Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy Confront her - Part II - The Bomb drops

Hi Whatisis,

Yeah, similar thoughts have been going through my head also - either one or the other of us has to move/change somehow. In my case I think this might take the form of a confrontation about the affair, asking her how she thinks it makes me feel, and what she would do in my shoes... then suggesting she think about a trial separation, where she moves out, so that she can experience what a D would mean. Yes, the kids are very important to me too (there is a book about how to divorce decently, btw, I'll see if I can find the title for you), made more complicated for me by my wanting to move back to the US and W wanting to stay here.
I am interested in how your sitch evolves (thinking "you first"...)
I leave in two weeks for two weeks again, and W has been asking if I have flight details; wonder if this means the OM is coming here...
W and I each took a Meyer-Briggs personality test, which I thought might give me insight into what she needs. She is ENFP and I am INTJ. Interestingly one website mentions that exactly these two types are attracted to each other. I glean from the same site that she needs excitement, feeling, emotions, which I shy away from...

Gotta run -
Good luck to you -

Luke

To you, my dearest,

How do you think it makes me feel?

o Finding a note to your lover,
o 1000 nights alone, featuing the nightly, painfally awake, 3-4am heartache hour
o Sotto voce phone calls on your inseparable cell,
o Being told that it is over and that you don’t want to work on it.

Analysis: irreconcilable differences: your open marriage ideas colliding with my understanding thereof, leading to despair, divorce and destruction.

Conclusion: my trust in you is lost, so a retroactive separation of goods shall be put in effect, a trial living apart, with you moving out, shall start, potentially followed by divorce.

Can you think of a different conclusion? Our current situation is unacceptable to me and I will not love another until we are divorced.

With love, still, in spite of all the pain,

your Luke

Luke,
Here are two web sites you might want to check out. Both are practising Solution Focused therapists in Sweden. It really might help to go over your options with someone. Try fkc.se/ and sikt.nu. Hope this helps, they may be able to give you other names too. Take care

ola whatisis,

Thanks very much for the two links. I've called fkc (they are nearer than the other place) and should have an appointment with them next week. It would be much better to rescue this M than to break it, and so I'll give this a shot.

On a different note, my trip to the states got moved to a week later, which my W doesn't like. She wants to go down to Germany again (to OM?) when I am back and this only delays that. She also thought it would be okay for me to be gone for 3 weeks, which seems very long to me, plus it would drive me crazy not to be able to see the kids for that long. I can see that being without me here would be less stressful for my W than with me, but 3 weeks!

We had an emotionally lacerating day yesterday, with no fight or anything, but my wife played her music in the next room, singing along with it, so I put on my headphones and was in my own world. It was hard to communicate all day, and our planned movie viewing last night fell flat when she went to bed early instead. Odd how just being together can be so stressful...

It sure would be great to resolve or at least make clear something before she goes to Germany again - for example that her affair hurts me and is driving me to think of asking her to leave -

Here is an interesting quote from a website on Jung personality type (I am INTJ, my wife is ENFP):
The INTJ "scientist" is also attracted to the ENFP "journalist," probably because of the enthusiastic, effervescent, and apparently spontaneous enjoyment and wonderment this type exudes-the very antitheses of the careful, thoughtful exactitude of the INTJ. (see http://www.geocities.com/lifexplore/enfp.htm for more. See http://similarminds.com/myers-briggs-jung.html for the test itself).

Anyway, thanks again, it was very kind of you to look up the links -

Best -

Luke

Hi again,

Another bomb announced last night, with both kids sleeping at friends, this time that she plans to move out over the next 6 months, to her own place. Also again that it was over between us and that she had made the wrong choice of mate and that one of her girlfriends said she had never seen two more different people than she and I.

I told her that she should do what she needed to do, that I was going to see a counselor on Wednesday and didn't she want to come with (no she didn't - what use would a counselor be as there was no point in fixing our M), that I really wanted to be the man she needs, that wouldnt' she tell me what she needs (no, she wouldn't).

I will tell her when she wakes up (it is 4 am now) that I need papers signed before I will see anyone else, that I believe she is having an affair, which hurts me and makes me mad and physically sick when I hear her talking on the phone with this slime, that OM is a s--t for takign her from me, that we won't be able to spend vacations together anymore (she wanted to have as normal a life together for the kids sake, but this has limits when you are D!), that my kindness has an end somewhere and I won't turn the other cheek anymore at some point, and that I am playing with the idea of complete physical separation, never seeing her again, this to produce complete certainty for me.

At some point I don't want this halfway stuff anymore (can you imagine her working in the garden here when we are D? she wants to keep the house).

Protecting the children was the only thing we solidly agreed on.

I may finally see a friend and talk about this (he has marital troubles of his own and talked to me about his; I have never talked to a friend here about my problems). Not sure whether that then sanctions the end.

anyway, lousy news, please think of me,

not so lucky, Luke (unable to sleep, in spite of a sleeping pill)

Luke, you've been at this a long time. I hope no matter what, you finally find peace. I know it must seem like bad news to you, but from a bystander's perspective, it might just be a blessing in disguise for you.

Hi Astimegoeson,

Thanks for the thought - it made me feel better - yes, some peace would be nice to have.

Told W my five points this morning, saying they were all expressions of my love for her:

Paper - i would like a formal divorce paper before I see someone new, also good for legal cleanliness. W does not think this important - "an agreement between ourselves is just as good" - but I want no legal problems that might arise.
Affair - told her i think she is having an affair, judging from her secret phone calls, and that this is the worst sort of violation I can imagine; that the vision of OM dead wasn't unpleasant to me
Vacation - W wants to take vacations together for the kids sake, and hide the state of things from my parents (who she thinks would be hurt by knowing), who she wants to visit this summer; I told her that vacations together might be difficult for me
Kindness - I told her my kindness had a limit somewhere, though I was not sure where this is, and that at some point it would stop. She said she wants me to be myself (I am basically a kind, patient person) even if I am not kind to her.
Separation - I told her that a clean, never see you again separation was attractive to me, as then things are clear. She said that life isn't like that, that you have to go on suffering, that it is messy.

We then had an okay breakfast together - hate the idea of her no longer being there in the morning, even with things as they are -

Luke

ps. dinner with friends tonight, and scrabble. A mutual 12 year old friend of the kids coming over this afternoon, also to spend the night, with her cats.

Hi again (please see previous post, Astimegoeson, this is just an addon),

Does talking to a friend about your relationship problems, and my W would know I was doing this, somehow sanction/approve of the problems? I don't want to legitimize them by having knowledge of them spread and hence make them okay.

Grateful for any pointers -

a confused Luke

Not exactly sure what you mean by "legitimize them by having knowledge of them spread", but it's always better to keep relationship problems like this as confidential as possible. Everyone knows there's always two sides to a divorce/breakup. There's no sense in trying to make the other person look bad or try to convey yourself as the "victim". That makes the possibility of reconciliation more complicated and at the very least can damage your integrity.

Hi Astimegoeson,

Wow - you are up early -

What I meant was that I haven't talked to any friends here about our M problems. I thought it might be good to bend a sympathetic male friends's ear, but this is a guy whose wife is a friend of my W's, so that the knowledge of our problems would spread to my W's friend also, and then via this spreading, more people would know "Luke and his W are having problems", and so it becomes accepted fact and the social stigma would be removed and it would be okay to D.

Maybe it would be better to wait for the private counselor on Wednesday - I don't need to share with a friend - you are right -

Thanks for your thoughts -

Luke