Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy NikkiB's new thread, new life

Hi all, just checking in. I’m behind on all your threads again but please know my thoughts are with all of you. I will catch up soon.

DonH – Ativan, that was it! I honestly don’t know the dosage they gave me in the hospital. It is kind of odd because all of the stuff I forgot was at least a couple of hours after taking it. Maybe the amnesia was just the combination of that and the stress? The prescription I have now is for 1MG tablets of Lorazepam, which I assume is the generic version. I couldn’t get in to see my regular doc until Weds, so I’m kind of glad I have some of these left over from the weekend just in case. My mom kept trying to get me to take some yesterday because I started to “lock up” again when we were out shopping. I probably could’ve used a half tablet but got through it. I had about 2 hours of really fighting the clenched hands and dizziness. The whole time I was breathing SO slowly I can’t believe it was even possibly hyperventilating but who knows. I took some potassium again and it seemed to help too.

Stilltryin – you are right that H was there for me and I’m really grateful for it.

Yesterday was OK. I kept as positive as I could but this anxiety thing really scared me… I kept worrying it would creep up on me again (I know, counterproductive!). Last night was yet another rough one… <sigh>. We were having a decent night, watching a movie, H was excited about the gifts I got for everyone. Then out of nowhere H started a LOT of R talk. I’m trying not to let it impact me but I’m not quite that detached yet!!

Here was some of the weirdness. Any tips on how I could handle things better next time are welcome, although I think I did OK.

- Out of the blue H paused the movie and said “[friend’s name] has a room for rent.” Then immediately apologized and said he shouldn’t have told me. I asked about the place a bit. He kept saying it wasn’t very “homey” and seemed lonely and he didn’t really want to live there.

- Talked about the original friend’s house where he was going to stay and said “I’d rather be there but I don’t think it’s what I need.” I asked what he needed and he said “To know what it’s like to be on my own, not just staying with someone.”

(Used my handy dandy STOP SIGN here. I thought he was setting me up to tell me he was moving into OW and her roommate’s spare bedroom but I didn’t say it and kicked the thought out of my head!).

- Said he keeps having nightmares where he walks into our house and it’s not ours anymore. Things are moved, changed, we don’t live there. I wonder if it’s based in reality a bit. The former owners of our house D’d and later reconciled. The former owner comes by sometimes and he gets really sad when he sees the stuff we’ve changed in the house.

- Work has been really depressing him because of OW. She backed off but now he’s missing her. He was really upset that she blew off his birthday. He almost sounded like a guy going through a high school breakup. I asked him if he was ever in love with her and he said “No, but I do wonder about falling in love with someone like her.” I listened as a friend and didn’t react to this (yay me!).

- He keeps thinking about NOT separating. He said he makes his mind up to stay but then realizes “I need to go.” Says he needs the time away to show him what he’d be losing with me, or make sure he’s not missing out on anything. (I didn’t show it at the time but that hurt… to think he’s going to go see if he can find someone better and if not, settle for me…ow). I can see that he’s kind of setting up for a cake-eating scenario. I will have to really guard against this by GAL of my own and not wallowing.

- I’m doing all the right things and there’s nothing more I could change that he would want me to do differently. He’s glad to see me not “sleepwalking” through life anymore and hopes it’s permanent. He said he sees hope for a future with me.

- He said what happened to me Friday was making him think he shouldn’t move out. He said it’s a totally selfish thing that “only a jacka$$ would do” (he repeats this phrase SO MUCH when we get into these talks!!). I asked if Friday showed him how much it was stressing me out or something and he said no, then yes, then that I totally didn’t understand what he meant. He's right, he lost me! I asked him to tell me in a different way so I could understand and he told me I’d never be able to. (????)

- He said I’m a good person and that makes him even more of a jacka$$.

- Most of his friends that he’s talked to about it tell him he’s crazy to leave, and one of them even called him on the OW thing (apparently threw some advice right back at him that H had offered this friend a couple years ago – H was upset that he didn’t remember giving the advice).

I let him do most of the talking but I did ask him where he thought we’d be a year from now. He replied “Either separated but a lot happier than we are tonight, or madly in love with each other.”

Wow…that was a big positive, to hear that he even thinks there is potential for “madly in love” again.

Lots of positives there, most notably no anxiety attack, but I’m very sad again today. I really thought he wouldn’t move out and now I’m feeling more and more like he will. I know I need to move on and detach, and I love him enough to do it, but it just makes me so sad. All day I keep thinking drop the rope, if you love something set it free, all of that but it is so hard to do. As you all well know.

hey, there were still a lot of good things there. More than what my H offered before he asked me to stay at my moms for a while.

We were apart for a month. (what's funny was, I was gone for 4 months the whole last part of last year due to my back going out, and then our oldes s8 having surgery, so he had that whole time by himself!)

Anyways, don't worry about him if he does decide to S. It's okay. I bet you that he'll be constantly coming over, or calling you. As long as you continue to take care of yourself and GAL.

Just keep validating his needs. if he feels like he needs time alone. agree with him. It really might be good. My H text me a week early that he wanted me to be his wife forever and couldn't wait to tell me when he was planning to.

Hang in there, and don't stress about your hyperventilation, that can only make it worse!!!! I know you already know that though, but it helps when people tell you again.

Ativan and lorazapam are the same thing. 1 mg is a pretty standard dose although you may get some value out of taking half in which case the side effects may not be as bad. It would be rare that 1 mg would cause amnesia. They likely gave you something similiar (or the same) in IV form in the hospital and they could have given you a larger dose since they were watching you. That very well could cause the memory loss.

If you continue to have the anxiety issues, you may really have to consider going on a medication. They would not keep you on Ativan long term - just long enough for something else to replace it. One of the contenders will be Zoloft since it seems to work pretty well for anxiety. This is a pretty common issue so your doc should be able to handle it just fine for you. The Zoloft, or something similiar should have less side effects as well so you won't have to worry about that as much.

Let me know if you have other questions before you get into see your doc. I'm not a physician but I used to play one on TV

Thanks Stilltryin. I agree, lots of positives. I thought of more GAL things today that I'm kind of excited about. I feel like it's all on hold til after the holidays - right now I just can't handle much more "L" thank you very much!! But I have lots I'm looking forward to.

I do appreciate the repeat on the hyperventilation info. You made me laugh and yes, it helps to hear it again!!

I had a pretty good day today. I had to drive to the San Francisco Bay area for work, and I have to admit that I was really scared about the drive after my attack the other day. I mean if a haircut could send me into an ambulance what could SF traffic do???? I almost backed out and could've probably gotten out of it but I am SO glad I forced myself to go. I think I did great!! The traffic between my house and there is enough to make a "normal" person nuts, and I made it there no problem and didn't even get lost. I feel pretty empowered actually.

Had dinner with my brother and his wife (they live in the area), talked to them about things a bit, and drove home. It's funny how often people say "It's such a long drive by yourself!" but I kind of enjoy it. I bought the audio version of 5 Love Languages and listened to it on the way there and back. Lots of good stuff.. a lot feels like missed chances right now but if/when we get to "piecing" boy will I be ready. I guess my bro and his wife are having a lot of similar issues, they really wanted to talk more but we couldn't without all crying so we stopped... but I offered to let them borrow the CDs when I'm done and they were pretty excited to borrow them. Might be a weird Christmas gift but maybe a surprise "January out of nowhere" gift makes sense.

My bro wants us to all go kayaking in the ocean in Monterey and see the Sea Otters up close, I LOVE otters and love this idea. I want to go whale watching with them too. The kayak may be kind of challenging w/my physical issues but I think I can do it, especially with a bit of help.

I called H once all day on the way home just to let him know I was safely on the way (acting "as if" it was a normal business trip, guess it was a mistake). He got really annoyed and rude, so I apologized for calling and hung up. He called back about 30 min later and said he was sorry, then asked where I was. I said "driving" and oddly enough he asked me if I was at a bar...(????) Um no... long drive home!! He stayed up and waited for me but didn't want to talk much when I got here. Weird.

Hi DonH, I so appreciate the medical perspective, thanks!!! Playing one on TV is still good help!

I do have one other medical type question.. Ellie suggested some medical issues earlier on my thread. I have osteoporosis and a few other issues (acid reflux, low "drive," etc.) that seem to be somewhat tied to other things. So, while I know the obvious right now is former steroids and current stress, it seems at least possible that there's something else going on. Any thoughts??

As for the Ativan/Lorazepam, I actually took 1mg last night and slept SO well, but didn't have any weird amnesia or anything, so I think the strangeness Friday night must have been a combination of factors. Maybe I took more than I realized with the hospital dose? They did give me something via IV - thought it was just saline but maybe it was more. Last night I just felt finally relaxed for the first time in a LONG time and I slept without wanting to cry. Usually I can keep it together during the day but if I lay down or relax, I just kinda lose it. I know it's not a long term solution but I was glad to have the option so I could sleep at least.

I have an appt tomorrow with my doc to talk about all this including possible medication. I did get a scrip for Wellbutrin awhile back but resisted taking it.. didn't want any bad side effects. Two of the biggest problems during our M have been weight gain and .. uh .. sexual "issues"... which are so common with AD meds and I really am afraid of making those worse. But it's starting to look like NOT taking them may be worse for me.

I am excited about a lot of my GAL activities and keep on working on detaching, but I just feel like it's SUCH a fight sometimes. If I can make it even a tiny bit easier for awhile, maybe this will all be better.

Wow, there are a lot of questions in there. I'll try to answer them in order.

As for the degenerative problems along with steroids and such, that unfortunatly is going to be a bit out of my relm. As a paramedic I have a pretty good knowledge but on a limited amount of topics. You'll have to speak to a real doctor to get sound advice on these.

I would still guess that they gave you some IV Ativan in the ED. That certainly would have been appropriate. I can only guess though. Yes, it will help you to sleep. Ativan is a lot like Valium. Perhaps that might help you to understand it more since Valium is more commenly known to people. It is a schedule IV controlled subsance meaning that it has a pretty low abuse potential but is still habit forming enough to be a contolled substance. That is why they don't want to keep you on these over the long term. The drill is to use them until something like Wellbutrin or Zoloft can take effect and then stop the Ativan or use it just for attacks which would mean getting 30 or 60 of them a year. The last thing you want to do is become dependend on a medication on top of everything else.

You are correct with the side effect issues. From what I understand, the side effects that you mention are much worse with Zoloft. People seem to find that the sexual issues and weight gain are not nearly as bad with Wellbutrin. It has to do with the make up of the drug itself. Wellbutrin has norepenehrine and dopamine effects where Zolft does not. Norepenehrine could actually make you a bit hyper at first but it is because of this added energy that weight gain may not be a problem for you.

Have you ever had your blood tested for a estrogen or testostorone level? I'm again on the frinde of my understanding here but your lack of desire could again be a chemical issue that can be corrected. It could also be related to other medications you may be taking.

The best advice that I can give you on all of this is to find a very good and understanding doc that you can work through all of these items with. Someone who will take the time to listen to you, be willing to try different things until you find something that works and be willing to keep at it. Then you have to do your part which will include TAKING THE MEDICATION and also learning as much about your condition, the medications and getting better as you can.

I hope that helps. Let me know if you have other questions.

My Current Sitch

That's awesome that you handled the long drive with ease! I enjoy long drives too (except for the pain in my back!) and listening to music or audiotapes.

Isn't it wonderful that you have so much knowledge to help your brother and his wife with their own R? Who knows, maybe God let you go thru this so that you could help your bro? I always try to look at the positive sides to bad things. Either way, they have an awesome friend and family member that will give them a lot of good information and advice! You Go! (I didn't get the "january out of nowhere", what did that mean exactly?)

kayaking in the ocean would be SO COOL!!!! I would love that. Definitely let that be a distant future goal for you, and you could maybe create small goals inbetween for you physically to help you know you'll be capable of doing that. But I know that you will!!!

I'm sorry that your H had to be rude to you. At least he called to appologize. Maybe you just called at the wrong time. Just let that pass. He's just got somethin up his butt and eventually that "selfish-prideful-I think my life sucks" stick will fall out! haha.

Hey, have you gotten better with your diet? as in not a fasting diet but a healthy diet? Definitely your diet should help with the acid-reflux part. And the osteoporosis, I'm sure there are a lot of good vitamins you could be taking as well.

Of course if doing things on your own (w/o the meds) is just too much, then if you really know and have faith that you can use the meds limitedly and you won't become reliant on them, then it would probably be good to use them. I just don't like them because they don't fix the problem, just the symptoms, and then so many people become reliant on them.

So just know yourself well enough, and have enough determination to be able to stop them when you should.

Thanks for the replies!!

DonH – the doc’s sending me for more blood tests today, but for now is putting me on Wellbutrin and Xanax (and yes, I’ll take them this time!!!). She also referred me for IC, so I hope I can find someone good. I may ask our MC if she’s familiar with any of my “in network” ICs so I can get that part covered by insurance.

She’s working through the medical tests but does feel it’s mostly stress related. She said my potassium was VERY low in the hospital – they had kind of implied it was low but not “that” low. So she thinks it was actually low potassium that started the muscle spasms, that got me worried, and combined with the other anxiety it just kind of took over. She’s really confident that between the meds and IC I will be doing a lot better in a month. I hope so. She’s testing me for hormones, potassium and calcium I think she said… hopefully that will tell us something too.

Hey NikkiB-

Glad to hear you sounding better. Hope everything gets resolved medically soon.

Sometimes when I need a pick-me-up, I really think that God is putting me thru this sitch as a learning tool to help someone else. Wouldn't it be great if that's the case for you? And that you can help your family members who are having rough spots right now? It gives me comfort to think that there is a greater plan at work here.

Have a great day. Thinking about you. Haven't been posting much b/c I've been in a little mood, but have been keeping up and will continue to do so. Take care and enjoy your week. Julie