Oh boy. Since you are the victom of the affiar and you were a stay home going back to school and the judge has already ruled in your favor, you have the upper hand. Now if you want to forgive your H and take him back is your personal decision.
I am getting sort of the same song and dance from W. I am the breadwinner although she is fully capable of working and the kids are in school. She has been sitting on her butt eating bon bons while I have done worked my butt off. Yeah I blew up, but damnit I needed her to help with the bacon! Now she wants me to buy her a new car, fix house, let her use my seperate furniture you know have her cake and eat it to. I am letting her rant. She back off the car thing once I explained to her the note would be hers. She is using the kids as pawns to fix house and leave furniture. I am letting that stew. I am convinced she needs therapy. I am starting to be methodical about this. Yes I want her back, but I want her back on reasonable terms, not her terms, not mine, but ours. She is starting to contact her old college girl friends, I see it as a sign of she feels that life has past her by. She needs to learn the hard way, but as long as she does not stray (she has not I am convinced of that) and does not try to take me to the cleaners (I will provide for my kids and my best friend - her) I am willing to take her back. But sooner or later I will move on, I am just concerned she will regret this..... Her problem I guess.
How old is your wife? It may be a midlife crisis. Also, have you read any of the threads I posted for you?
I know that I can forgive my H, he is in the midst of a midlife crisis. If he come out of it, I am there for him but like you said not on the old terms but a new R that is beneficial to both of us. My concern is if he can get over feeling like I am trying to screw him in the divorce. My motivation is not revenge, I still love him and want to work things out with him. My motivation is survival. I will be in financial distress if he does not help me with bills.
Take care and look at the site I have recommended there is some wonderful advice on both and both of these men have reconciled with their wives.
Everything happens for a reason, maybe Dad needs to find that it isn't better out there, he needs to realize how good he had it here. Maybe he will find God and that is the most important thing when he finds Him he will know he is supposed to come home.
44. She is a classic MLC or WAW. I have grown tired. I am moving into a large apartment today and before her very eyes I am GAL. I suspect things will get dicey, but she started it.
What a strange trip its been! This weekend we did the set up for Christmas thing. Purely family stuff. We did not talk R. We had dinner and W and I had a great time visiting. She mentioned an idea about telling all of her bridesmaids and joked about it. She said she was embarrashed about the whole thing. We talked about going to some formal events after the first of the year. Wonderful dinner with the kids. She dropped me off and I told her to call me when they got home. She called and said she was sorry about the whole mess and that she would always love me. I told her she was a beutiful woman and person and that I loved her also. I have to work tomorrow so I cannot do the family stuff. I told her to call me if the kids drove her nuts. This was the best two days we had together in a very long time.
I have very angry feelings toward her for putting our family through this. Neverthelesss I can understand how we got here. I pray that I get time to turn this around. We talked about Christmas presents. I want to get her something nice to wear to the formal events. She asked are you sure, I said of course! We can say if was from the kids.
This whole thing is up and down. This weekend was an up, I just hope I can last the downs.
W has pretty much said she wants a d. But she also wants me to redo the kitchen, roof of the house, replace the doors and other work. She has made no attempt to go to counseling and for the most part has been a royal b, although she can be nice. I am tired of the roller coaster. I am prepared to send the following e-mail "If you expect me to agree to pay to redo the kitchen, roof, shutters and doors, then I expect you to let me move back home and reconcile."
I know it looks childish, but I really do not want to spend money on the house she will not let me move back into. She keeps implying a nice house would be nice for the kids. I ignore that foolishness. Her MLC has gone too far. Any advice out there?
The W. wants to talk, but she keeps putting it off. I think it is about a more structured visitation arrangement. The last counselor we saw suggested family mediation to iron out the issue. I told W. it was her responsibility to set it up as I am tired of driving this bus (reconciliation, resolution, counseling, etc). In addition I am tired of her bugging me so I redid my e-mail that I have not sent - I have thought about the remodeling project in light of our present circumstances. To put it simply I will not agree to any remodeling projects with the exception of a new roof on the garage unless and until I move back home and we reconcile. I know this will upset you and is not meant to, I just cannot approve spending money on a house that I am not welcome in and for a spouse that wants a divorce.
I guess my advice would be to dial back the e-mail a bit and make it less of an if/then kind of thing. You can require reconciliation or moving back in and perhaps she'll agree to get what she wants...but it probably won't last (or she'll resent you forcing her hand).
Instead, I'd just say that given the circumstances and the unknown nature of your collective future, that substantial investments or expenditures would be unwise.
On an unrelated topic, I don't know what's available in your state, but you might see if you can do a legal separation instead of a divorce. If you're itching to do something (and I'm not suggesting you should) and want to protect yourself financially, then separation is a way of doing that without "going all the way".
This would protect you and they can generally be "turned into" a divorce at a later date by either party. This would give you some wiggle room in that you could act while still placing the burden of actually requesting the divorce on your WAW. Just a thought.
Thanks. I have toned it down and have not sent it yet. I meet with a lawyer on Monday to explore options. She is oblivious to my actions. She is having lunch with a friend who has told me (via another) that she is going to read the riot act to the WAW. The friend went through a divorce and ended up friends with her X. She is going to surprisingly tell the W. not to expect this same result and the W should try everything to save the M. I am not behind this, I was just told of this yesterday. Maybe it will bring some attention to the W. that all is not green on the otherside of the fence.
I have been extremely nice to her lately. I have spent a lot of time with the kids and her. We have had fun. In addition I have spent time on myself and started working very hard (my passion is my work!). Fortunately business is good and keeps my mind occupied and away from this crap!
I plan on being methodical about this whole thing. As much as I want to save my marriage, I must be prepared for the next (awful) step. One of the nice things about this forum is that it allows me to vent before I act.
The w. asked me to book a cruise for the family as a gift. Yes I go. W. wants to bring our friend (female) I suspect to shaperone, good idea. W. wants to file as to I actually but hold off on finalizing. I guess this is all a good idea. My problem is that I get so damn angry with the situation! She says she wants control if I go nuts. Makes sense. I am not handling this very well at all. Worst damn thing I have ever been through.
I am convinced there is nothing I can do to stop W. from filing for D. She believes that life will be better for her with a D. She wants to be friends. She says she has no desire to date for a long time. She thinks she will land on her feet, blah blah blah. I told her I was not giving up and she just had to deal with that. I am going to let her file, but I am meeting with a lawyer today. A close friend is convinced that she will not eventually divorce me. His ex-wife wants to talk to w and tell her the divorce trap.
I am setting up a coaching session. I think the only option is to just let her go and move on. We will have contact (the cruise with the kids) and maybe a few formal events. A d. will take some time, maybe a few months, so I have some time. It just breaks my heart what she is doing to our family for her selfish endevour. Sometimes I get very angry with her. Everytime I talk to her I get mad. Obviously I just need to stay away from her. Of course with 3 kids that is hard.
