1. I would change my therapist. She needs to help you to find coping mechanisms. This board is really supportive, and is about understanding what is going on, not 'obsessing'
2. My dad died of Alzheimers, and in the middle phase he said the most horrible things to my mother and to us. We knew he was ill, but they still hurt, because the person we loved was saying them, but we had to learn to distance from them. MLC is an illness. Some don't recover, but what they are doing and saying is about them, not you. They are ill as surely as if they had Alzheimers, or a brain tumour, and cannot help A LARGE PART of what they are doing.
The only thing you can do is get on with your life. It is what we all have to do. Some will come out of it, and want to return, some LBS won't want this. Some won't recover. But you can still have a good life.
A friend of mine's husband developed early onset ALzheimers, at age 49. Nine years later he is now tube-fed, mute and almost blind. She is effectively a widow, who has had to make a life, bring up her kids and cope. not what she would have chosen either.
Find a support group or a new therapist, get it off your chest, and accept that you have to move on. Staying put isn't an option. You can do it, but it requires a huge effort.
Itsy, Get rid of the therapist. She's not helping you. Find a divorce support group in your area and go to the meetings. The people who attend these do sit and listen. Do you have a close friend? Time to lean on that friend a bit.
Yes, you do have a lot to get out. I found that by talking to friends, I was able to work through all of the emotions/feelings that I had. Keeping it bottled up inside will only cause it to fester.
I'm sorry that realizing he's still in mlc has brought it all back home to you. However, I do feel that since the divorce has taken place, he will go through the euphoria stage and then the reality of what he's done will begin to hit him.
Itsy, you are a strong woman, you will make it. The holidays aren't helping you at this time either. Make plans and keep busy. It's okay to have down days. No one is suppose to have up days every day. Down days, once we get through them help with getting stronger and provide us w/clarity to our situations.
I hope you are feeling a bit better soon.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Quote: I went out Christmas shopping today. Got some gifts for family members. Then I bought new stuff for my new condo. YYYYYIIIIIPPPPPEEEEE, it's all about me. HA
This made me smile. That's right...it's all about you.
But even so...
Quote: Down days, once we get through them help with getting stronger and provide us w/clarity to our situations.
Quote: I wish that I never reealized what was going on. It gets me to thinking again and I don't need that... I don't want the feelings to come back. I don't want the depression. I don't want to obsess. I need to move on I need to go on alone. I know that I will be alright but something in me still says maybe.......this is not good.
There is a fear in thinking isn't there? Some who are depressed but trying to avoid it keep busy to avoid the silence where thinking occurs. There is a balance between obssessing and avoiding.
Quote: I'm getting crazy. But i feel a need to talk about it. I want someone to listen to me about what i have going thru for the last two years. I need to get it out. It's anger and sadness at times now and I don't know how to deal with it.
You are right. You do need to talk about it, allow yourself anger so it cna release, and allow the tears. Yes, find another therapist. And I liked what Snodderly said about a divorce support group.
Find someone who can give you {{{{HUGS}}}}. You really are strong and doing well. But do you believe that? Of course don't overspend...but go out and do those YYYYIIIIIPPPPPEEEEE things for yourself. This is about you. You would not have a better life if he comes back...or worse, merely differnt. Your life is YOURS and you can make it better on any path you walk.
Find the quiet place within yourself when your body and mind is telling you to stop and rest. And except those wonderful YYYYIIIIIPPPPPEEEEE energies when they burst forth too. They are all a part of this beautiful life.
Thank you for your post. I was starting to go backwards and I think that when I woke up this morning and didn't think about him for 30 minutes at first that I will be making progress again. I have found a supposrt group at a church......I was stating to pack again and came across a paper that lists suppost groups. I have been looking for one for awhile...well tonight I accidently(?) found one in the paper. YYYYYIIIIIIIPPPPPEEEEEEEE again. I tried calling they are closed but will do it on Monday. This is so wierd. I have been looking for about 3 weeks and finally found one. This is a good sign I will continue forward with it.
I know to look at them as if they have a disease. This has helped in the past. They can't help themselves. I so want to help. I want him to be over it. BUT I KNOW that I can not help him in any way. It will be all about me again. I put stop in my head today when I started to regress today. Have the lights on in the house and the heat turned up. It's freezing here.
I will probably cancel my appointments with the counselor. I will probably try and find another counselor. She related my husband to my father and that is icky. It has truth in it but I don't want to talk about that. There are similarities but I don't need FREUD right now. Don't always agree with the father of the psychy.
Again thank you for posting. I am sorry about your friend and her husband. I work with ALzsheimer patients sometimes and it is sooooo hard on the families especially the spouses and what they endure. Do know that I will come here again. It is my support group that knows what I am going thru. My best friend doesn't like the MLC theory. Most everyone thinks he's normal and he isn't. And there is nothing that I say that helps. So i have given up. Take care ITSY
M54 H54 married 30 years Prostitues and Other women "100's" 10/7/2004 Prostitue/Junkie girlfriend 6/04-1/07? Left 1/5/05 returned 1/9/05 Asked h to leave 4/2005 Had to, prostitues OW 5/2005 not a prostitue Divorced 9/2006
Snodderly thank you for stopping by> I am much better today then the pity party I was having. Don't want or need them. I'm better than that. Get over it ITSY move on right now. New approach today moving forward. If you read my response to angelica I found a new suppourt group to me in the paper that i was going to use to wrapp something in.... Can we say eery... play soft scary music in the background... Any way they meet next Wednesday and I intent to go. It's freezing in this state!!!!
He is probably going thru a euphoric stage soon to be a reality check of great magnitude. He will be moving back into this house and most everyhting will be gone. The kids, the LBS, the furniture, and lets not forget the cats. So much has changed and he really hasn't seen it for 2 years. But a reality check will happen. I know that he will be coming and harassing me about the furniture but oh well. Asked him what he wanted several times.. I hope he doesn't come looking for a easter egg.. I am going to kick the therapist to the curb.... I don't like that she dismisses what has been the most hurtful and emotiomal thing that i will ever go thru so easily. I need to talk it out. My best friend does not get MLC. Only people here do. My mom gets it. But everyone else doesn't. So I wil continue to come and post as needed. I have two sessions with a counselor here on BB so I hope to be able to use them for the holidays and then find someone new. I think I will go get someone that is a marriage counselor. I plan on interviewing them this time. They will be surprised. Or i will use the counselor here. Anyway, done with the pity party, move ahead and move on. Lots to do I will post as the holidays approach. Gotta move ahead... Always thank you snodderly ITSY
M54 H54 married 30 years Prostitues and Other women "100's" 10/7/2004 Prostitue/Junkie girlfriend 6/04-1/07? Left 1/5/05 returned 1/9/05 Asked h to leave 4/2005 Had to, prostitues OW 5/2005 not a prostitue Divorced 9/2006
Went on a pity party and it is OVER. I am moving on. I guess we do regress to those somtimes but I have claifity in my mind and will continue ahead. I hae been looking for a support group in the area and I found one tonight. I will be attending next week. I have things to do and I have things that need to get done. I am moving on again and it feels good. Thank you for stopping by and posting to me your thoughts. They were welcomed. Take care will post again during the month and as the holidays approach. It is so cold here today and tonight.. soup in order... ITSY
M54 H54 married 30 years Prostitues and Other women "100's" 10/7/2004 Prostitue/Junkie girlfriend 6/04-1/07? Left 1/5/05 returned 1/9/05 Asked h to leave 4/2005 Had to, prostitues OW 5/2005 not a prostitue Divorced 9/2006
itsy - this board is really great, and has helped me a lot. There are some fantastic, tough minded, intelligent and compassionate women here. We all fall over at times, and have pity parties. But fortunately [so far] not all at teh same time. You may well be required to pick one of us up soon.
Change your therapist, seriously. And keep coming here, it isn't all doom and gloom.
Itsy, I have been following you around a bit and want to give you some cheers and hugs. Listen sweets, you are going to be up and down for a while longer. You have determination and so that is what you need. But also you have to remember that this will cycle through, maybe even for a couple more years! It will get easier and easier over time. I would say it took me 4 years. And still I have thoughts that I have to control.
You are maybe quite still depressed. I think a couple things might help. First, a book by David Burns called Feeling Good. It will help you understand the reasonableness of your thoughts. Then also, as you find a new therapist, make sure it is a clinical person who can assess whether you need meds and who can then refer you to a good shrink who can presribe the medication.
My experience was that I went without meds for two years and just could not get to the next step without them. Wanted to know how I felt without them but once I was still crying every day it was time to try something else.
Hang in there sweets, I know where you are. One day at a time.
Thank you for your post. I was very relieved to hear that sometimes it takes longer. I thought that I should be way beyond this now but wasn't. That makes me feel really good. I'm sorry that you still hurt, but they must be plenty that do still hurt everyday too.
I'm not okay today but, someday it will be okay.. Something I have said to myself so much. It's almost a mantra for me.
I went to the therapist today the one I was thinking about leaving and I told her therpapy was not going in the direction that I needed it to go. I told her that I wasn't finished with the marriage and that I needed to get it out. That I wasn't helping myself by keeping it in. She started to ask questions and it flowed really quite well. She understood my point. She did refer to some back sessions and what we had discussed, but I told her my need was working on getting back myself something I need to do and work out the ending of my marriage. She listened really well and I will still go to her. I just need to speak up to them.
I am on medications and they are doing the best that they can do. I go routinely to the psychiatrict doctor and I really know when I start going bad and not taking care of myself. I have had emergency appointments with him so I know that when I get bad I need to go to him. Thanks for your post and your wisdom ITSY
M54 H54 married 30 years Prostitues and Other women "100's" 10/7/2004 Prostitue/Junkie girlfriend 6/04-1/07? Left 1/5/05 returned 1/9/05 Asked h to leave 4/2005 Had to, prostitues OW 5/2005 not a prostitue Divorced 9/2006
Itsy, I'm glad you decided to post again. This is really hard to get through and it takes a long time. There just isn't any way but through it. There is a thread on this board now from Survival Goddess that has some ideas about how to take are of yourself so take a look at that, she came a long long way.
I also know what you mean, meds don't always completely cover the territory. My therapist encouraged me to take one tiny step at a time to invest in the future, just little activities, maybe planning one a week in advance,to provide structure and something to look forward to.
Itsy, there are some people around who have been suicidal and come back from the edge. Including me. The best advice I ever got was from a neighbor and friend who has a spinal injury, a former athlete and now a psychiatric nurse who said can you know that you will feel better? That you will have good days and bad. But it will get better over time. And she was right. But she also has good days and bad ones, her injury was physical and ours is emotional but her point is we are not victims, we are people. Just my thoughts tonight. Wonder
