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I'm not sure we are quite here yet, but after moving out for a few days H called me in tears and wants to try. I feel like the hard part is just starting. How do I stay patient, distant and all that stuff, when what I really want to do is hug and kiss him. I know he isn't ready for that. I have been really good at not pressuring him up until this point. I am very nervous about messing this up.

Yesterday he said he was scared and what if we don't make it. I said I am taking it one day at a time. We talked a little about when we first met, and he said what happened to us? I said we got lazy. H said yesterday that he hates going to his place, but he is not ready to be here (our home), he misses the kids terribly, that is mostly what has brought him around. He did say he misses stuff about us as well.

We will go to counseling for sure, probably both joint and individual. I think we should think about dating.

so I need advice and help to not screw this up.

thanks

Congrats,

Sounds like your actually in a great position. Most of us don't get any talk of "working on it" at all. They just don't want to admit that. You've got a whole lot more than most.

Patience, space. Don't try to hard. Do the opposite of what your emotions tell you to do.

Good luck

Xue

Hi and welcome, glad your H is turning around.

He is most likely very scared of where he's found himself, where he's put himself and has seen he's screwed up.. and doesn't want to screw up again. That is the fear that keeps many men from coming back, before my H came back he'd say the same thing, but I always reasured him that our goal was a good one, that working together to make our M strong again would only lead to better things, that it would take time but that it would all be worth it.

You dont' have to be distant and nothing wrong w/hugging him now and then, darn it, it is so hard to be without them and it is only natural you want to do this, as long as you don't coil yourself on him all the time physical demonstrations are ok.

Dating sounds great, my H's therapist suggested that, to get to know each other better you begin at being friends again, to get back to what brought you together in the first place.

It's not all on you, so don't be afraid that things will go wrong if you dont' do such and such, be forgiving, over all keep being patient and know that sometimes you'll go back 2steps for every step forward, but it's normal and OK.

So I would say we are a work in progress. H is pretty much moved home, he still has stuff at the duplex he rented, but he lives here. Our kids are very happy about all of the this, of course and I am so glad we are working this out for their sakes as well as our own.

I am a bit frustrated with the lack of ILY's and him reaching out. I know it will take time, but I just need a little sign, a twinge of that sort of thing. Our conseling session last night went pretty well and we really talked about some stuff we needed to discuss. I am happy that we are both committed to being honest with each other.

Let's see what else. I guess it is just a bit of a sad time for me because I was hoping for the open arms love fest, and the fact that this is taking time is making me fall back into old habits of doubting myself. Very easy to do.

I guess this will be my new home, looking forward to doing some reading.

Hi Snap-
Just wanted to drop by and wish you the best. Take care of you, be patient, and keep us posted. Warm thoughts for you! Julie

Quote:

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I guess it is just a bit of a sad time for me because I was hoping for the open arms love fest,

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You and 99% of us was hoping for that, it ain't going to happen, so dont' hold your breath. My H has been back 8mths, me ML, he is affectionate, but no ILY yet, and I'm not going to push it, I will cherish what I get, and looking back I see we've come a long way from the aloof, depressed sad person who came home months ago.

Hang in there, please give him space, he needs LOADS of time, so focus on other things for now, be in charge of your own happiness, let him off the hook ok?

Snap,
You say that you're doubting yourself. What doubts do you have?

What are you doing to manage the frustration that you're not getting the signs from him to help you feel more secure and certain?

You say that you're in therapy--it sounds like it's helpful.

Concerned_Listener

thanks everyone. It helps to know that others have been through this and it does take time. H has been quiet all weekend and last night. He has had a cold so that is part of the problem, he always gets quiet when he is sick, but he also seems distracted/distant. We haven't had a relationship talk since counseling session. Mostly he is discussing with me stuff he wants/needs me to do, and the kid juggling.

We have planned out our Holiday and seem to agree, I offered and he decided it was a good idea to go see his parents late on Christmas Day and return home the next day, he only has the one day off. My relationship with his mother was a problem for him, and he has already labeled this a "milestone", my going up there with him, it will be a test, I cannot complain about a thing and I need to make nice the whole time. Grin and bear it essentially as I never said anything to her, but complained to him. Won't do that anymore. I told him in counseling that I may still be bugged by stuff, but he won't have to hear it. I also said in comparison to losing my marriage, this stuff just doesn't matter. That is the best I can do, I can't suddenly get excited about the stuff that bugs me, but I can deal with it. At least I hope so. I hate that he labeled this a test, I don't think he meant to when he noted it as a milestone, but he did. His Mom was here this weekend for a day and I made nice, at least I thought I did. I was appreciative of the stuff she did and so forth, thanked her for coming etc. I don't know, was I supposed to do more? I asked him if he was upset about something from the weekend and he said no. I guess I have to take that as the answer.

sigh

you know what they say, when I women says "no, nothing is bothering me"it means yes, something is bothering her, if a men says no, most likely it does mean no Also, remember, it is extremely hard for men to open up and talk R talk.

Add me to the bear-the-MIL-for H's sake club, she dont' like me, I don't like her, but we try. I also try my hardest to NOT complain, both of us will gain more by doing this, so let's try to not let the ol' ladies get at us ok?

As for him labeling him a test, dont' sweet about it, prob a bad choice of words in his part. I think you did plenty when your MIL came over, you dont' want to come us as insincere either, do what feels right to you.