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what are you doing tonight anyway jerst, give me a call man....

Ian

I went to home center and bought some new lights for my house. My w called me while I was there and asked what I was doing and could not believe I went by my self. I used to go places by myself all the time and I don't know why she was so unbelieving. We talked for a while and I said I need to get some things before the store closed and asked if I could call her back. She said she would give me an hour and call me back.
She called back an hour and half later and asked what I was doing. I let her know I just got home. She hinted around about me going over to see her and I said that I didn't know if we should get together even though I would really like to. She asked if I didn't think it would be a good idea because we are getting together tonight. I said well I think it would be alright but I don't want us to rush things too much like the last time. I said that if she really wanted me to come over I would but I have to put up my lights and maybe we should just wait till tomorrow to see each other. She said that she would give me time to get the lights put in and the kids go to bed and she would call me back and we would see how we felt then. I agreed and we hung up. I got all my lights put up and she did not call. By this time it was 12:30am and i figured she fell asleep. Not unusual for her to want to do something and then fall asleep 20 minutes later so I am not upset by this. I have not heard from her today and I am going to try and wait for her to call. We are supposed to go to my company Christmas party tonight so I hope she will call me to find out what time I am picking her up. If she doesn't call, I see no other choice but to call her and let her know what time. I am going to wait untill end of day because she knows the general time and this gives her a way out in case she has changed her mind. She mentioned to me that she was affraid she would be uncomfortable and I told her she shouldn't feel that way and if anyone looked at her funny I would slug them. I know if I were her I would not be looking to foward to going to something like this right now so I want to give her an easy out if she wants to take advantage of it. I on the other hand don't want her to think I don't want her to go so I think I am walking a fine line here.

Wife ended up calling me saturday afternoon to find out what time I was picking her up. She then called again about an hour before I was picking her up to tell me she felt like she had the flu and wouldn't be able to go to Christmas party. I was actually a little bit relieved because I new she would be uncomfortable and maybe a little grumpy. She called me later in the evening and asked if we could go Christmas shoping the next day. I agreed to go shopping with her. We went shopping and she wanted to come in to my place when we got back. She said we didn't have alot of time before she had to go pick up the kids and she wanted me to get in bed with her. Of coarse I did and it was nice. We snuggled on the couch a bit after and she left to go pick up the kids. The next day we had dinner at my place with the kids when she got off work. They left and I went to church. On tuesday she had a siminar for work and I took the kids to her place when I got off work. She got home shortly after us and started dinner. I was going to leave but she asked me to stay for dinner. She was very distant with me. She went out side to smoke and asked me to come out with her. I went out and messed up a little by asking her "do you know where I stand with you?" She replied yes and I asked if she would share with me. She just ignored me and we went back in. After a little while I decided to leave and she walked me to the door. I asked one more time if she was going to share with me. She said don't push, we are getting along good. I didn't say anything else. We hugged and I left.
I am having a hard time with this sitch. My patience are getting the best of me. I feel like she is just playing me to keep me around till after the holidays and she is going to go ahead with the D. I hope I am wrong, but with me feeling this way, it makes it hard to just go along status quo.

Hey, bro, things are sounding decent there.

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She went out side to smoke and asked me to come out with her.

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Good sign. That was an opportunity for you to 180 and just be there for her.

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I went out and messed up a little by asking her "do you know where I stand with you?" She replied yes and I asked if she would share with me. She just ignored me and we went back in. After a little while I decided to leave and she walked me to the door. I asked one more time if she was going to share with me.

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Yes, you messed up a little. Good that you recognize. Don't do it again! No guarantees but it sounds like you're making some decent progress. Now more than ever you got to cowboy up and quit prodding. That's pressure. It makes her feel like she's being poked by aliens. Don't do it.

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She said don't push, we are getting along good.

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Take her advice, dangit. If she can say something like that, that's good stuff. Baby steps! You've got a little sapling in the ground there that's getting some nourishment and starting to grow. Every time you ask that question is like yanking that sapling up and sticking it somewhere else in the yard. It not only stunts progress, it harms the sapling a little. Don't wear it out, bro.

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I didn't say anything else.

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Good.

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We hugged and I left.

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Also good!

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I am having a hard time with this sitch.

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We all do.

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My patience are getting the best of me.

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It gets us all. You have to just cowboy up and git'r'done.

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I feel like she is just playing me to keep me around till after the holidays and she is going to go ahead with the D. I hope I am wrong, but with me feeling this way, it makes it hard to just go along status quo

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2x4 time. I doubt she's doing that but who knows? Maybe she is. You are probably wrong, but the real issue here is you're not detaching, bro.

Your attitude right now seems to be "Oh man my W knows the future and I don't and I'm just at the mercy of whatever her plans for the future are."

That ain't gonna get you where you want to be.

What about changing your attitude to "Even my W doesn't know the future and right now the actions I take are helping to create the future so what kind of future do I want to create? One in which I'm continually miserable because I'm too dependent on my W and end up making her miserable too, or one in which I'm a strong individual and loving my W out of that strength which gives her a real opportunity to start digging that again?"

Seems to me, your wife is a little open to you, and all you're doing is making her want to close the door. Instead, when she's that open, she IS telling you where you stand with her and she's probably pissed at you for trying to force her to make some sort of declaration. I did the exact same thing to my W and it made all the good stuff I did seem insignificant by comparison.

Instead, when she's a little open, why not just give her some time and space to get comfortable leaving the door open? It'll probably make her want to open it wider when she sees she can do that without you pulling out the pokers and the prods

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Instead, when she's a little open, why not just give her some time and space to get comfortable leaving the door open? It'll probably make her want to open it wider when she sees she can do that without you pulling out the pokers and the prods

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I will thanks for the 2x4 sometimes I think a 2x4 is what I need to keep me on track.

Hi jersting. I was wondering what was going on here.

I'll quote you in bold:

Positives I see in your sitch:

• asked if we could go Christmas shoping the next day.
• she wanted me to get in bed with her.
• The next day we had dinner at my place
• We hugged
  
• we are getting along good. - (Holy cow, she said this?). Wow!

That was what jumped out at me.

Here are a few negative things I see:

I new she would be uncomfortable and maybe a little grumpy.

How did you know this? Mindreading? Maybe there's more to the story here, but I don't see it.

I went out and messed up a little by asking her "do you know where I stand with you?" She replied yes and I asked if she would share with me. She just ignored me and we went back in.

Resist the temptation to take the temperature of your R right now. Nothing good can come of it. Worst case is she tells you your worst fear. At best, it's pressuring to her.

She said don't push, we are getting along good. I didn't say anything else.

OK, so you made a few mistakes, but a good save here, I think.

My patience are getting the best of me. I feel like she is just playing me to keep me around till after the holidays and she is going to go ahead with the D.

OK, so you need to remember to be more patient. How can you stop these thoughts when you're getting impatient?

Oh, and the second sentence? More mindreading perhaps? Is she that much of an actor that all the positives I listed are just her ploy to make a nice holiday for all and then - Wham, here's the D?

How likely is that? Seems unlikely to me. I've seen it, and have heard from many others, that if they're he!!-bent for D, they won't care about stuff like the holidays. I'm sure gh and other vets would affirm this.

I hope I am wrong, but with me feeling this way, it makes it hard to just go along status quo.

So try to snap yourself out of it. Ask yourself if you're jumping to conclusions that are unwarranted? Ask yourself if you're ignoring all the small positive signs coming from your wife? Step back from the emotion and try to look at things objectively (hard I know). Imagine that everything that's happening to you is happening to me instead. What would you be telling me if you were looking in on this?

Buck up man, I think things are not as bad as you think/feel they are.

Take care, I'm pulling for you and so are many others. I know you can do this. Stay strong.

Added on edit:

Dang, toughlover types faster than I do. What I've put is verbatim what he's got....

Yeah, stoic, but you said it better and SHORTER!

I'm afraid I tend to have diarrhea of the keyboard sometimes.

Thanks Sto. I appreciate you checking on me.

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My patience are getting the best of me. I feel like she is just playing me to keep me around till after the holidays and she is going to go ahead with the D.

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I think alot of this kind of stuff I type is my way of venting to keep from saying something awful to W.

Keep venting Jersting...IF you didn't I would be able to learn what to do right!!!

You are doing great my man and TL had an amazing paragraph to you about detaching. I needed to read that.

I am so happy for your positives,, I will read more and post later.
God bless..