Well, i just got a call from the H telling me that he was on his way to the bank to deposit his check. This is how the convo went.
Me: hello H: Hey, did it have to be at the bank by 2:30? M: it has to be posted by 3pm H: ok, i will be there in a few minutes M: Ok, is that all? H: yeah, i guess so M: So where do we go from here H: (SILENCE) M: if you don't want to talk to me, then just say so H: it's not that I don't want to, it's just that I don't want to right now. M: Fine. I am done begging you. It has to be your decision now. I have let you dictate the way that each of my days go. I can't do that anymore. I have gone above and beyond the call of duty here. H: ok M: You know where the house is and you know that the door is open, you just have to make that call. I can't do it anymore. When you are ready to talk, you know where I am. H: ok M: just think about what i said to you last night, alright? H: ok
A little other small talk went on throughout but that was the gist. You know, I feel pretty good. I told him that I am done begging for him to come home. It is in his court now. I have done and said everything that I can. All I can do now is sit back, make changes to me and my family and wait. Like I said before, if God doesn't see him in my future, then so be it. If he were to come back tomorrow a completely changed man, then so be it. I just can't let him dictate who I am going to be and how I spend my days. It was a hard conversation but one that I needed to have.
By the way, his mom emailed me and pretty much said that she no longer has a son. He has made his bed, so now he has to lay in it. She wants nothing to do with him anymore.
"Be patient to persevere and wait for God to heal. Keep in mind that you are both imperfect people. Look to God as the source of all you want to see in your marriage and don't worry how it will happen...Leave it in His hands."
Quote: M: Ok, is that all? H: yeah, i guess so M: So where do we go from here
Ok, you've said it, now PLEASE be better at this than I and DON'T SAY ANYTHING LIKE IT AGAIN!!! (I keep finding myself back at square one--every time I give in.)
Quote: All I can do now is sit back, make changes to me and my family and wait.
Well, H is here right now to spend time with 2 out of the 3 kids. He has been here for about 30 minutes and I really haven't said too much to him. I am so afraid that I will open my mouth and out will come R talk. Don't want to do that and break my word to myself. But in return I don't want to seem nasty by not talking. Yikes. I just want to open my mouth and put my foot in. It would be easier to chew on my foot than try to be nice right now. Oh well, we shall see how long he stays after I put them to bed. He will probably jet out of here to get back to HER place. Oh how those devils rear their angry heads..........
I can do all things through Christ that gives me strength. GOD GIVE ME STRENGTH!!!!!!!
"Be patient to persevere and wait for God to heal. Keep in mind that you are both imperfect people. Look to God as the source of all you want to see in your marriage and don't worry how it will happen...Leave it in His hands."
It was ok. He left after just being here for 30 minutes so that kind of erked me. But what can I do. Even though he did that, I still had an ok evening. My S3months and I fell asleep on the couch watching Law & Order. It was actually kind of nice. Didn't really let him affect me too much.
"Be patient to persevere and wait for God to heal. Keep in mind that you are both imperfect people. Look to God as the source of all you want to see in your marriage and don't worry how it will happen...Leave it in His hands."
As hard as it is to face all of this with a newborn (+ 2 siblings), it's kind of nice to have that little person to focus on and snuggle and love. My D8months was 3 mos old when the bomb hit in July. I know she was meant to be here to help me get through this.
Good job on letting him go without too much trauma.
I think that helps me not go insane in the evenings after I put S4 and D3 to bed. It gives me one on one time with S3moths. I think once H realized that he is missing all of the vital times of our youngests life, that he will start coming around.
"Be patient to persevere and wait for God to heal. Keep in mind that you are both imperfect people. Look to God as the source of all you want to see in your marriage and don't worry how it will happen...Leave it in His hands."
Quote: I think once H realized that he is missing all of the vital times of our youngests life, that he will start coming around.
Lets all hope so because if not he will regret it for the rest of his life and I do not wish that upon anyone. My kids are my life. Hopfully your H will at least realize that.
Ben 32 STBXW 29 3 kids (D1,S4,SD8) (1 dog 5months) Status: Fighting for the Kids.
"The only thing we know about future developments is that they will develope."
Just wanted to journalize for a second about my weekend.
It was actually ok for once. On Saturday, I took the kids to breakfast and a little shopping. While I was out, H called 3 times to let me know about his civil servants test. He told me that both parts went well but he had some bad news for me. He got a speeding ticket on his way to the test. So he was afraid our insurance was going to increase. We kept things light and no R talk. Later that afternoon I had my company Christmas party. It was tough at first to be there without him but it went ok. He wouldn't have been able to go anyways because he had to work. I did invite him a few times. I told him that I would love for him to go but I know that he has to work. I ended up staying until after midnight just chatting away with one of the ladies that I use to work with. She has stood in my shoes. Her XH did the same thing to her. She finally got to the point of just saying, enough is enough.
While I was at the party, H had called twice. I called him on my way home at 12:30am. It felt kind of nice to be calling him that late and telling him that I was on my way home from the party. We just talked about our son's birthday and kept it light again.
Sunday was another story. H was suppose to come to church to see our S5 in his christmas program. Did that happen? Nope. Blamed it on working the night before and falling asleep. He didn't hear his alarm nor me calling at 9:30 to have him stop at the house to bring something to the church with him. After church, I didn't call him. I headed over to my brothers for some Christmas gift exchanges for the kids and then headed to my nephew's 3rd birthday party. During this time, I was out of range with my cell. When I got back to a place where I could get service, I noticed a VM. He had called me twice, within a 5 minute time span, and was apologizing about missing S program. I just blew it off. I ended up calling him about 1 hour after he left the message. I told him that I was on my way home. He asked me what was wrong and I just said "I will talk to you when you get to the house."
Well, he has to be at work by 6:30...didn't show up until 6:00 and spent about 10 minutes with the kids. It really erked me.......it almost seemed like our S birthday didn't mean too much to him. I walked him out and he was waiting on a tongue lashing from me. I told him that I wasn't going to get into it with him. And he told me that if I had something to say, then say it. I said no. He wanted me to call him when he left to talk for a minute. So I did.
We only talked for a few minutes. He wanted to know what was wrong and wanted me to say what I had to say. I just told him that I felt like he was trying to compete with me with S5 birthday. (He walked in with 5 huge balloons for him) I told him that I had included him on the card for the gifts that I had given S5. He said that he didn't know that. I told him that he was still apart of this family and until he tells me that he doesn't want to be, I am going to continue including him. I told him that he knew what I felt I was suppose to do in all of this. He said, "what's that" and I said "fight. It is a strong feeling that I am suppose to fight for this marriage as hard as I can." He knew. He says "I don't know." to the question of whether or not he wants me to fight but I don't care at this point. I am fighting for us, even if it is just through prayer and good deeds towards him.
I wake up every morning and ask myself, "Are you still in love with him?" Until the day that I answer "NO", I am going to continue the fight. We have another MC session set up for tomorrow at 4pm. I have decided that I am going to attend. I have asked him and he said that he doesn't know. I pray that he does. If he doesn't, then I will work on some me issues until I can get him back to the MC.
So other than that, the weekend was ok. H stopped this morning to take S5 out to breakfast. He had him for a whole hour and then left to go back to OW house to sleep.
"Be patient to persevere and wait for God to heal. Keep in mind that you are both imperfect people. Look to God as the source of all you want to see in your marriage and don't worry how it will happen...Leave it in His hands."
Just wanted to drop by and let you know I'm thinking about you. It sounds as if your weekend was up and down...that's normal (at least in my experience). How are you holding up?
