Well, I have spent the past few weeks reading a lot of your stories and how many of you have decided to fight for your marriages. I too am in that same boat.
Let me just give you a few details about myself and my situation. In September, I gave birth to our 3rd child. At the first of October I found out that my husband had been having an A for about 4 or more months with someone that he worked with. Let's just say that I was completely devistated as everyone is when they realize this. The way that I found out was that he had been hiding his cell phone. He would get calls and would take them in another room or outside. When I really started to take notice was when I received our cell bill and it had 255 text messages in one month. He tried to tell me that it was his friends texting him. I gave him the benefit of the doubt but never let the thought leave my mind. Then one day, he made a big mistake. He left his phone at home by mistake. So being courious, I read through his messages and cried the more I read.
At that point, i called her cell phone and told her never to call my H again. She in turn, called him at work to let him know that I knew. When he got home from work that next morning, he knew and we talked for a few. He decided that he wanted to start fresh so I agreed. We went out with the kids after that and spent the day at our county fair. I knew that he was miserable and we went home. When we got home, he went to bed and I found out that they had text each other more and called more since the time that I confronted him. By that evening he had moved out and decided that he wanted to be with this OW. So for the next month, I kept fighting the good fight. I kept telling him that I loved him and told him that all he had to do was make the decision to come home and work on things. It was all in his court.
Well, one morning while I was at church, he came walking in the door, sat down next to me and apologized. He also said that he was so sorry. He moved back in that very day. She was getting a divorce from her H and they were seperated. Come to find out, she had slept with her H that weekend, basically cheating on my H. He was devistated.
So he spent the next month at home which was a battle in itself. The first few days were great. We were cuddling, saying alot of ILYs and spending time together. Then he hit a wall. Depression, suicidal thoughts and thoughts about her. I tried so hard to be supportive but I was dying inside knowing that he was still pining for this OW. He kept calling her and she would call him. Let me just say that I had decided 2 days after I found out to forgive and fight for my marriage. I wasn't going to stop fighting. We began MC and had only been to one session.
He decided this weekend that he was moving back out. Can I just say that I am completely crushed?!?! We went to another counseling session last night which is, in my mind, encouraging. When we left, he asked me if I had scheduled the next one. I told him that it was up to him. He told me to go ahead.
He has told me that he doesn't know what he wants. That he has feelings for her. I know that he goes to her place because I drive by once in a while and will see his car. But he knows that I am not going to give up. That he, the marriage and the kids mean the world to me.
I made a decision a few days ago to stop calling him and let him have his space. That was the hardest thing in the world to do. I told him because I can't lie to him about anything. It is funny because he has since called me everyday. 4 times yesterday. I am trying to keep our R talk to the counseling sessions now but it will be hard. Our next appointment isn't until Dec 19th.
If anyone has any suggestions or comments, please let me know. I am keeping the faith and not wavering from my decision to fight for the marriage. It feels so right to do. I am also standing on the words to the Song "Stand" by Donnie McClurkin. Great song if any of you want an inspirational song.
"Be patient to persevere and wait for God to heal. Keep in mind that you are both imperfect people. Look to God as the source of all you want to see in your marriage and don't worry how it will happen...Leave it in His hands."
Thank you ngu ! I will read and digest. oh.. must do the obligatory thing.. I am sorry you are here.. but we will all get over that eventually and figure out what we need to do. ..not sure if the last part of that is traditional... but it seems to fit !
thank you. At this point, i just have to stay positive and believe that things will work out. i am not willing to walk away from the history that we have as well as our 3 beautiful kids.
"Be patient to persevere and wait for God to heal. Keep in mind that you are both imperfect people. Look to God as the source of all you want to see in your marriage and don't worry how it will happen...Leave it in His hands."
No i have not read those. I am just here because a friend of my H suggested that I come here and read up on how people are dealing with their issues and the great support that people provide. I have to agree that everyone here is great and willing to lend an ear (or eye) to try to help someone through their situation. It is comforting to know that so many people have been where I am now and have come through it. I will take your advice and start to read those.
"Be patient to persevere and wait for God to heal. Keep in mind that you are both imperfect people. Look to God as the source of all you want to see in your marriage and don't worry how it will happen...Leave it in His hands."
ngu, Sorry you're here with the rest of us but you are right, it is a very good place to be! Do the reading. I know myself, when my W told me "I don't love you anymore...) I was devastated (The A announcement came the next year) and didn't know what to do. I went to bookstores and all I could find where books on how to end your M constructively or how to mend it together. When I came across DB I was thrilled, at last, something that might actually help me! It did. It helped me to change myself and look at this traumatic sitch in as positive a light as I could. By GAL (getting a life) I discovered so many new and exciting things about myself. I am stronger and more able to deal with whatever comes my way now. When I first read the book and came to this BB I was amazed at how all the lines my W had spun on me are the same ones everybody else was hearing! It made it so much more bearable than feeling that every word she spouted was one more indication of my poor R skills etc. This is an empowering place to be. Everybody has a different slant on things and no one can give you the road map to succeeding in your M but the ideas give you fuel to form your own plan of action. Keep us posted.
Thank you for the encouragement. I had read so many of the stories on here and seen some of the breakthroughs. I just thought that someone might be able to give me some insight on my situation. I will do the reading and give you a book report on what I have read.
"Be patient to persevere and wait for God to heal. Keep in mind that you are both imperfect people. Look to God as the source of all you want to see in your marriage and don't worry how it will happen...Leave it in His hands."
I think you've already started DBing! You've decided to 1)fight for your M 2) to stop pursuing 3) to give him his space. A perfect start Sometimes in the beginning we all want to chase them around, convince them they are wrong about the M blah blah blah. We whine, we cry, we scream and basically make them want to get the hell away from us as fast as they can. Detaching as best we can enables us to do what is best for the sitch and for ourselves. It doesn't mean not caring but it means showing a strong, attractive side of ourselves to the spouse. By making ourselves better people, we make ourselves more attractive. Now, if there are things in the M that you know were constant issues, try and address them. For example, if communication was an issue then work on communicating more effectively. The beauty of DB is that you can create a different reaction by changing your actions. You don't need Hubby to be on board to do this. If you act differently in some way, he must respond differently because you've changed the pattern. Also, look at the times when you both were happiest. What were you doing together? What was happening that isn't happening how? Try and work more of those kinds of times into your day. I'm guessing that when you had kids they became a priority, as in most M's, and you paid less attention to each other. So look at what you two shared before kids and go back to some of those things. Even if it was just going to a movie once every week or two. My W and I are now taking Ballroom Dance lessons once per week! It's time together and maybe it will make a difference. If it doesn't then at least I have learned a new skill which I can use to pick up other women (Gosh, that line is starting to get old, but I still like repeating it!). Again, it's up to you to know what would be infringing on his "space" right now, but these are just some of my initial thoughts on DBing. Little things can mean alot, for example, it doesn't take much to say "How was your day?" if you usually fail to say it (I have no idea whether you do or not). I hope some of these thoughts are helpful.
I understand everything that you are saying. I have done my best not to call him in the past week. But he has been calling me. It is hard when I go by the place that he is suppose to be staying at and his car isn't there. I just don't know whether to believe all of the things that he is telling me. He has told me that he won't be staying at the OW place anymore because of an altercation with the soon-to-be-ex husband. But that doesn't mean that things with them have ended. I would love to believe that it has but I just don't know. I have been so much more attentive to him when he talks to me and I try to ask him every day how his day was. I want him to feel like he can tell me anything and I also want to see if he will tell me the truth about things. We have both lost a lot of weight. I would think that his was more from the stress of hiding the A. Mine more from the baby weight but also the stress of this whole fiasco. Hey if things don't work out on either end, you can feel free to give me a dance lesson. God knows I sure can't dance. Never could.
"Be patient to persevere and wait for God to heal. Keep in mind that you are both imperfect people. Look to God as the source of all you want to see in your marriage and don't worry how it will happen...Leave it in His hands."
Michelle says in her book not to believe pretty much anything they tell you. I think their actions speak louder than words here. He might tell you "I've never really loved you" or he might tell you "I am fully committed to this R now" cuz he had a fight with OW. Judge actions, not words. Your H doesn't know what he thinks or wants right now. It must be so sad to be in that position. At least we know what we want and are willing to fight for it!
..not sure if the last part of that is traditional... but it seems to fit !
(Gosh, that line is starting to get old, but I still like repeating it!). Again, it's up to you to know what would be infringing on his "space" right now, but these are just some of my initial thoughts on DBing. Little things can mean alot, for example, it doesn't take much to say "How was your day?" if you usually fail to say it (I have no idea whether you do or not). I hope some of these thoughts are helpful.