Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Piecing Our Marriage Back Together Again All I Want for Christmas...

...I already have, and I cannot hardly believe it. I'm almost afraid to believe it...but I've learned that it's worse to NOT believe it. Or, as someone once said, Sometimes the riskiest action is to play it too safe.

I had finally started doing most everything right except every few days i'd get frustrated, dwell on it, and let it drag me down...and I'd either say something about it to W or it would just get obvious by my mood. So after we had such a great Thanksgiving, I got to where I just saw we had both put too much into this to keep allowing it to drag me back down...so I posted my frustrations here, was diligent about praying about it, did anything but talk about it with W at all. Not only did that seem to help keep things on the high road but she even got to where she'd bring things up and talk about them with me.

There have been a lot of subtle changes taking place the last couple weeks, baby steps you might say, if you blink you'd miss em...I guess I sensed them and knew it was positive but couldn't quite figure it out. In hindsight I think it's a little clearer.

We're really starting to connect again. We're finally becoming truly intimate with each other. No huge fireworks or anything, but something better than I've ever had and I suspect better than she has, too. It's mainly in the way she looks at me, in her eyes, in the way she talks to me and touches me now. There's something different and new. And she's seeing the changes in me, and also in our boys, and the fact that this is something we had clearly both decided wasn't likely to happen between us is amazing to me.

When I first posted here back in the summer, a bunch of folks who knew what they were talking about told me they saw "a lot of positives" in my sitch, but I just couldn't see it at first. Then I began to see it and believe it, and DO it, more or less.

But back then, I didn't think things would be this good by this time next year, much less now. Back then she was on the verge of divorce, was miserable for ending it with the OM, agreed to recommit but didn't really want to and didn't think it was going to work anyhow, sort of did it on blind faith on her part.

But she saw me doing the work and she did it too.

It's been rough and we're not where we want to be yet, but, dang, we're pretty happy with where we're at. She's getting more loving and affectionate with me every day now...I feel like I've stepped through the looking glass or something. I mean, we've NEVER been like this, had it even this good.

Went home for lunch today, some things happened , and I don't think I could've scripted this any better. Everything about how we've been with each other the last week or so has been exactly what I've wanted for years now.

And the thing is, everything just seems so simple and natural now, it's almost deceptive because we've been working damned hard these last few months it doesn't seem like it should be so easy now, but it is.

I don't mean to pretend things're perfect. I've still got things that pop up from time to time that bother me, but those times are getting to be fewer and fewer already and the impact isn't as great. We haven't had any squabbles since just before Thanksgiving and we somehow resolved that pretty quickly. Lately life has just been, well, really good!

I hope it lasts. I hope it does nothing but get better from here on out. I never thought I'd be posting this. I was a complete mess back in the summer. Everything felt hopeless then.

I guess things could still tank, but even if they do, I kind of feel like I'd be really disappointed, and hurt, but I'd maintain control of myself and my actions, and be able to keep on the road I'm on without worrying about it too much.

It's been a long time since I've been able to think that or be that.

I realize this is a journey not a destination, but we're finally journeying through some pretty country. I can't say "this divorce is busted"...won't say that, because at any time either of us could choose to blow it, but while we have some areas that need a little more growth than others, at this point is simply a matter of degree, of strengthening, and always growing....individually and together.

Anyhow, I wanted to post this because I should be around another week or two but then am taking as much vacation time as they'll let me use in order to be with the kids over their holiday break...so if I disappear for a while it's mosst likely not because anything bad happened, but because things are most likely so good (or busy) that I just don't have time to get online.

TL, I could have posted that almost word for word. Wow, first the crap we go through is pretty universal and then once we get to this point, I guess the "universals" just keep comming.

I am really happy for you and share your wonder at how we got here. I know we put in the work, but to be in such dark places over the past year and come out the other side in THIS place, this wonderful and strange place...well, it's just amazing to be sure.

Thanks for the great post.

GH

Cool...thanks...reading about your threads and struggles has helped the most mainly because by the time I truly realized the crisis I was in, we'd already lived through the hardest part...I was just in a fog the last couple of years and didn't realize it due to traveling and whatnot. Seeing how everything unfolded in your sitch, and with your knowledge even, and how you ended up responding, and how it helped you, first and foremost, then spread out from there just made a huge difference for me. Can't thank you enough for being willing to share that stuff.

I've also really appreciated cat and root just being nice to me. Believe me, ladies, I'd send flowers if I could

The truth is I was (emotionally) a walkaway spouse before my wife was. She wasn't that great, but I was worse. We struggled with this for a few years now without me realizing the depth of the problem. I'm not arrogant or naiive enough to believe everything is 100% perfect, cause that ain't happening anyway, but I know we've paid a high price to get where we're at and I just can't see us throwing it away cause it just cost too damn much.

This site and the people here really helped me to focus and impose some order on the chaos I was experiencing when I started here. Things may have worked out anyway but I'm convinced that doing much of what I learned here, in the books, and elsewhere helped me eliminate many of the mistakes and give things the best chance for getting better sooner.

You are welcome! and I also would like to thank you for "talking" sense into me when I needed it, either your posts to me or to others, you have helped me like you have no idea

I'm very glad you are happy, even in a "normal" marriage there is always some sort of conflict. Our Ms are so much more precious to us all now. I also have what I really want for Christmas too

You have a blast w/the family, my H will be coming home in 2wks too and prob I wont post that much either.

Have a good week TL

TL,
I am so happy for you. I believe this site and the many wonderful people on it has really benefitted all of us!!!

Didn't think I'd get tested so soon after posting. Should've known better

We went to a birthday party last night at a neighbor's house, nothing major. One of our rituals is that a couple nights a week, I pull out the lotion and give the W a good foot rub, mainly on days when she works since she's on her feet all day. This was probably the first nice thing I started doing for her back when we began this mess, so it's got a lot of significance.

Anyhow, after I finished we were talking about stuff and kidding around and I just about called her "baby" but caught myself, and went silent. Now that's a big deal because back in the summer she asked me to quit using those kinds of names with her because it made her "feel wierd" whatever that means.

The fact that I caught myself and "couldn't" use a word like that threw me into a serious dark hole. How can things be normal and as good as I think if I can't use those terms with my W?

Well, a few weeks ago I'd have brought that up and told her about it, and we would have ended up with a little trouble on our hands. Instead, I fought to keep it in (it was touch and go there for a while), and she was getting sleepy, so I managed to let it go. Watched tv for a little while and went to sleep myself after getting the kids tucked in.

But that's how this stuff seems to go. It wasn't so much that I could or couldn't use the term (I can now, do it all the time in fact, and I often realize I just said it after the fact, and don't let it bother me). The problem was that it's still ingrained in me to NOT do it, and stuff like that (residuals, i call them) ends up being a trigger into the dark spirals we're all familiar with.

Of course this morning everything was good. We saw the kids off to school (they both walk), had our usual morning routine (coffee, get back in bed and snuggle/talk, pray for the kids, friends, and family), then I showered and went on to work. All being as good as it gets right now.

In the past I would have sat here kicking myself for raising a ruckus over the past (for the umpteempth time) because (as I used to say) 'we shouldn't even be in this position where we have to get over this kind of crap blah blah blah'.

This morning I'm still a bit queasy over the past, but I had a good morning with my W, and started the day off right.

A small but important victory, cause if you can do it once, you can do it twice, three times, etc.

Is there any term of endearment she might be comfortable with?

I'd try not to take it too personally. I remember family members being put-off when my daughter was a little girl and didn't like to be touched. They'd want to hug her and I'd have to explain she didn't like hugs, but a handshake would be fine. I'd have to explain that it wasn't a personal thing, it's just the way she is.

So, just like my daughter could do handshakes, maybe there's an endearment your wife might feel comfortable with. (By the way, over the years my daughter has become more comfortable with hugs. Your wife may in time become comfortable with endearments too. That might be something to explore together...).

Hey root...she's fine with it now. I used to say that stuff all the time in the old days. It was just during that transitional period this summer when things were rough and I would say it automatically.

My problem the other night was that I still have that built-in mechanism catching myself before I do that stuff, which in itself is a reminder of all the bad. I never realized, really, how tough this stuff was/is.

But no worries! I carried it off without a hitch and we're still doin' great!

Glad to hear that!!!!

I guess you'll just have to practice saying them more so that built-in mechanism that stops you goes away.