Blogging - had a nice dinner and movie last night, with the kids and a friend of my daughter. Back home, and to work for a good hour, finish it, and then go up, wife is reading (I ask what and how it is, get the reply "kite runner, pretty good, a page turner"), I go to my bed and read a bit, no more talking with the wife, and fall asleep. Odd how a good time at the movie just dies later with no communication and us in separate beds in separate rooms.
Started looking for counselors - not sure if psychiatrists are what is needed - need to call around and interview a bunch of candidates.
Night - Saint Lucia's day -
Luke
M58, xW54 S22, D18 M 1984, D 2016 Living a new life.
Don't get too distressed...look up psychologists in your phone book. Call as many as you need to, ask them if they are a solution-based counselor and are they pro-marriage. If you find one, please make an appointment...asap. You really need to talk to a professional.
Don't set any boundaries at all...my bet is that your W is more unhappy about her career and herself - than whether or not you are strong enough...IMHO.
Please call someone, you really can't afford to wait...
LL, most psychiatrists have little experience and training in counselling. In fact, in my country at least, there are no requirements that they have any education in counselling. They are trained to dispense medications for mental illnesses. There are exceptions, of course but I would go with a Psychologist or Marriage Counsellor if possible.
Thanks for your concern and advice. Yes, I was having a particularly bad time a few days ago and so was really gladdened by your posts -.
I have identified a number of possible counselors, mostly in a nearby town (20 miles away; Sweden is sparsely populated), but also one here in town. Here are some questions I thought to ask them:
o do you believe in marriage? (Swedes try to make divorce painless, fair, and socially normal - "part of life") o how do you treat marriage problems? (I am an engineer and would like a concrete answer) o name a study or two about treating relationship problems that might be relevant (does this person know their stuff?) o do you need/want both of us there? o can this be done by phone?
Is there something else you can think of to ask?
A difficult thing just now is to continue DBing. Sure, I can be pleasant enough and have lunch/talk with W, but the recently dropped bomb sure undermines my motivation. Just last night I dreamed that W was holding another man's hand with me there, I said that I would not accept that, W said she didn't care and that this corner of the bookstore was really private and that they could "really enjoy themselves". I stormed out and woke up - . Hopefully this was only my subconscious working out stress...
Anyway, I need to bite the bullet and call these counselors (am somewhat reluctant, pride, privacy, etc.). If W asks where I am going, I will say it is private.
Partly blue sky here, low medium gray clouds scudding over the lake, grass still green,
Luke
M58, xW54 S22, D18 M 1984, D 2016 Living a new life.
It is highly understood that you would feel unmotivated, who wouldn't?
Yes, just be pleasant for now, until you get an appt with a counselor. Do ask if he/she are solution-based in their approach...otherwise you'll be there until the C's grandkids are in college, plus paying their tuition.
You want one that is "pro marriage".
I don't know if they would do it over the phone...they need to be able to "read" your expressions to specific questions that they ask.
Call around...see when you can get an appt. soon...
Thanks for thinking of me. Saw that your sitch is in progress - I admire you for sticking with it - good luck.
I have an appointment with a counselor tomorrow, and am trying to set up another. This first appointment will be more about them than me - want to find the right person.
Yes, I think you are right that a professional is needed now - I feel stuck for the moment and need a new input. Our marriage is in stasis - no change on her side and I cant' think of what to do on mine.
Worst case would be her somehow finding a way ('got to go on a business trip to Germany' or to have OM up here over the holidays, and she sneaks off to see him under some guise) to see OM - don't know what I would do then. At least we are at a stable, though admittedly low, point. I do get to see her most every meal, and we work at home together, and Christmas is coming up, so access is there and I might be able to make something of it.
Presumably the real counselling will first start after Christmas vacation - most everyone is off here then and I don't want to run out when the kids are at home ("where are you going, Dad?"). Will hopefully see a bunch of family friends over the holidays and get to Stockholm for culture and food.
I'll let you know how the meeting goes tomorrow -
Most obliged -
Luke
M58, xW54 S22, D18 M 1984, D 2016 Living a new life.
I would suggest to you that you continue on the same road as before...attentive, listening, helping etc., so you can at least prevent a possible "trip" or outing on her part. That way, she would think about you.
Yes, it's time to seek professional help b/c everyone here means well and is truly concerned, but, this goes pretty deep and in my opinion, a professional will be able to talk to you one-on-one and really plan a counter-attack that would be more effective.
How is her demeanor lately? The same, or more quiet?
Hey, how cold is it there? How cold would it be in Germany now?
Good to hear from you - thanks. I am all right, "hangin' in there" as I guy I used to work with used to say. It'll be interesting to see the counselor this afternoon and see if this changes things. It'll be also be interesting to see if the counselor feels we both need to be there, something I think my W would dislike (she is a proud person, sometimes comes off as arrogant even).
Yes, I agree that I should continue to be a good person for the moment, though I have often thought that I should not be sometimes (she said that I never fight back, that I am not strong enough), that being mad would be a 180 for me and surprise her. But yes, guilt and non-negative memories of her time with me will hopefully be constraints on her behavior over the holidays.
One thing that bugs me is her constantly having her cell phone with her, and getting messages she doesn't talk much about. The cell phone appears to be the channel of communication of choice with OM (came across her talking a few times in a shed outdoors, at which point she hardly says anything, and is soon done), a kind of electronic violation of our marriage. I don't spy on her, mind you, but wonder if I can trust her when she takes the phone to (her) bed.
Perhaps this is just paranoia...
Anyway - counselor in a few hours - will update you - W only knows i have something secret to do in the next town (need the car to get there) - Christmas as a cover story -
Lovely day here, just over freezing, clean white on the ground, soon the sun will start coming up earlier than 830 again -
Luke
M58, xW54 S22, D18 M 1984, D 2016 Living a new life.
