My H had an A. And has cmoe back to me MANY times saying it was over with her and it would never happen again. And over and over again, I find out that he cann't stop with her. And frankly, I don't see remorse from my H. In my opinion, contact of any kind is unacceptable. That is where I am with my H. He came back AGAIN and swore he cut off contact, when in reality they're still at teh very least texting each other if not talking. That was it for me. Any R... even a friendship is unacceptable if the M is to succeed. It is up to your W to determine what she wants more... to save your M or to continue to be in contact with OM.
On the question of once a cheater always a cheater... i definately do not agree wtih that statement. I think there are MANY people who fall into the trap of an A. Like JM said, it's about learnign from your mistakes. We're all human and we all make mistakes. It's what you do with that mistake that counts.
I think that marriage isn't absolute - suppose your spouse talked 15 minutes every day with someone else or how about 10 or 5 - is a shorter time better? Does your wife spend meaningful time with you? Is this amount of meaningful time increasing, even if not always? Is there some behavior related to other people that is acceptable? Emailing? Does she tell you that she loves you? Or show it somehow? Maybe she needs more space for a bit.
It seems to me that where a person puts their time indicates what is important to them and that we can't require 100% of it always. Of course, there are unacceptable behaviors - sleeping with someone else, or having a prolonged emotional affair and no longer loving you - but we are human and can change and choose and come back.
Give it time, try new approaches, watch the results, monitor the improvements, and see where you are going (I've been DBing three years (!) and things are a lot better, but my wife and I still don't sleep together or touch - it is a matter of faith and seeing the good).
Hang in there - forgive if you can - be patient -
Luke
M58, xW54 S22, D18 M 1984, D 2016 Living a new life.
Just wanted to ask you what you have done regarding your H's behavior? I too have the same type of thing with my H. He can't seem to let go. doesn't show much remorse but says he doesn't want a D. Repeatedly said it's over with OW but over and over again I've found him still getting calls at work from her. He says he doesn't respond...yah right!!! When I tell him that he should no longer get calls or change his work #, he says "well maybe that is an idea" I don't push too much, because he could change # to satisfy me and then give her the # without my knowing. All done thru work where I don't have any access. The thing I don't get is that he had left last yr. wanted D, filed for legal sep. Then I think within a couple months got scared and wanted to come back. A friend who is spiritual got a hold of him and read the bible passages that deal with infidelity. Told him he was living a lie. Anyhow, he begged to come back and the rest is history. He is back to not completely letting go of OW.
In my case she's got alot to offer, grown kids, super rich with yacht's and houses all over the place. Wants to share her life and riches with him....
Just wanted to know what you have done about boundaries.
Well, On my sitch, if she was just talking to anybody, it wouldn't be such a problem. She has always had guy friends. This guy is the one she cheated with for over a year. You want me to go through the pain of building trust again? want me to let go and feel secure in our relationship again ? Want me to go maybe years w/o getting the attention I want from you while you heal from your childhood abuse issues?????? STOP ANY CONTACT WITH YOUR AFFAIR PARTNER !!!!!!!
Last week, I started talking to other women. Went on a few dates this week. Talk about a PMA builder ! Aid, i love my wife very much, anybody who has read my first two threads will vouch for it. But there's no way that I could go through with this for 3 yrs. I admire you for it. I've only been married to her for less than 3 yrs, and less than 1 yr into it is when things started going south, as far as lack of affection. Do I want the other women? Hell no, but I'm not gonna sit around waiting on the crumbs she throws me. I'm not gonna like feeling like I'm her second choice either, or her fall back to guy.
