Thanks. I've been blessed beyond what I really thought was possible.
I don't think I'd be where I'm at right now if it, ironically, weren't for my W. She's been wonderful...almost TOO good, which I think is one of the reasons I tended to hit those cheeseless tunnels pretty hard myself. I figured I was getting shined-on.
At this point, I'm convinced I'm not...though at this point, even if I were, I think (think) I'd handle it well.
One thing I decided lately is that the 180s ought to continue. Got to comparing it with work. In my work I have to learn new stuff all the time to be competitive, to grow, and just keep improving on the quality of what I do, which means looking for challenges as well. So why should my R with my W be any different?
So I decided that every 3 or 4 months I'm going to find something new and we're going to do it (with her approval, of course).
root hit on something one day about how romantic my wife really is, deep down, something I always kinda knew, but dismissed.
Well...I decided that she needs to be fed some of that to be happy, so for the first quarter of 2007 I signed us up for ballroom dancing classes in January. She seemed to really like the idea, though she said, "I'm not a very good dancer."
To which I replied, "Baby, in my arms you'll look like Ginger Rogers...and, hopefully, not Mr. Rogers"
Course, except in the woods or on the baseball field I'm pretty dang clumsy myself, not a good dancer at all, but I figured if I can PMA my way into a better marriage given the crap we've put ourselves through, a little dancing with my W ought to be a piece of cake.
Besides, this is good old touchy-feely dancing so I get to hold her the whole time
You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means. -- Inigo Montoya, 'The Princess Bride'
Got a little ahead of myself. Things were going so good I thought they were better than they were...not that they aren't really good. But the ain't quite what I thought, either.
Never ASSume, Clarice
We ended up having a little talk where I once again heard something along the lines of, "I'm not attracted to you but it's getting better."
If you ladies, or anyone, can explain what the hell that means I sure would appreciate it. Cause I have no clue.
So I said, "Well, that hurts a little, and I sure feel foolish at this point coming on to someone who doesn't really want it. I mean, while I'd be happy with more sex, I don't really feel like I need it so much right now as I want to enjoy being close to you, want to feel close to you, but it makes me feel kinda foolish to think I'm laying there believing we're sharing the same experience when we're not."
So she nods and says, "I understand."
So I went to work. In the past that would have really sent me into major disappointment, but I'm cool.
The great part is, I'm not in bondage to that stuff anymore!
I don't like it. Probably didn't handle that correctly, probably didn't even need to be said at all, but I really could care less. May have to dial things down a couple notches for a while though...I've been laying it on pretty heavy with her lately and, well, I just don't like feeling foolish.
But no matter. I'm starting to see this more as an ebb and flow marriage kind of thing, something natural that will be worked out over the long haul, rather than a crisis that could throw us all into the pit of despair.
Onward and upward no matter what.
You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means. -- Inigo Montoya, 'The Princess Bride'
OK maybe I can shed some light on this. I know exactly how your wife feels.
Whatever you did to attract her to you while you were dating/courting/woo-ing isn't happening anymore.
She's feeling that something is missing. Whether it's fun stuff done together, relaxing...... whatever it was, it's not there anymore.
She may also feel like she shouldn't have to tell you what is missing, since she didn't tell you what to do to attract her in the first place.
Do you remember that person? Do you remember what you used to do to get her to go on dates with you?
And yes it hurts you, but I can guarentee it hurts her more that you aren't making an effort to be "attractive" to her anymore.
You need to figure it out. She said it's getting better, so you may be on your way. Just think back to when you were dating and pretend you're single she is the you want to date. Then set out to get her to date you.
I've been doing all that, and she has commented several times how I'm a lot like I was when we met...only better since the negative behaviors are (mostly) dealt with and gone.
When I ask her what's missing, she says, "The sexual attraction, but that's getting better."
We've really been having the time of our life for the past month or so. We go out once or twice a week. Play sports together; work out together; work on projects at home together; cook together. It's always fun and, really, even better than it ever has been.
It may just be a matter of enough time not having passed.
You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means. -- Inigo Montoya, 'The Princess Bride'
TL, It was good that she felt safe enough to disclose that; it was equally good that you didn't personalize it. She may miss those " in love" feelings, but she's willing to stay the course...and with you doing your part, the two of you may be headed ( eventually) to something way better than early infatuation. I believe it will develop when you least expect it.
Quote: It may just be a matter of enough time not having passed.
I think you probably just stubbed your toe on it right there. They seem like long months, but in the grand scheme of things, it hasn't been very long. Chin up!
Been away for a while. Had some good alone time with the W over the holidays. A couple times where we had the house to ourselves for 3-4 days while the kids visited grandparents.
We did a lot of nice things for each other and had a good time christmas shopping together. Enjoyed wrapping presents together....also had a good time unwrapping presents together
In fact, there was almost as much unwrapping going on as there was wrapping
Interestingly, though, just because things get really good doesn't mean the old bad stuff just disappears. It rears its ugly head every now and then and it's good to know how to handle it. Like I said, the good stuff doesn't eliminate the bad stuff but it makes the bad stuff look smaller and less important, and also provides some serious motivation to keep to the high road.
We've made so much progress that we don't want to do anything to mess it up. We've just had to pay such a high price to get here, had some really tough spots, that it's just too important to blow.
Six months ago this marriage was dead in the water. Right now it's better than it's ever been. Considering our sitch and our past, I don't think it could be better right now.
It ain't perfect but nothing is. However, all things considered, looking at the effects on my children, on our family, and even if I don't factor in my belief that divorce is as wrong as adultery is, I don't think things would be better if we had divorced and gotten married again. Sure, the sex and affection part might be easier, but everything else would be more difficult, particularly for the kids.
There's way more to love and marriage than I ever really knew, even though I always knew it was as much or more about commitment and choices than about feelings. It's about all that stuff, of course, but those things change so much over time and I think people often give up before they've taken the time to find all that out.
It definitely takes two, but if those two are willing, then things can get to be better and sweeter than those two thought possible. It's a shame that there's often such a high price to pay to get there.
You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means. -- Inigo Montoya, 'The Princess Bride'
Wow toughlover - sounds like you two have finally got to the right side of the street - I envy you
We are piecing but seems like the pain will never end but I hope to one day be where you are - in a better R than the last one was. What we had is over, I have to get used to that. What the future holds is unknown but I hope to make it a better, happier place than where I am now
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
Hey stranger!! glad to see you and glad to hear you guys are doing so great, same here, I couldn't have said it better:
Quote: Six months ago this marriage was dead in the water. Right now it's better than it's ever been. Considering our sitch and our past, I don't think it could be better right now.
I can't believe how much things have changed, my dh is so good to me, hugs me and appoligizes if he gets too excited, doesnt' want us to go to sleep upset, it's unbelievable! We did have one of those "talks" but actually things cleared up a bit more and there was no resentment left as before.
I actually try to come here less and less though, sometimes reading new posts remind me of things that *gasp* i'm actually putting behind me!! the ow thoughts dont' take over my mind anymore.
To those of you who dont' seem to believe it is going to get better, stay still and wait, it will come, I also despaired so many times, but now it's here and I can't wait to see my dh every day and show him he means so much to me.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
