Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy NikkiB's new thread, new life

I'm not crazy about lying, and if you think he might catch you in it, I wouldn't do it. However, it has been my observation that the hint of you going to an attorney might set him off - it often seems to. They suddenly feel like 'all right then, I WILL file, and this will get dirty". That's why I would keep it completely under the radar if you could.

Ironically, my brother - who has 3 failed marriages because he's always looking for the other person to make him feel better - did something like that when he left his last wife. He had evidently been stewing over leaving for a while (W didn't know a thing - I think there was an EA he was having at work). Anyway - he saw attorney's number W had in kitchen and jumped to conclusion she was calling a divorce attorney (actually, she was calling about my brother adopting her daughter). Major projection, obviously, on his part, but I'll always wonder if those few hours or days of thinking the wrong thing weren't the final push that got him to do something about leaving - and once he found out the truth, he'd already set his course.

Ellie

Hi Oldtimer, thanks for your perspective.

I understand what you're saying, but I think our lives are more involved with each other than you realize right now (I know that may not be the case in a month or two though and will respect H’s wishes if he leaves). We're living together, discussing finances, bills, major purchases, retirement plans, etc. with each other. Usually these conversations are initiated by him– the only thing I’m pursuing is the house refi. At the moment we’re operating more like a H-W or maybe more like business partners on those kinds of things. But I do think you’re right he doesn’t need to know about it and there are a lot of good reasons not to bring it up.

I really appreciate the reminders not to push. It’s amazing how that stuff creeps in even when I’m trying not to let it! I did sign up because it's the best choice for ME, and you're right I need to stop thinking about the "how will H react" part

H gets home before me and usually gets the mail, so there's a reasonable chance he'll see the packet. I am hoping they mail it in a nondescript envelope. I wish I could have had it mailed somewhere else actually. I didn't know they were sending me anything until after I enrolled - the final confirm screen said something like "Thank you, please watch your mail for an information packet containing the details of your plan." Arrrrrrgh!! I called to see if they could send it to an alternate address but they said it’s too late.

Ellie - thanks for your additional post. I definitely see your point and don’t want to trigger anything. I’m not comfortable lying but will do my best to avoid him finding out about it. I won’t mention it unless he says something about it or it’s obvious to me that he saw the info packet (i.e. he leaves it out by my purse or something). If he does, I’ll be prepared to focus on the estate, POA, etc. side of it like Stilltryin suggested (thanks again!). It IS a good deal for those things too.

Maybe I can just ask him to stop getting the mail for awhile - tell him a gift is being shipped and I don’t want to ruin the surprise or something. Hmm.

Hi Nikki. Sorry to poke the hornet's nest.

I'll quote kml here:

I wouldn't do it. However, it has been my observation that the hint of you going to an attorney might set him off - it often seems to. They suddenly feel like 'all right then, I WILL file, and this will get dirty". That's why I would keep it completely under the radar if you could.

This is what my perspective was in posting what I did. That if you did this and he found out, it might push him to be belligerent right back. That's why I'd be worried about him noticing.

So the problem is telling him or not tells him.

If you tell him, you might get that exact response. If you don't fine.

If you don't tell him and he never finds out, then fine.

But if you don't tell him and he does find out, then what?

Let me just say this. Early on in my sitch (early S) I consulted, and went to great pains
to make it as untraceable as possible (didn't even post that I'd done it here, that's how paranoid I was). Didn't want W to find out I'd seen L and have her do as kml wrote.

I'd just sit on this (telling him) a while. You don't have to decide right now do you?

Take care,

Hi Stoic,

No apologies needed - I appreciate all the feedback!! All of this is so hard and confusing, it is very helpful to have all the different perspectives on it.

You nailed the problem, that's for sure. And I wouldn't have to decide right now except for them mailing that packet to our house - but I think I will go with the "let me get the mail, a gift is on the way" plan.

We talked about it in MC and decided to exchange gifts this year, so it won't be "pressure-y" or weird to tell him that a gift is coming. It's also pretty much true, I have a number of mail order gifts coming... so I think that's my best bet and buys me some time to decide.

I think that sounds like a reasonable plan, to use the gift as an excuse.

I just want you to be prepared in case he just happens to see it. Is he the type to be snoopy? My H wasn't, but somehow he was able to pull up this website and found my first thread. In a way it actually turned for good, but there were somethings he found out about that really made him mad.

So, like stoic said, think that's who said it, I'm so bad at remembering names!!! know your options, if he finds it, or if you tell him, or don't or whatever. The bad thing will be if you don't tell him and he finds out and never tells you. That's what my H was going to do with the info he found on this site, never tell me. But luckily I could tell something upset him, so I urged him to tell me.

Also, during my H's A and probably a month into my DBing, maybe it was before, but I had recently accepted the fact that he wanted to end our marriage. I brought up at dinner some question about how we would have to sell everything. Then he even questioned himself outloud wondering how we would do it, or who would get what, and I told him, well I already talked to a lawyer and whatever we got after the marriage is all 50/50. He didn't respond, and I don't think anything negative came out of it. But then again, he knew that I had finally accepted he wanted out and I had stopped "chasing" him.

You are your best judgement, so do what you think is best for your sitch. Every H is going to react differently, and you know you H best, although very sporatically, but still.

IMHO I would go ahead with your gift plan, and then when you get it in the mail, see if it has anything on the outside that looks suspicious or just plain obvious to what you enrolled in. If you truely know that he never saw it, I would take it to your work and leave it there and never mention it. However, if it was possible that he could have seen it and he would have a slight idea of what it was, then it might be a good idea to bring it up in the "As If" scenerio I mentioned before.

but that's just my opinion.

p.s. this holiday season will be tough, but you can do it. Your going to have all sorts of emotions pop up at you, but stay strong and detach, lovingly.

Hi Stilltryin,

Thanks for posting. My H isn’t particularly snoopy and right now we’re BOTH operating in such a mental fog, I don’t think he’s probably going to notice. I did tell him the gift thing last night and that I wanted to get the mail for now and he was totally fine (actually he seemed all intrigued as to what cool gift was on the way). I think your plan sounds really good.

His birthday yesterday was pretty bad… <sigh>. The EA/OW is the one who always does the birthday ‘stuff’ for the guys at work. She has apparently totally backed off as promised so he had no cake, no card, no decorations, no nothing at work. He seemed pretty sad about it. I kind of wish I’d brought a cake in for him, although that might’ve been pressure. I did make him one at home and he really appreciated it.

We are still avoiding any dinners alone unless it’s somewhere distracting, so we met up with some friends of his last night. I told him several times to do whatever he wanted on his BD, that it didn’t have to involve me, but he picked this dinner thing with me and his friends. On the way there it happened again where I just literally ran out of things to say. He wasn’t talking much and after 10 minutes or so, I just ran out. I guess on the plus side I stayed quiet rather than bringing up anything sensitive, but it was so sad sitting there in the car with this man I love, realizing he doesn’t want me around right now, and having this massive distance between us. I felt like it should've been an opportunity to be fun, turn the mood around somehow, but I just wasn't able to find anything that worked.

At dinner the guys all talked cars and about how great it was to be out without their girlfriends. I kept thinking H probably wished I wasn’t there but did my best “as if” and joined the convo as much as I could. One of the guys is the one he’s talking about moving in with and I don’t know what, if anything, they’ve talked about so I was feeling awkward there too.

I sooo wish we had a guest bed or bedroom in our house. Talk about detaching – last night it just hit me in this huge rush that the man I was next to in bed doesn’t love me. He doesn’t want me. He cares and doesn’t want to hurt me, but he wants me out of his life. I know, I know, no news to you guys but it’s like the emotion finally caught up to the logic. I couldn’t be there in bed next to him anymore, so I ended up attempting to sleep on the couch the rest of the night. I am so tired today!! I didn't make a big deal out of it, just told him I was tossing & turning and didn't want to keep him awake. He said he wished I had stayed in bed.

Just rambling and journaling I guess… I hope I can get a nap sometime today, PMA is tough when you’re exhausted.

Nikki,

I'd really encourage you to try to be more direct. It is OK for H to know you are in pain.

Something like this may get you better results: "I was having a hard time emotionally being near you in our bed last night. Maybe tonight will be different. But, no promises. I need to take of myself, and I guess sometimes that means catching some ZZZZs on a couch."

Notice that there are no hidden agendas, no blame statements. It is a simple straightforward report of what was going on with you.

Best,
Roxanne

I actually think it would have been a nice gesture(to bring in a cake), but it might be good that you didn't get the opportunity, it might have made him feel awkward. You showed him your appreciation by making him one at home, so that was good.

Let me tell you, in regards to having nothing to say. I had this so many times. I already knew that my H and I don't have a whole lot in common, and all during our time together I never felt like we had the connection we should have had. I would hear him crack up laughing with old highschool friends, and he would never do that with me. or I with him for that matter. So when this OW was someone that he went to highschool with, and everyone knows her too, all I could think of was what little I had to say to him, and all the things that they were talking about... old times, old friends, their previous R together before me, how much he hated being with me, blah blah. You just have to get past all that. And you know what? Men don't need to talk like women do. Most men that is. If there is silence, it's okay. I've learned that silence can also mean comfort. You don't have to feel awkward.

I too, slept on the couch several nights after getting up from the bed because I just wanted to bawl all night. Unlike OT, I never did want him to know. I think maybe one time I said I was struggling with what was going on and just needed to sleep alone that night.

I think it was good that your H said he wished you'd stayed in bed.

I know your smart enough to know that we've all been thru it, cuz you said yourself "I know, I know, no news to you guys but it’s like the emotion finally caught up to the logic.", but you just have to accept that you will have these emotions. It's okay. It's okay to hurt. what's not okay, is if you let these feelings drag you down. Remember, feelings don't last forever.

And even if you think that your H doesn't love you, I really think that you are wrong. He just feels stuck right now, and he thinks it's because of you. He will find out soon enough, that it wasn't because of you, and it is his choice to get unstuck. You just have to be patient for that time to come to pass.

OT had an insightful post too.

Thanks Oldtimer – historically I’ve not been very good at being direct, so I appreciate the help in how to do it the right way. This morning I was such a wreck (partly lack of sleep I think), that even speaking to H at all without crying was a major accomplishment. I need to get better at making statements like the one you suggested so that I can express things better AND so I can start really believing and demonstrating that I’m responsible for my emotional well being, though. And I mean demonstrating to myself, not so much to H. If he asks about it or it happens again, I’ll be ready.

I think I’m hesitant to show him I’m hurting because we both know the cause and I don’t want to make him feel even worse, but I know that's not helpful. One of our biggest issues is that neither of us express our feelings well or share them openly, so I think this is an important lesson for me to learn.

Stilltryin – you know, you’re right, he probably appreciated the silence more than jittery small talk. I forget that guys like quiet so much more than a lot of us women do.

I’m so comforted to know I’m not the only one crazy enough to get out of bed when her H was still there. All night on the couch I kept thinking “You may not get many more nights next to him, what are you doing giving this one up???”

Thanks for the words about it being OK to hurt. You are right, and I needed to hear that. I keep thinking part of getting through this is not allowing myself to get hurt and that’s impossible. Right after I read your post I scheduled hair and nail appts for tomorrow so I’ll be forced to go out and do something fun. I took the day off to finish up shopping and wrapping, which may be delayed now, but I need the time to take care of me.

Great to hear your taking a day to take care of yourself. Not saying your lucky that you don't have children, but it is very hard for me to really take care of myself. I only have two, but it seems like that's all I do, and I have to remind myself that I can't be mom 24/7, I gotta take care of me too.

I really really believe you will have thousands of nights to sleep with your H. If I'm wrong, well, you have my permission to come kick me in the rear end or something! But seriously, there are a lot of things about your R that I am jealous of.

But even so, I know how hard things can be. I knew that in my sitch there were things that I was lucky about, but it didn't make the hurt any less.

You just focus on your own hapiness and what God wants for you.

I almost feel more sad for those that don't have a relationship with the Lord because when you truely believe that our creator knows what is best for us, and if we love him, that he will ultimately turn it all for the good so we do not need to worry, then you are free. Free to let the pain go because we know that He has a plan. Just as we take care of our children, we sometimes allow them to go thru trials in order for them to grow and learn from their mistakes, but in the end we know what is best for them, even if they cannot see it at the time. That is why I praise God for what he allowed me to go thru. A Wake-Up call INDEED!

goodnight!