Hang tight to that friend. SHE really needs some good support right now and I am sure she would love to try to help you. Read up on my sitch. It may give you a clearer picture to who I am and what I am going through. I have sat here for weeks reading up on everyone else's issues and taking some of those tidbits into my sitch. A wise friend told me to come on here to look for some helpful advice.
"Be patient to persevere and wait for God to heal. Keep in mind that you are both imperfect people. Look to God as the source of all you want to see in your marriage and don't worry how it will happen...Leave it in His hands."
Ahhh, those lovely OW demons. Wish I could banish them for ya, but alas. I'm fresh out of kryptonite. Just remember that time and history are on your side. When you're ready, try replacing those doubts with positive thoughts...things that make you feel better. It takes a while to get to that point, but I'm finding that I really can consciously change the direction my brain is taking me. It's much nicer to be in control.
I don't know if you've been able to read any of the JokerMan threads, but this guy was the first person to reply to my very first post, and his story gave me TONS of insight and has ultimately helped me to find some peace and fill in some of the holes in my understanding of what my H has been up to/through. Just start at the top of his list in his signature.
Well teacher..... I haven't started my book report yet. The dog ate my first draft....
"Be patient to persevere and wait for God to heal. Keep in mind that you are both imperfect people. Look to God as the source of all you want to see in your marriage and don't worry how it will happen...Leave it in His hands."
Well, i don't know if we took a step backwards last night. H came over last night to watch the kids until I got home from work so that my mom could go home. My mom and I had been instant messaging some yesterday and she didn't shut it down. Well, he got on the computer and read the instant messages. It wasn't really anything too bad but enough to upset him. She just said that she has decided that she can't talk about him because it only makes her mad. I told her that was fine that I would only tell her positive things and WHEN he comes home. I also told her about a gift that he had brought to me Tuesday night. (Our anniversary is 12/11) I told her that I was surprised but hoped that it wasn't something to fill me full of false hope. I think that is what got to him. He thought that I didn't think he was sincere in it.
I told him to put himself in my shoes. I asked him if he felt like he had to get me something and he said no. I said "Great. I am glad that you didn't feel obligated." We talked R for a few minutes and I told him that this whole trust thing was really hard right now. I asked him if there was any reason that I shouldn't trust what he is telling me and he said no. So I told him that I would trust him. (Just between you, me and the whole BB....I still don't trust half of it.) I will ask him things just to see if he will tell me the truth.
I apologized to him in case I had hurt his feelings about anything that I may have said in the instant message. Then he left. He called me a few minutes later and told me that he had been called into work and probably wouldn't be talking to me today. Well, I drove by her place this morning and guess who's car was parked out front. AAGGHHHH! Trying to put it out of my mind but I may ask him what time he got off just to see if he will tell me the truth.
Anyways.....still hunting down that mobster.
"Be patient to persevere and wait for God to heal. Keep in mind that you are both imperfect people. Look to God as the source of all you want to see in your marriage and don't worry how it will happen...Leave it in His hands."
Honey, if the worst thing he saw in those IMs was that you didn't think his gift was sincere, you deserve a GOLD STAR!
I know it feels like a step backwards, but hello, he expects you to trust him and ends up at OW's house?! Of course it will upset him to see that he's hurting you. (It's good that he cares about that.)
Don't trust any of what he says...just let it slide off your back with this attitude: If he's truthful, fine. If he's not, fine. This is what detaching is...finding happiness in yourself, not attached to ANYTHING he does. Finding the positives just become bonuses when you're not depending on them for survival.
I think you're a lot like me in that you feel you have to apologize, even when you're not ultimately in the wrong because you just don't like to have misunderstanding or negative feelings between you. I'm still guilty of it. But I am trying (and succeeding every once in awhile) to let responsibility lie where it should...I worry that by being too kind and accepting I am enabling his bad/neglectful/apathetic behavior. You don't have to be confrontational about it, just not so apologetic...reality is that his actions ARE hurting you deeply. If he's looking for reassurance that you're trusting him, how does that help either of you?
Right now I am having a rough way to go. My mind is going in all sorts of directions and I have fallen back on my word of not calling him. I have tried to call twice this morning to talk to him about telling me the truth. The more lies that I realize he has told me, the angrier I get. I just can't understand how he can keep filling me full of hope only to do something to break it apart.
He told me that he got called into work last night but it seems that he went bowling after he left our house. Then i see that he is at her apt this morning. I just don't know what to believe anymore. Am i being played or is my h really that unsure of what he is doing or where he wants to be??!?! I try so hard to be nice and sincere but it is hard when all I am getting from him are half truths.
"Be patient to persevere and wait for God to heal. Keep in mind that you are both imperfect people. Look to God as the source of all you want to see in your marriage and don't worry how it will happen...Leave it in His hands."
I just can't take the fact that he thinks it is ok to continue this A. I do not want to be in an open M. First of all it is morally wrong and secondly, I want my h back and my M back. I don't know what more I can do to make him see the bad choices that he is making. I don't want to be the hard butt and keep him from seeing the kids because in the end it will only hurt them. And I don't want to do or say anything that could completely push him away.
I guess I am going to have to go back to my initial decision to not call him. We have gotten back into calling each other for whatever reasons because it felt good to just talk and hear each other's voices. But now,I need to go back to not calling at all. It is going to hurt all over again but I don't want to be played anymore.
"Be patient to persevere and wait for God to heal. Keep in mind that you are both imperfect people. Look to God as the source of all you want to see in your marriage and don't worry how it will happen...Leave it in His hands."
UGH. I know that exact feeling. My H did the same things...I think they all do. I know for a fact he would call me at night, say "Sweet dreams, I love you," and then go directly to the OW waiting in his bed. OUCH.
At this point, you can't focus on being played. You can't call him and ask for the truth--you won't get it anyway. You can't act out of anger (no matter how justified). It will just feed his desire to be elsewhere.
Have you read DR yet? If not, get it now. Focus your energies on learning how to handle yourself (you're already doing a fabulous job). Turn your attention to the only thing you have control of: YOU. GAL is about more than doing outward things for yourself--it's about finding the beautiful, worthwhile person inside of you irregardless of any of your circumstances.
That is where you'll find the strength to let him make his own choices. Pressuring him will not give you the outcome you desire--it has to come from him. Sigh...I'm sorry this is so hard.
Don't apologize because it isn't your fault. I feel like the oldest 29 year old there is. To top all of this off, our daughter is a special needs child. That takes a lot of energy in itself.
You could just say that this is one of those feel sorry for myself days. Haven't had one of those since last week but his actions are causing one today. If he calls me back, I will just try to be pleasant and see how his evening went. It kills me to see what he is and will do to his kids mentally.
Ok, enough of wallowing in self pity. I am going to go get my pot-o-hope and hold onto that. I will continue to water it and plant those seeds of hope everytime he sends one my way.
Thanks for your encouragement. Your kind words help more than you will ever know!
"Be patient to persevere and wait for God to heal. Keep in mind that you are both imperfect people. Look to God as the source of all you want to see in your marriage and don't worry how it will happen...Leave it in His hands."
