Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy Confront her - Part II - The Bomb drops

I'm up early because I'm working the night shift for a few more weeks. I've been up all night, which is my day. This morning is my late afternoon. The ol body clock is definitely confused.

I understand your need to vent with a male friend, but try and keep it between you and the councilor for now, it's best. Of course, you always have this board to vent and nobody is going to understand your issues better than those on here.

Hi Astimegoeson,

Yeah, I know the mixed up body clock feeling - the company I work for is in LA, but I live here in Sweden, and every time I go over, it is a solid week of jet lag, on each end. That may change though, as I may be offered a job in Germany and have an open offer in Boston, so we'll see.

Those new job situations would make a D more complicated of course, but it feels like my current job is winding down, so I don't know. I told my W about them.

Yes, I will keep things between the councilor and myself.

Just had lunch with wife, and felt pretty depressed. Not sure if I should show my feelings (pretty darn hurt) or hide them - I understand that a bright peppy exterior makes me more attractive though. Didn't look at her. Crappy when the only love and physical affection you get is from your 8 your old daughter.

Also, my W wants to keep the house here, is even fixing it up more - am not sure how a moved-out to a place of her own W would fit into the picture then. It seems so much cleaner and simpler to see her as little as possible if she does move out.

Kids are coming home in a bit - must perk up and hide the pain -. Do I have to have a happy exterior all the time now, until W actually leaves me?

Get some sleep -

Luke

I went weeks sometimes without seeing my W and it really helped me to move on. I still go weeks without seeing her, but when I do see her, It doesn't stir as much passion as it did a year or so ago. I don't need to hide my emotions around her because they are naturally tempered now. I can act "as if" with no problem because it's actually how I feel.

It's easy for me because I can pick up my boys at day care or school on Friday and drop them off Monday morning after having them over the weekend. I don't really have a need to see her or talk to her for that matter.

I guess if your still employing DB principals you would want to continue to show "happy exterior", but when W leaves and some time passes, you won't have to fake it anymore, you will be happy eventually.

I think what's eaten away at you is the duration of your marriage problems. 3 years is a long time to live with somebody who your in love with, but who doesn't love you in return. The A adds insult to injury. I can't honestly understand how you remained sane for as long as you have, your endurance for pain is incredible.

I look at last night's "I am going to move out" bomb as pretty much the last one, and my last chance. My marriage is very important to me - still - and I will make my best effort in the time remaining. That will mean becoming more sociable (maybe the counselor will have suggestions for how to do this), fighting back (I have swallowed my pain and anger for too a long time) when called for, and maybe being critical of her also (she puts a lot of weight on learning in life and maybe good criticism will teach her something).

We took the meyer-brigg's personality test and she is type ENFP and I am INTJ, with the biggest different on the I and E. We weirdly meet the description of who typically is these types right on the nose: she is a designer and I am an engineer. So it seems I should ask the counselor how to better match her personality type.

She puts great stock in how the house looks - just made me a japanese screen to block out light from my window - and so I will work on this too - just washed the wooden stairs on hands and knees.

It seems the key is understanding what she needs - even though she wouldn't tell me last night - and trying to become that person.

By the way, she meets the description of a WAW on the main DB page to a T - maybe there is something to exploit there also.

Yeah, I am able to suffer for a long time - not sure that is good -

Thanks again for your thoughts -

Luke

Luke,
So sorry to hear about bomb #4 (that puts you one up on me now!). But keep in mind that she SAYS she wants to move out in the next six months, she hasn't done so yet. That gives you time to see the counsellor, put a plan of action in place and start working at it. Also, even if she does move out that doesn't necessarily end things, you just DB from a different position. I know it all seems so bleak right now, and it may well be, but remember things can and do change, sometimes for the better. Don't give up yet! I'd put off any letter writing etc until you've had time to process this latest crap and have seen the counsellor. Wow, how much sh!t is on guy supposed to take! I know.

Hi whatisis (great name, by the way),

Thanks for the encouraging words - yeah, feelings and actions don't have to be the same, and I still have time, and now will soon have a counselor for more relation fixing horsepower. I really look forward to more concrete things to work on - the counselor seems like a lifeline just now.

Yeah, we do have to take a lot of s--t, the worst being that she now never touches me or shows affection... She has also been playing and singing to songs with words like "baby, baby, i'm leaving, i'm leaving you today...", painful stuff to hear, but maybe necessary psychological process for her. I just close her door and go some place far away in the house so I don't have to hear this depressing junk.

It seems like space, humor (what do you call a hangover? the wrath of grapes...) and no relationship talk are what is called for now )hope she doesn't ask about what the counselor and I talked about). I have a few business trips coming up which might help, and will be gone a total of three weeks, will be interesting to see if she sends email then (her first mails often signed off with the word 'love') this time. Following that is a vacation week here - hmm - hope she doesnt' want to go to Germany and OM then.

She wants to keep the house, still take vacations together, maintain our friends network, not tell my parents about our troubles - divorced but not divorced - the best of both worlds. Astimegoeson comment about not seeing his wife for weeks did sound like pressure would be removed, but my wife's way would keep the wound open, it seems to me. It would be nice to have some peace again, be it with or without my W; this not knowing is tough.

Anyway - thanks for helping - hope you can maintain your PMA also -

Best - Luke (from a finally wintery Sweden)

Hi Luke,
My W just refused to go to counselling with me too! Small world! She says "Why do we always have to know where we're going?", this from the woman who practically schedules her washroom trips! Oh well, hang in Luke. Talk to you soon.

Hi whatisis,

wow, it seems we may be able to help each other here, as my W would probably agree with your W's sentiment! My W also has lots of pride and hence issues with seeing a C, as well as saying "it can't help anyway". Now we just need to get good action plans set up and do them - big time - to surprise the skeptical spouses. As long as we don't have to spill the beans on what the C says, I think we have a chance.

Keep the faith, friend -

Luke