Thanks for the replies. As usual, the better healthier part of me wins out (or the impatient part depending upon how you look at it). Here's what happened - DD9 asked to have a friend spend the night and so H says to DD2 (who wanted to sleep with the big girls) - "Oh honey, you can sleep with Daddy and Mommy." DS15 was sleeping at someone else's house and my jaw hits the ground with a "Whaaaaaaaaat???" sort of feeling. Well, got the girls settled in with popcorn and a movie and said to H, "Uh, how are we ever to end the 2 month drought if you offer to have DD2 sleep with us?" He makes some stupid reply like, "Well, you're the one who allowed a sleepover." I, of course, pointed out that having a kid sleepover has nothing to do with whether or not we have sex. Then, I got smart and cracked a joke - I said H, right now my breasts are still bigger than my belly and in a few weeks that won't be the case - now would be a good time to take advantage of that. He laughed and when bedtime rolled around he moved DD2 to her own bed. Then (as luck would have it) we were well into the foreplay portion of the evening and there is a knock on the bedroom door..."Mom, so and so has a nosebleed." I took care of it as quickly as possible and got back in there and got things started again with H - sort of wrecked the experience a bit and I didn't "o" but that wasn't as much my goal as reconnecting with H and re-starting our SL. H is now limping around and saying his hip hurts after last night's efforts. I'm now gonna let a day or two pass and then offer something with no hip action whatsoever - his and hers oral or manual stimulation or something thereabouts.
HP,
Funny story about babypot. DD2 has been going to the potty for months now but didn't care about putting on the big girl undies until the last few days. She has had one accident but all-in-all not bad. The girls have been MUCH easier than DS was to potty train. Now, if I could just talk her out of that pacifier before the baby comes!
LP,
After Christmas sales are a great time to get some new big girl panties!
Funny, my friend uses that expression a lot, when she talks about needing to do something mature, responsible, etc. ( I have to put on my big girl panties).
Karen, I am happy you both got it together to break the ice...I hope you can keep some momentum going.
Well - ya never know. H actually registered us for a two night couples massage class in March. Hhhhmmmmmmmmm.
We have another expression at work. The dress code is pretty casual but once in a while we need to wear a suit or something dressier - we call it "wearing big girl clothes." Clothes/panties - it all works!
Happy New Year to all. I rang it in by myself - DS15 was spending the night with a friend, DD9 was spending the night too, DD2 was in bed and DH went to bed (his tendonitis is worse, not better and he had trouble sleeping every single night). We ML once during the hoidays and were interrupted by 9yr old girls and the whole deal aggravated his hip and then the dishwasher crapped out - H went out and purchased a new one and the installation also aggravated the hip. So.... H went to bed early at about 11 on New Years and me and baby to be watched the ball drop. I'm alone so little in life that it was really very nice.
I kept thinking about trying to address this whole thing with H in the spirit of New Year/new us. I didn't because I recognized that perhaps in his own way he is trying - he really did a lot for the family over the holiday, he didn't even consider fighting with the dishwasher, just put in a new one knowing that neither of us had time to take off work to mess with a repair guy for a dishwasher that was on it's way out anyway, he scheduled a two day "couples massage" class in March and he scheduled a couples weekend for us in February. These are all ways that he shows me how he feels. It frustrates the crap out of me but there it is. Sometimes I guess I am just the quintessential female - never satisfied, always grasping , expecting my man to provide more of the emotional support than he is capable of/wants to. The other thing is that I finally recognized that my H seems to be going through some kind of personal thing - the fact that our marriage suffers from an overall shortage of sex has a lot to do with how H copes with life, he has been in shut down mode for a while and I just never seem to recognize it except in retrospect or I do recognize it and think "Yes, but..." What is the answer to all of this? I have no idea but I have acheived a little personal peace about the subject.
I haven't posted because not much seems to be happening. H has tendonitis in his hip that just doesn't seem to be getting any better. He has been to the doc twice. No suggesitons other than - take this anti-inflammatory, don't do anything that hurts (no sex) and here is a 10 day supply of Ambien so you can sleep. He's sleeping but he's still periodically grumpy and rages over nothing. Since we can't "have sex" why be affectionate or think of work arounds? He doesn't care.
I've asked three times for us to set aside time for us to talk (he's avoiding) and I don't really intend to address the sex issue per se but more how I perceive my personal life to be going - in short, my life is radically out of balance. It has become all about work because my agency has grown so much. I love my work but it has started to take over everything and I'm working from home too much. He and I have no life together, I haven't exercised in forever, I haven't done anything to get ready for this baby and I'm exhausted. In the meantime I have watched two people's husbands leave with little explanation leaving behind women who only seem confused. Well, I feel that we are headed somewhere like that if this continues.
The pregnancy is great. The third trimester starts in a week. H has scheduled a week long family vacation an hour and 1/2 from the hospital in my 37th week of pregnancy. He has turned a deaf ear on why this is crazy and why my ob won't want me to - I will be 38 weeks at the end of that week. I just don't care. We will go and I will probably have this baby at a strange hospital with a strange ob. Oh well. I usually have uncomplicated, quick births and frankly, I had never met the first ob that ended up delivering child #1 (he was part of a huge practice). I have given up any control of this. We will resolve the baby's room issue in February which will be plenty of time. We will paint, move DS15, sort the attic stuff, put up a crib and make a list of what to get in March. Then we'll go on a trip at the end of the month and we'll see what happens.
H is out of town for an overnight business trip and has been busily scheduling "couple time" because every time he senses that I am getting ticked about no sex this is what he does. We are going out to dinner this weekend, we have a two night massage class in March, we have a weekend away in February. I guess maybe he might do it for another reason as well (maybe he likes to hang out with me) but it just gets a little fishy that every time I am about to bust with anger/frustration he starts putting dates on a calendar. BTW - those "dates" do not equate with sex in any way, shape or form.
BTW - when I brought up (again) that I needed to have a "personal" conversation with him he offered the dinner out. I said - you know we could just talk here at home and he said (a) he can't concentrate at home, (b)he would rather go out and (c)if we try to do that at home we never will get around to it. Well - he CHOOSES all that. We have a bedroom we can go in and shut the door to talk, he has an office we can shut the door and talk in, we can send the kids to bed at a reasonable d@mn hour and sit in our own living room to talk. He chooses not to engage in the same way he chooses not to have sex. It isn't a priority, it doesn't matter, it is something to do if you have time, if it is convenient and if the planets align to make it so. If it takes all that - why bother?
My energy is flagging, my workload is staggering, I am worn out and worn down. Maybe I should just have this baby then find a lover. Maybe he should too. Maybe he already has. I mean, we are great parents and partners. Maybe we should agree to disagree on this point forever more and pursue whatever makes us each happy. I know I sound like I'm heading down a dangerous road but I feel as if perhaps I need to get my romantic notions out of my head and join reality. I don't want to leave my H. I do want sex. H probably does too but not really from me. The thing is that I don't really have time to manage a lover. He would have to be really low maintenance.
I just started mulling this over when I went into a Panera Bread to get my lunch order picked up and a couple of the men in there looked, smiled, saw I was pregnant and their expression changed from "Hey, baby to Huh, pregnant? I'd do her anyway." IOW - I am not all that hard on the eyes that I should have this difficult of a time getting laid.
Funny that you are thinking this way, Karen. I started a response to cemar's thread about the Deida book, and started on a long analysis of Nopkins' old statement, "An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and a lack of respect."
I'm basically trying to tear it apart. But I got a little carried away (going on three pages so far), and now I have to head out to my therapist appointment.
Just wanted to let you know that there are others who are thinking along the same lines.
Nopkins is 100% correct. I do feel resentment that despite every effort I could come up with H has not budged. I have talked, cried, whined, insisted, suggested compromises, suggested counseling, set goals, backed off, been to counseling (okay, she was crazy, I know that). I do feel entitled to some kind of sex life with someone other than myself, someone who wants to be there. However, I would never have a surreptitious affair because I DO respect H. However, perhaps I am just barking up the wrong tree. Would I HATE it if I knew he was with someone else sexually. Yes, absolutely. I can't MAKE him want to have a sex life with me. As I suggested, who knows, maybe he would want to with someone else. Perhaps I am what is in his way.
Yeah hairy, not proud of this line of thinking but I am just toast.
