you "witheld", and you know it, and you did nothing about it even after she repeatedly expressed her needs. Shockingly she has no feelings for the M and has an OM.... So, now you are telling her to leave...to show her...what exactly? That you demand respect? Okay. I can accept that. Maybe she is refusing to work on the M, but you should own a bunch of the problems within it, don't you think? Have you told her of your regrets?

I still have faith in your M because I suspect your W still wants you at some level AND may be giving you a really hard test. OR she is testing your feelings....but back to earth, do you see how this was created? Do you see your role in this? If so, have you told her? Also, I HIGHLY recommend that you read The Five Love Languages by Chapman...it was useful to me. I have to wonder why she is hanging around if she isn't hoping for something at some level...
j-

25,

Thanks for the truth. I have owned up to the years I withheld my love. I have told her that I was wrong but did not know how to love her because of her anger. On the way home from work I could not wait to get home to hold her and tell her I love her. When I walk in the door I was greeted with hate and anger, so I went into my shell. Now I know that this was the wrong thing to do, but at the time it was self preservation.

She tells me she still loves me but not as a spouse. She continues to show care for me by doing little things for me. She keeps reminding me that she wants the divorce. We went to an attorney on the 15th to find out how to get a divorce. My feeling is she feels she needs this divorce to feel like she is her own person. She will not be defined as my wife. Does this make sense? She says she loves me but does not want to be married to me.

I so much want to learn how to love her the way she needs to be loved. But she wants no part of that so I have to sit in the back ground and watch her go to someone else for that love, than come home to the house where her kids and I live and expect to not feel hurt. This is disrespectful to me and the kids. My 16 year old daughter said I hope mom does not become a slut. How should I react to this statement?

I have admitted my past mistakes. I have been working on becoming a better partner. She was asked the question “What makes you happy?” she answered the name of the OM. How should I interrupt this?

She was as much at fault for the lack of love in our marriage as me. Her answer is to destroy the marriage and the kids to feel better. My answer is to work on the marriage.