Yup, it's so hard not to rehash the past. When you get into it both of you start the denial of what the other is saying. I liked your answer "that's the way it felt" when he said he wasn't controlling. A good sign would be if he could talk to you about how he could not seem controlling rather than defending himself. That's pretty normal though, and takes some doing to get to the point where you can actually accept someone elses experience of your behaviour and recognize the validity. Same on your side, 1210. When he says you weren't meeting his needs you repond "his needs were met". Nope, or he wouldn't have stepped out on you! But, that doesn't mean you could ever meet his needs if he wants you housebound and sitting at his feet each evening. You two will have to hash it all out. Eventually, you'll know whether this is possible or just more of the same. Hope this helps.
Absolutely!!! I love wearing black at night, it's dressy, tauntingly seductive - but he hates black. So, this is me and I am who I am...
Black, smoky eyes... silver jewelry... VS...
DAMN 1210, next thing you know .... oh, NEVER MIND!!!!
Well, sounds like things went reasonably well for you. Hope H couldn't concentrate! And BTW, I have been opening car doors for my dates! Didn't always for XW 'cept when we were on a "date"...
? for you.... I haven't read all your posts... how old are you and H?
Yes, Whatisis, you're right...obviously I didn't meet his needs...but you can't take a free spirit, put a ring on its' finger, then say you are now my wife - meaning I'm an a-sexual, house cleaning frump, with no brain, no thoughts that amount to anything, undesired object. The image of a housewife, to me, is one that cuts her hair short, gets fat, watches soap-operas and then, when her husband comes home, discusses that the dishwasher may be going on the fritz. I was a business woman, who cares what she looks like, never got fat, trimmed my hair, but it is still below my chest, one that could talk about current events and be independent. Apparently, he thought that my status was or should have been only wife. I was brought up to be independent - that's why I went to college. I wanted a partner, not a controller.
David - I just turned 45 on the tenth of this month...thus 1210...
You are a riot!!! The funny part, is that I'm starting to believe that you actually own a thong...
I was just venting to David and Whatisis - why can't men let their wives do what they want...be who they are...why does anyone feel the need to change the other?
I just realized, I seem angry...but I'm not, really, I just want validation for me, not as so and so's wife.
found out about affair 8/06 H moves out Nov/06 D final 8/07 X re marries OW 5/08 _________________________ Courage does not always roar, sometimes it is a quiet voice at the end of the day saying... " I will try again tomorrow". -- Mary Anne Radmacher
1210, that's my point. In time you will know whether he wants to be with YOU or whether he still wants what never really was. Can he appreciate you now for who you are. Time will tell!
Quote: but you can't take a free spirit, put a ring on its' finger, then say you are now my wife - meaning I'm an a-sexual, house cleaning frump, with no brain, no thoughts that amount to anything, undesired object. The image of a housewife, to me, is one that cuts her hair short, gets fat, watches soap-operas and then, when her husband comes home, discusses that the dishwasher may be going on the fritz. I was a business woman, who cares what she looks like, never got fat, trimmed my hair, but it is still below my chest, one that could talk about current events and be independent. Apparently, he thought that my status was or should have been only wife. I was brought up to be independent - that's why I went to college. I wanted a partner, not a controller.
DAMN! Sounds like pretty good qualities to have in a wife to ME! Go to the library and get a book called BOUNDARIES IN MARRIAGE.... they speak about controlling spouses and setting boundaries w/ them. You might find this helpful.
Quote: I just turned 45 on the tenth of this month...thus 1210...
I beat you by 5 months.... or maybe lost to you by five months! NAH... age never bothered me... And a lady friend has asked me how I've stayed so in shape. (6'/170ish)
Seriously... You should not apologize for being a separate independent being... That said can you honestly say that you were a completely committed PARTNER in the marriage?
I know at first XW and I felt that way... but w/in a few years seeing her not take an active role in things, letting me more or less "run things", pushing to have a child before we had agreed to start a family... all that felt like she was more interested in being MARRIED then in being my WIFE. PART of the reason I ended up having a brief A. Maybe 2 months start to finish, and more EA than PA...
Hope things work out... keep plugging away. I can tell you Div definitely SUCKS. Just got off the phone w/ school about my S12 and his grades/behavior. He who NEVER misbehaved. ARRGGGH
Quote: why can't men let their wives do what they want...be who they are...why
I tried that and you see where it got me. I tried to help her better herself but I was not pushey about it. I just simply let her do what she wanted when she wanted and I took care of the kide. I figured it was a way to let her unwind from dealing with the chaos from the kids all day but I guess I should have stopped it earlier.
Oh Well,
Nothing I can do about it now.
Sounds like you have a very good night. Got a lot of info out on the table which is really good in your sitch. Keep us posted sista.
Ben
Ben 32 STBXW 29 3 kids (D1,S4,SD8) (1 dog 5months) Status: Fighting for the Kids.
"The only thing we know about future developments is that they will develope."
Quote: why can't men let their wives do what they want...be who they are...why
Well 1210, you know me and my candor about items like this, no fear in telling the truth, I've alredy blown my man card anyway right
The truth of the matter is that men, as stupid as it is, look at their W's as a posession that they control. Like an autographed baseball card. The more it is handled or shown about the more damage the card recieves. It loses it's value and the beauty that you see in it. I know that my mistak was thinking that my W should only want to do things I wanted to, only go places that were acceptable to me. I wanted her life to be mine and match my thoughts of how it should be. I did not allow her to be herself and honor herself in exploring what makes her happy.
This is a huge mistake that we make because we don't neccesarily always believe that we are good enough for our wives. We feel like we don't deserve the hapiness and the woman that they are. It's a huge lack of self confidence that we all contain, I believe genetically. I believe that at some point a man grows up and realizes just how selfich he has been and only then can he lead a truly shared marriage with his W and allow her to get what she deserves as well.
