Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Doing It My Way

Hey mamma, long time no talk!

just coming by to wish you a very merry!

Enjoy the expression on your D's face when she opens the gifts!!

Snuggle and smooch!

pass it on!

YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! One more hour and then off until Jan 2nd!!!!!!!!!!! Counting the moments!!

THanks for stopping by Lissette and FH!!! Smooches to you both!!! Muuuuah!

Well it was a tiring day...But at the tail end now. Whew! H came over 8am sharp as planned to open gifts with dghtr. I got him a shirt and our d got him some salsa he loves; he got me a very nice jewelry box! Mahogany 4 drawers enough for all my crap! I told him, "now i have a nice place to put my old wedding ring!" He just smirked. I said to him, "its ok, i know what you want i am just making light of the sitch" I then did something STUPID...I asked him if he was having second thoughts about the divorce (he hasnt filed yet even though h said he would several wks ago) Quite quickly he replied, "Nope, no second thoughts. Fully aware of what i want. I just didnt want to be a jerk and do it at Xmas. i am not trying to offend you, just answering you" He wasnt mean or anything, just stated the facts. And it didnt sting me, i said, "oh, ok. just asking cause you seemed to be dragging your feet. No prob!" I smiled then went about making us all breakfast. We ate and put away all the garbage and then he set up a few things for our dghtr. We then went to his parents house for dinner and ate, laughed etc. We were all joking (except his parents who are not in that mindset, they want us back together) around and had a really nice afternoon. It is so weird that we are together as friends but nothing more. He gave me a big hug and kiss when he left. It was nice, it was nice to not have to fight with him or wonder, or anything. I am in a good place right now. WHo the heck knows about tomorrow or next week? But now i am at peace. I am getting stronger everyday. Thank you Lord for helping me find my strength.

Hope all had a pleasant peaceful day!

Trying

Silla, I was thinking about you today and hoping you had a great day! Sounds like it went pretty well....even though your H's response seems cold. You know that all we can do is become who we need to become for US....if he decides to notice and give it a shot then great...if not, you and your daughter are going to be GREAT!

I got to spend about an hour in the same room as my W today although she barely seemed to notice. I was helping my D19 with a problem with her cellphone. It was nice that my WAW/MLCer could stand to be in the same room though without being ugly! I bought my W a small Christmas gift but got nothing in return. Although I knew not to expect anything...it still hurts!

If you have not seen it, check out BrandNewDays post which really lifted my spirits today.... Just Believe

Maybe we can get together for coffee again this week...I'll drop you an e-mail!

Thanks FH! Yes email me, we can catch up and see how things went. Hope you are doing well!

Trying

Well today I took the bait, I know stupid, but hey I do a lot of stupid things. Let me backtrack...I was talking yesterday to a fellow dber, I was told how strong i was and how i have detached etc...because of my xmas post. Well I am not. I fail and screw up too. I am I feel a little farther detached and moved on as others. I believe it is because my husband cheated on me with my sister and I dont have it in my heart to see him in the same light. I do still love him, soooo much. I just know I cant be with him now. He is not himself...i dont know if he will ever be again. I know he will never be what he was and thats ok. I just want him to feel. To feel the pain he has inflicted, to feel love for me and our daughter, to have some respect for me. When he starts doing this maybe we could learn and reconnect.

Well that brings me to tonight. It was his night to watch our d4, he calls me 45min prior to picking her up and ask for a status report??? Huh, i told him i would pick her up at 9, like always. He then ask if I still want to meet him at the gas station to "exchange" her. (this saves me from driving 10 off highway to his place) So I tell him,"no, i am around the area so i can grab her from your place". AAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! He then tells me that he is not comfortable with this. I cant just pop over his place uninvited. WTF?? I told him, "i have picked up our d4 from your place before, I never come in, i just knock and you come out with her" Now it is a big deal??? I lost it, I started crying and i told him how hurtful that was. He said, "too bad, he is just trying to set up comfortable boundaries. It is not appropriate for me to just show up" FIRST OF ALL...i did not just show up or anyhing, he called me and asked me what i was doing then tells me I am just inviting myself over. Honestly I was set up to fail here. He tells me that i need to see where he is coming from...I SAID NO>>> it has been about you and how i need to see your point of view. NOW it is my turn...I told him i am hurt, hurt for all that has happened, hurt that i am told i cant even come to pick up my own d4 cause I am overstepping boundaries!
The floodgates opened I told him, "i am about 1 1/5 years behind you in this whole process, I am not perfect, I am still hurt, I miss what my life was. He said that we had a "wonderful" marriage and that he holds no ill will against me. I READ WHAT MRSHURTING wrote and said how mean there/her h is...but the flip side??? An H who is saying nice things to you about being married and such...!!! Ugh. Well I told him i was told by him how horrible i was, how he wasnt happy most of our marriage; how am i suppossed to feel. He had nothing to say.

He shut up. Thennnnnnnnnnn. GET THIS. He tells me he went by my house and dropped off our water bottles and cooler from poland springs (heavy) and some stuff. he left it on the front door step. He said he left it there cause the house was locked. OMG!!! Hello???? So i told him..."of course house is locked! You werent invited, it isnt polite to show up uninvited."

He is typical and he is such a jerk. he is trying to be above me and make me feel likke i am crazy. He told me that i ask him too many questions about his personal life and that i need to not worry about him and that is why he is setting up boundaries and why i shouldnt just "show up" at his place. I have never, ever, never just showed up. I have the past 3 times called him and said i am 10 min away i can pick our d4 up since i am up on your side of town, ill honk send her out. Is this wrong, i was just being helpful. Nothing whatsoever behind it...i dont even go inside, i just honk meet her at the sidewalk and get her in the car.

I am so frustrated and hurt...

(((((trying))))))

Your H is being a mlcer jerk.

IMO, I think he went to your house and was upset he couldn't get in so therefore he is trying to retaliate.

You are not invading his privacy either. Believe nothing of what your hear.

They say and do such hurtful things while in MLC, don't take it personally. I know it hard, it took me a while to understand this.

And don't worry about messing up. We all backslide. We are not perfect. There is only so many times your H can push your buttons.

I really do think he was just shocked he was locked out of your house so therefore he is acting like a little kids and has the attitude of "well then you are not welcome at mine". So childish.

You are one strong person to put up with all that you have been putting up with. I admire your strength. One day your H is going to realize what a jerk he really was.

Hang in there!

Silla,

I agree with MrsH....also, you know what you need to do....detach, detach, detach! You cannot guage your progress on your M based on looking at circumstances and/or your H's behavior! Don't get sucked into the tornado!

p.s. I dropped you an e-mail response this afternoon.

Thanks MrsH and FH! I know he is being a MLC Jerk and I need to detach...more. I always think to myself "wow i am doing so well. i can do this, i dont miss him as much, in fact for all that he has done, i dont need a person like that in my life." Then out of no where I feel like i get sent back to square one! So hard to do.

I just cant believe he was mad cause i was going to pick up d4 instead of meeting him. ONE THING...he isnt getting back at me cause he couldnt get into my house. The thing is he is always welcomed there. It is no big deal. He stays at my place, alone with my things and watches our d4 there. Now i cant even swing by his front door to get her cause i am uninvited and overstepping boundaries. Ha.

Well when he first got his place back in April 06, i went over and THEN AND ONLY THEN, did i sort of look thru things. he was watching me the whole time. I was just looking at his towels, cupboards, closet. Yes i was snopping, but with him watching me. I was looking for signs that he was dating my sister (it wasnt confirmed then, but i knew deep down) WELL NOW, he throws it in my face several months later, that he doesnt like me in his place cause i snoop. So GO FIGURE. I did bad way back then and am paying for it now. THE STORY OF MY MARRIAGE!

To love someone in MLC is like...being told you can no longer have chocolate; you know you cant anymore, but you just want one last bite to remember what it taste like.

So frustrating...HAS ANYone ever had this happen?????
************PICTURE IT*********** A nice warm day, you are sitting on the couch with your spouse, talking laughing, then kissing, then just being with each other in that comfortable married way. You are warm all over, you cant believe how lucky you are to have this great person with you. THey love you and you love them. Ahhhh, so perfect. ***********************

Then the stupid alarm goes off.
Then the tears start...

Trying! I have no idea what you are talking about with the whole nice-warm-day-couch thing! That doesn't happen does it? Oh, yeah....way back long ago I do remember a time like that in my M! (just messin' with you)

You are doing awesome! It is a miracle that you can still put yourself back into that carefree time when things were so grand. Lately, I have been struggling to recall those times. It seems like the new reality for so many of us is to love the unloveable...to be strong for our spouses when they cannot be....to STAND for our M when EVERYBODY says GIVE UP! Keep being strong, Silla!