Osu: Wow - I just realized I've been validating in the wrong way. Because of my guilt and shame I've been letting him calling me those things (wayyy worse than Slut). By letting it get to me and not saying I'm sorry you feel that way, it's like I'm saying "OK I deserve it". No wonder he keeps doing it.
I do want to save our M. I know he doesn't want to lose me. He said that he already has lost me and that there is nothing worse I could do to him (even leaving him at this point isn't worse than what I did.)
He is absolutly right when he says this. He has lost the person that he fell in love with, however many years ago it was. That is why it is your job to dig that old person up and show him that you are still the same Gotta Change that you were when you M.
Glad you did not take offense to the slut comment.
Either way he need to see the changes in you are for real. Not just to win his trust back. First thing is to quit being part of the argument circle. "YOU" put "YOURSELF" into that sitch.
Take care sista, O
Glad my 2 cents helps at least one person...
Ben 32 STBXW 29 3 kids (D1,S4,SD8) (1 dog 5months) Status: Fighting for the Kids.
"The only thing we know about future developments is that they will develope."
He is absolutly right when he says this. He has lost the person that he fell in love with, however many years ago it was. That is why it is your job to dig that old person up and show him that you are still the same Gotta Change that you were when you M.
Glad you did not take offense to the slut comment.
Either way he need to see the changes in you are for real. Not just to win his trust back. First thing is to quit being part of the argument circle. "YOU" put "YOURSELF" into that sitch.
Take care sista, O
Glad my 2 cents helps at least one person...
So how do I respond when he says he lost me and or you've destroyed us? I'm sorry you feel this way? I think I'm going to need a few variations of that one - because it could get old really fast. Whenever he says things like that they are conversation killers for me. I end up feeling lost and hopeless....which makes me quiet.
Quiet = Bad
Today is probably going to be a very long exhausting day. He's bored at work and he's hung over from last night.
At least I got out last night, did some grocery shopping for our trip and had some Vietnamese Noodle soup for dinner. My food of choice when he's not around.
I think it was the "slut" comment that ended up helping. It at least made me smile
Quote: So how do I respond when he says he lost me and or you've destroyed us?
Whatever you say do not make it defensive. Defensive = Bad...Just agree and talk about how you are working on yourslef to correct those issues. Just remember to use I statments not You or US. Keep it about you do not have to agree with him, just try to keep it as you know how he feels and you know that you hurt him. It really seems like that is what his is looking for in a very twisted way.
You need to prove to him that you are not that person anymore and there is no way in hell that you are going to be able to do this in words. Actions speak louder than words.
Ben 32 STBXW 29 3 kids (D1,S4,SD8) (1 dog 5months) Status: Fighting for the Kids.
"The only thing we know about future developments is that they will develope."
I used I statements telling him that I've made changes, I'm not that person anymore, I love him and want him and need him. During that time, he did not want to hear about me (remember I'm the selfish brat). "I,I,I....that's all you ever talk about..."
Well, in that case find a way to validate him useing you and us.
Never get defensive.
If you tried using I statement switch it up a little bit.
Like I said. "I understand how YOU feel" Or I can understand why you feel that way. Or Yes I was a "Fill in the blank".
Just do not give him anything to argue about. If you agree with him then he can not argue. But you have to becareful not to let his harmful words hurt you.
Maybe it is as simple as "I understand how you feel. Is there anything I can do for you to change that perception"
Remember he is just hanging on to the past right now. It will take him a while to get out of it.
Very sticky sitch you are in. It really does suck. But I am proud of your for giving it up and working to save your M. I just wish my W had half the brain that a lot of you gals have. She does not realize what she is doing and probably won't until it is too late. One can only put up with their crap for so long before they just get fed up and have to move on for themselves. Just saddens me.
O
Ben 32 STBXW 29 3 kids (D1,S4,SD8) (1 dog 5months) Status: Fighting for the Kids.
"The only thing we know about future developments is that they will develope."
Quote: Well, in that case find a way to validate him useing you and us.
Never get defensive.
If you tried using I statement switch it up a little bit.
Like I said. "I understand how YOU feel" Or I can understand why you feel that way. Or Yes I was a "Fill in the blank".
Just do not give him anything to argue about. If you agree with him then he can not argue. But you have to becareful not to let his harmful words hurt you.
Maybe it is as simple as "I understand how you feel. Is there anything I can do for you to change that perception"
Remember he is just hanging on to the past right now. It will take him a while to get out of it.
Very sticky sitch you are in. It really does suck. But I am proud of your for giving it up and working to save your M. I just wish my W had half the brain that a lot of you gals have. She does not realize what she is doing and probably won't until it is too late. One can only put up with their crap for so long before they just get fed up and have to move on for themselves. Just saddens me.
O
I'm sorry about your W. It sounds like she does go back and forth. I've read through your posts and it does sound like you are working towards making yourself a better person, regardless of the outcome. I think that's what all of this boils down to, right?
You do have something to focus your energy on as well - your kids. We never had kids (me = 39, H=40 in 1 week). Lots of reasons before, now I'm regretting those decisions.
Keep your PMA up - you are helping others on both sides of the fence in these forums. That should make you feel good!
Heck, even one of the 'regulars' commented the other day on how far you've come. Impressive!
Have a wonderful holiday with the little ones. I'm signing off for 10 days. I'll be spending them with the H and our dog.
Goals for vacation Detach - don't let the hurtful words get to me....after all they are just words. Love - show love in all that I do and say Validate - agree with his feelings, they are how he feels - right, wrong or indifferent. feelings come and go. Share - this is the biggie. Share my thoughts and feelings - he needs to see that I can open up and not shut down around him
Well, I survived the holidays for the most part. It got ugly for a bit there, but we both agreed for New Years to be civil towards each other.
With that said, I am still battling every day his fears - that I'm untrustworthy and lying. I have told him all of the information he's asked for (and then some) about the A. But I changed my story a few times, and now he's at a point that he doesn't believe ANYTHING I say.
This is hard. I want him to know that I love him and I never meant to hurt him the way that I did and I don't know how to answer his..."then why did you do it for so long?"
He is stuck with the "you did this" and I want to get to the "let's work together to move forward".
I know everyone says it takes time, but maybe I could get some advice on how to SHOW him that I mean these things.
Quote: but maybe I could get some advice on how to SHOW him that I mean these things.
As far as earning your trust back, this is exactly what you need to do - SHOW him.
I have been struggling with my W's A also, and she wants to keep OM as a friend, which I don't like. My W's words are one thing, but I have a hard time believing half of what she says. I really wish that everything she says about loving me is true, I want to believe her, but I have a better chance of trusting her more if she commits more to actions than words. I need for her to spend time with me, in and out of the house, for her to call me more just to say she's thinking of me. Basically, just doing things for me and for us as a couple will help in earning my trust in her faster than just words can. I feel better when we talk and sit lovingly next to each other, and ML more often than usual. My W needs to SHOW me she wants me, and for guys doing things carries more weight than talking.
Hope this helps, I know it helps me!
~Sol
~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Single Dad, and luvin it! ~ Happiness is a state of mind ~
