Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy NikkiB's new thread, new life

Um, Nikki, you are BOTH really mad at each other whether either of you wants to admit it or not. Admitting it when you can do so in a nonmanipulative, non-needy way is probably the best thing for all involved.

Best,
Oldtimer

Oldtimer… wow, I hadn’t really thought about it that way. We get along really well most of the time and care deeply about each other (mutual feelings we’ve both expressed). I’ve been mad about a few things here and there but until you said that, I didn’t really see that it probably goes a lot deeper. Thanks for giving me something to think about.

I’m nowhere near ready to talk about it yet, but will work on admitting it to myself for now.

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Anyway H was very "off" even on the way over there - he looked exhausted and beat down. I wasn't putting any pressure on him, just visiting with the family and stuff. Most of the time he wasn't even in the room with the family - he found stuff to repair at his mom's house so we all visited while he fixed stuff. Kind of weird.

At dinner he was such a jerk to me. It was like he put on some sort of filter where he couldn't even HEAR me.

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Hi Nikki-
Wanted to address this quickly. This reminds me of Thanksgiving. Right around then H started acting rude to me and annoyed at me for nothing. Found out he was really wanting his space. Also, on t-day, H was very strange... doing his own thing at our dessert bar. Later I gave it some thought and wish I had thought of this sooner, but I think he was acting like an a$$ b/c he was worried about seeing some relatives for the 1st time since this all hit the fan. He wasn't sure how the reaction was going to be so was trying to buffer himself and act like it didn't matter. Just a protection I guess. I realized that I couldn't take that all personally. It's about his insecurity and fears of disappointing people and being uncomfortable with the sitch he has created. So let it go, I know you are. And next time just remember that he is also having a hard time right now. Give him lots of space and no pressure. Just my 2 cents. Julie

Thanks Julie - you're right, he's probably really hurting and afraid right now, too. It's hard to remember that sometimes.

I didn't pressure him at all or even mention his behavior except here - his sister, who supposedly doesn't even know what's going on, was the only one to push him (and hey.. what are siblings for if not to make you uncomfortable at family gatherings???).

I've let it go already and never did really take it too personally, other than to think it was pretty rude. I understand that it was probably coming from a whole lot of hurt though. He has been sleeping SO much lately, I know that's related too.

He asked if I was making him a birthday cake this year - I asked if he wanted one, he said yes so I baked that tonight. His mom made him one too but he likes mine better.. . Always makes me feel good to hear him say that (I mean, how often do you hear "but it's not like Mom used to make it" - so you gotta like the opposite!). He asked if I'd take him out to dinner for his birthday so we'll do that Weds.

It's so strange right now. He's not at home that much and finds a million other things to do, but he is calling and letting me know where he is more often. And when he is home, it's like he's REALLY home... acting normal, being really sweet to me... I don't know how to explain it.

I'm trying to detach, but I know I'm not doing very well at the moment and I'm overanalyzing everything. I have been thinking and realized this has been on his mind a LONG time. Everytime we go do one of our "regular" things (boating, weekends in Tahoe, etc.) I realized I have had this odd feeling of dread towards the end, and I couldn't figure out why. Now I realize, H has felt for a long time that it was the "last" for each thing. Last time we were leaving the cabin he asked me if I'd said "goodbye" to Tahoe and I thought it was strange. He did something similar on our last boating trip of the summer. It happened to be the same trip the boat broke and he said "Well I guess that's it for boating." I said "just til next year" and that we had all winter to work on fixing it, and he just had the saddest look on his face.

I wish I had picked up on all this SO much sooner or that he'd been able to tell me. I know, it's all in the past and I need to let that go and look towards the future... just some thoughts that have been hitting me lately.

before I forget.

I think he is really upset about the whole moving thing and you stayin in the house because of his excuse that his only mistake was getting married.

Just put that whole comment on the backburner. Cause I think he will regret saying that in the future. And you did a really good job too, that would be a hard comment not to get upset by.

okay, back to reading.

does it seem like he is more distant with you when he is around certain people? It seems that he is more "with" you when you guys are alone. Oldtime and Juli I think were right on. I also think he probably doesn't really know how to act, so distancing himself from you is easiest for him. don't know, but you know not to worry about it, so good for you!

On the xmas presents, I'm sure you'll find something that will work, you did for his b-day. Just remember not to expect anything from him. Then if you do get something, you 'll be pleasantly suprised, and if you don't, then you won't be disappointed, or as much anyways.

My b-day was right around the time H wanted some space to figure out what he wanted (and it was mainly to see if he really wanted me for sure) well, he didn't get anything for me. He did txt me Happy b-day, but no present. That's okay. I'm looking forward to xmas now!

Yes, please try to detatch more, and try not to think about all those times in the past. It can't help you now and you can't relive it. Just take these experiences with you and learn from them.

I still have a lot of hope for you. Your H is at a time in his life where he feels stuck. He thinks you put him there. Well, he is wrong. HE put himself there. Now he needs to get himself out. Your already out waiting for him. He'll come around. There are so many good things that are happening in your sitch. I really see you guys having a wonderful M for many long years. It's so funny how loving he can be towards you, and how much he can enjoy being with you, yet he still thinks you've "ruined" his life. He is so blinded. Just be patient though. I just know things will work out for you guys.

Oh, btw, that was absolultely hillarious about his sister treating him like a two year old, I thought I would die!!

Hi Stilltryin,

It’s hard to say who he’s more distant around. It seems to be mostly his family. It’s really hard to tell whether it’s his mood causing it, or the situation causing the mood, though. The weekends seem to be really hard for him. He spends half of the weekend trying to find things to do away from me and home, but then alternates that with coming home and really wanting to be with me (sometimes I’m here, sometimes I’m not – he’s asked me to come home a few times). I think the fact that the birthday dinner was Sunday afternoon after a whole weekend of this back and forth thing may have had something to do with it.

The “glass half full” side of me thinks he’s wrestling with whether he really wants to move out or not. The “glass half empty” side thinks he’s struggling just to hang on through the holidays. I don’t ask and try not to focus on it, but I do wish I knew what’s really going on.

I still have hope for us too… just tryin’ not to get too emotionally messed up in the process.

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The “glass half full” side of me thinks he’s wrestling with whether he really wants to move out or not. The “glass half empty” side thinks he’s struggling just to hang on through the holidays. I don’t ask and try not to focus on it, but I do wish I knew what’s really going on.

I still have hope for us too… just tryin’ not to get too emotionally messed up in the process.

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Nikki-
I think the big thing here is to detach enough to know that whatever happens, you will be ok. There is a master plan at work here. Maybe this has been a wake-up call. But don't stress out worrying about H's plan- it probably changes daily. And you can't control it anyway so you'll just make yourself stressed. Focus on you or the others around you. Live each day. Life is short, I realize now. I'm not going to take another day for granted. You are going thru this journey for a reason. And some day you will say you wouldn't change it for the world. I feel more alive now than I have in a long time. This sitch has nothing to do w/ your worth, it has to do w/ your growth. You're strong and going to be fine. So take a breath and embrace your life. You are going to be so fantastic- so keep working on you. You'll be untouchable, too.

Thinking of you. Julie

Wow Julie, thank you!!! I so needed to hear every word of what you wrote. I’m printing this out to paste or copy into my journal.

It’s absolutely been a wake up call and the jump start I needed to fix a lot of things that have been wrong in my own life. Deep breaths… I know. Thank you again.

This is a quick cross-post to something I posted in the D'd but not done section too - just to see if you guys have any feedback also.

If you've been through a D or know someone who has - roughly how many attorney hours were required for a fairly simple D? (mostly amicable, no kids, but assets to split up)

As you know I’m still fighting for my M, but also trying to keep my eyes open. I just found out that through my work, I can sign up for a prepaid legal plan and I’m wondering if I should. This is in addition to the free 1 hour consult that I'm using to ask my separation questions.

I’m trying to decide if I should sign up and if so, which plan to get. In both cases it wouldn’t be “covered” for D until I’ve been enrolled for 6 months, so it may make sense to sign up now. Here are my choices:

Option 1: $17 per month, covers 23 hours per person or 100 hours per family per year.
Option 2: $24 per month, covers 46 hours per person or 200 hours per family, per year.

In both cases I’d also get a 25% discount for hours beyond what the plan covers.

I don’t want to jump the gun, but it seems like this would be smart. If nothing else I can use it later to put together a will, power of attorney, and that kind of estate planning stuff that I’ve been putting off. And if the worst happens with the D, it seems like this would be far less expensive.

Any thoughts on which plan, or if I should take advantage of this at all?

Thanks!