Still here...lurking. I will try to post to some of you all tomorrow.
My sitch is fine, not that that's a great thing. Ruts-ville for sure. It's all good though. I lost 7 pounds and am in the best shape of my life right now. I am happy, my W seems happy (well, as much as she ever is) and the kids are great. Not much on the ML front lately but oh well, I am not worried about that.
My new year's resolution was mainly to drop ALL expectations about life and especially my W. So far, so good.
I hope the new year is treating you all well and I will catch up soon!
HAPPY NEW YEAR GH.... I agree with your resolution. I have also decided since the middle of December to start my Resolution and mine is quite the opposite,, as I used to have no expectations and my H was frustrated with this.( as you and I am sooooooooooo grateful sweetie and others here told me USE YOUR VOICE)
I have expectations ( COMPLETE 180 FOR ME) and I have since voiced them and will do so with honesty and humility,, and I will continue to give myself this gift. Thank you GH for being there for me when I sooooooo needed your comfort your wisdom and your kind words.GOD BLESS YOU AND YOUR FAMILY TOO.
I hope your new resolve helps you get the Life and m you deserve , we all just want to be loved and chersished, that is the greatest Gift of all. I wish you every happiness in this world honey you have worked you %^& off now just let go and Let God ,, let go and your rewards will be great .
I have every faith in you that you can do this. All my love and blessings to you GH and may this year be the best you have had in a long time you ,,,deserve it. God bless...
Wow, thanks Ali. You, BI, Mama and a couple others are on my list of people I feel I let down every once in awhile because you help me so much and I usually am at a loss for words in your sitches. Thanks for stopping by and all that good stuff back atcha!
To be clear I like what Ali is saying - Okay, I love what she is saying.
I too had decided to jettison expectations - but only insofar as moving my R from a need to want. With needs, you can become complacent, accepting what you have because you need it - like air. With wants, you shift your paradigm to things you want to actively go after! This perhaps is the trick to piecing - moving to a place of WANT, and what you want from the M/R. So as you put things back together, you hopefully start to communicate the things you want from yourself and your spouse - and you make a plan, together to get there.
Saving a marraige as Michelle describes can be done by one person (we've proved that), growing, maintaining and improving it, that takes a family - working together.
YOU can do this - heck you already have....
Keep up the good work!
Sven
Never sacrifice the great for the good. Sometimes the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair.
Thanks for that Sven. I love your restatement of what Ali said.
Quote: With needs, you can become complacent, accepting what you have because you need it - like air. With wants, you shift your paradigm to things you want to actively go after! This perhaps is the trick to piecing - moving to a place of WANT, and what you want from the M/R. So as you put things back together, you hopefully start to communicate the things you want from yourself and your spouse - and you make a plan, together to get there.
Wonderful. Surely no better words to do this by exist.
GH, if you're about I just wanted to let you know that on Saturday my W left. It is devastating but I just can't watch her other relationship develop at such close quarters. I've tried for 4 months and it's beaten me. I AM devastated but at least I feel that can breathe again. I didn't appreciate the incredible pressure I was living under and I admire your resilience in doing that for way longer than I have.
Thank you for your support over the last few months and if you revisit, I'd still welcome your words of wisdom.
Grasshopper - A friend over on the MLC board has a husband who seems to have "crashed" and is acknowledging the pain he caused over the last 2 years. I have not gotten to that point with my WAW/MLCer and don't know how I can help her..but, I thought I would ask you and Frank_D and AmyC and BrandNewDay (who have all had experience with a returning spouse) to check in on her. Please help Hopefloats! Thanks!
Praising God Daily, Remaining "FaithfulH" Me: 62 W: 62 D:33 S:30 & 31 Married: 40 Years BD: Sep 2006 Piecing: May 2007 2nd BD: May 2014 Working On It: Today
Thank you so much Faithful. I go back to my first days here with Hope and I am really sad that I didn't keep up with her. She helped me a lot early on so thank you again for pointing me in her direction!
Things are still good. I think I can safely say that my marriage is back to "normal", that is, we are dealing with a lot of the usual married for 10 years stuff, and all our particular demons but other than that, the issues of last year, namely the affair/almost end of our marriage is past.
As usual, I am most afraid that we will just fall back into that unsatisfying (for either of us) routine but I agree with a lot of folks around here who believe that by virtue of OUR changes, that is relatively impossible, so long as we stick to our guns, we'll be fine.
My W has finally returned to the gym, or the scene of the crime as it were (her affair started there). She's been every now and then but she's not gotten back to her routine and I think it's been a huge drain on her. She really loves to be in shape and she's been slipping (her words, not mine) lately. I've encouraged her to get back into it and I think that's helped. The idea that the OM was a trainer there has been a pink elephant in our lives. It's the unspoken thing. I think she was worried that I would think she was seeing him again if she went back. I was not worried about that but I think it took much encouragement and positive vibe from me to convey that. I have also been direct about asking questions about him/the gym/my feelings/her feelings and she's answered me so it's all good.
So, she's getting back in shape, I'm in the best shape of my adult life (sad it took a 2x4 from her to get me motivated again...now I am doing it 100% for me...for real this time) and I feel great. I must look great too because twice in the last week she's initiated ML, one time she actually jumped me in bed, something she's never done before, all the while complimenting me on how great I look.
We are also talking much more these days. We are fighting more, and then getting past it, which was a BIG problem before. We would never fight and thus, never really get past any of our issues.
I can honestly say that while I still have some tiny part of me that is fearful of what I may not know (maybe there are still phone calls from OM, etc) I think things have never been better between W and I. Would I be shocked if it were all an illusion? Nope, I know better than that now, but I also know that contrary to how I was before all this, I am doing my part to keep things vibrant, positive and moving forward. I surely was NOT doing any of that before...and now she is doing the same, albeit to a lesser extent IMHO.
Hey, it's the stepping, and the direction that's important, not how big the steps are.
For today, indeed, things are still pretty ok, even great.
As weird as it sounds I actually wish H and I would "fight", we are both passive/aggressive but neither one of us lets the other know what is bothering us and that is bad. Money is a big issue with me, for one we don't have any and H spends like we do. We talk about it and he will say he needs to stop spending but he doesn't so then I silently hold a grudge. Any ideas on how to get past that?
I am also proud of your attitude regarding the gym. Does OM still work there? You are showing your wife that you trust her. If she chooses to betray that trust then I really think GH might choose a different path this time. Hopefully you never have to go there.
