I am seeing great things in my life and M. I give a lot of the credit to things I have learned here. Especially, regarding my relationships with friends and loved ones. I have learned to think a little more before I speak and to be much more patient. Zebra, when I get impatient, I now think of you and how patient you are. It does my heart good to see the rewards you are now reaping for your efforts. We could all learn from you.
The one thing that gets to me once in a while is the unknowns and bad memories. We all go through this and it just takes time and determination for it to get better. When my mind races I just stop it, right then. Move on to anything else. What is strange is how hard that can be somedays. I couldn't do that at all 6 months ago, even 3 months ago it was very hard. I am glad to see so many of you doing better at this.
I just back from an awesome hunting trip. I called my W every night and she would hardly let me get off of the phone. Then when I got home she surprised me by preparing an incredible meal in an sexy oufit. The best part was the warm embrace and her telling me how terribly she missed me. I am in a very good place in my life right now. Just 6 months ago she couldn't even commit to our M. The moral of the story is to be patient yet strong like Z. Thanks again Z for inspiring me and congrats on your huge steps.
Life is good JJ. I still can't fully put it all behind me but it gets easier everyday. A big thing is how hard she is working on the R. That makes me feel very good about us. For the first time ever we are BOTH very concerned about the R and working very hard at it. I have gained a lot of strength recently. I feel more stable and confident. To be very honest, if she ever does anything even remotely similar to what she did before I would throw her out in a minute. I feel so strongly about it that I even told her this. By now you are all probably freaking out but she understands how I feel and is not proud of what she did.
It is funny that I even saw the new post because I have been staying away from here for sanity sake. Seeing the pain here brings my own back sometimes but I try to help where I can. I can't believe what some people do to their loved ones. One thing I keep seeing is how we torture ourselves by "hanging on". It seems like the sooner we can move on with our own lives the more the WA wants us. I see it in small scale at my house. If my W is in a foul mood I just do my own thing. I used to try to fix it or take the blame for it. Forget that noise. I have actually started to distance or be unavailable sometimes just to let her pursue me. It is so much easier being pursued than doing the pursuing. You all should try it sometime. I don't do it to be mean or make a point, I simply don't focus on her. Since I started doing more things for "me" our R has improved. Probably because she doesn't feel so relied upon.
I wish you all well and please remember to be strong and focus on yourself. You can't and won't fix them.
Thank you tbone for posting this thread. I have been able to relate to it and found it very encouraging. I feel like I am in no man's land right now, paused between the "spiel" and seeing my H trying to re-connect back to our relationship. Your observations about behaving differently from before when your spouse is in a "foul mood" are right on. Took me awhile to realize that and as I respond to my H differently (giving him the space and "permission" to feel the way he is feeling at the moment) it seems to allow my H some security to be his own person.
And I am realizing too that my H is the "fixer". He has perceived conversations with me where I was just giving him info and he presumed that I was asking him to "fix it". I am careful now to clarify with H that I am not asking him to "fix" anything. I think this has taken a lot of pressure off of my H to have to "perform" to his maybe unrealistic expectations of himself. Just some rambling thots here. Take care and best of luck!
I just went to a seminar last week about building trust (Work related) and it was mentioned that one of the basic difference between men and women is exactly what Ange described. When women brings up an issue, men have the tendency to respond with, "Well let me do something to fix it.", where that is not the women's intention at all. They just want to communicate that there was an issue they need to deal with and all the men need to do is give them a supportive acknowledgement. Fasinating, isn't it...
I don't have much time so here goes. I feel like my W doesn't "really" love me even though she says it daily. Her actions don't back up her words. When she asks me "what's wrong?", my answer has become "Nothing". "Nothing" is actually short for "Nothing that you would care about or feel is important". I am supposed to be so excited that our M is better. I would be if I didn't still see the core problems. She is still very selfish, does not respect me (based on her actions), and she only is really nice to me when I am kissing her @$$. I am growing resentful of all of it and beginning to withdraw. I don't want to start the new year out with last years problems still there.
The hardest part is that I can't get her to open up unless I make it a "huge debate" and truly challenge her. The intensity of those challenges is wearing me out. That isn't how it needs to be. Anyway, I can't be the only one seeing this. I know it sounds like I am looking for trouble but I see this as preventative maintenence.
wish that I could help but honeslty I am feeling much the same way in my sit right now...h is home..things go well when i bite my lip about my needs and go with the flow...
maybe they still have their issues to deal with and in time we won't have to put the pressure on to get them to open up....at least we have faced what our part was in the downfall of the m....so we may go into the new year feeling like we want it all to be right..but should remind oursleves that we have made the adjustments and improvements needed on our part now we just have to have the patience and hope that they will make their adjustments too...
so what I'm saying is...though it may seem like we are headed into the new year with the same problems...we are not because we now have faced them...so the problems are only half what they were..
do I make any sense?? cause honestly I'm talking to myself here too.
LL trying to find the sunny side of the shitty sit's we are all in!!!
Yes, preventive maintenance is a good, and necessary, thing. Sounds like it's time for some! So, here's some questions for you!
What actions would you like from your wife to show that she loves you? Have you ever let her know what these things are? Do you ever "catch her getting it right", letting her know that she just did something good, something that makes you feel loved?
When she asks me "what's wrong?", my answer has become "Nothing". "Nothing" is actually short for "Nothing that you would care about or feel is important".
Not good, my friend. This is a great way to build up resentment inside of you, and a sure way to make her back away from you. Takes you away from your goal of growing closer.
Also, you might be doing a bit of mind-reading here about whether or not she cares, or feel that it's important. Try not to take the choice away from her.
Has there ever been any exceptions to rule, times where you could talk to her without the great debate? Are you presenting things in a way that she thinks you're expecting her to "fix" things, or just that you want to be heard? Are they any "safe" ways to change this scenario?
Do the two of you ever talk about the good things that are going on, on a semi-regular basis? Do the two of you ever reinforce the positive behaviours that you are seeing in each other lately?
Just some food for thought, will be back later!
JJ
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