finding out about an A does make one physically ill. It is not wrong, per se, to ask the same questions, it is just not productive and won't help you heal. He is anwering them, so that's very good, but don't crucify him w/a "why?" because A happens when men/women are out of their wits, he'll never give you the answer you seek or that will make you feel better.
Quote: But her letters reflect more than that
You will never really know what exactly happen, and trust me, it is BETTER that way, I know I learned too much and it just sicken me more. And most likely you are reading WAy more into them that what they really mean.
Is there anyway he could work elsewhere? another dept, change of offices? how often would she be around him in the work environment?
Quote: .when it gets more difficult for him..he will go running right back to her
For the first months my H was back after he left for 7m and had an A I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop, for him to tell me he really didn't want our M, that he wanted to be back with the ow, all sorts of things. It IS "normal" to feel the way you do, our minds race 100mph, we think of all sorts of scenarios, please dont' believe every thought that comes to your head ok? it is your depression that is making you think crazy thoughts.
Quote: need to tell him what to do. Does that make sense? How the heck should I know! He's the one who stripped my of it, shouldn't he be the one thinking about this?
It makes sence that he is asking you for what would make you feel better, you can't expect him to read your mind and do exactly what you want (in this case YOU don't even know what you want!) It is unrealistic of you to think that.
I told my H that when I felt bad (btw, you are very luck, most of people healing from As don't get much reasurance from their Ss) to hold me often, to tell me he'd be there for me, that I matter very much to him. To tell me he only wanted me and to just be there for me.
Quote: How should he go about earning back my trust?
Nothing in this life is guaranteed, you are asked here to give your heart again to him, to love as if you haven't been hurt even if it seems impossible. You want him to jump through hops to earn your grace, he can't, just like we could never earn God's grace, it is freely given. It is an act of faith, to put your heart in his hands again, an act of forgiveness.
I highly suggest you both go to MC, if he had an A most likely something is amiss in your M, you cannot focus on the A only, something is wrong that needs to be adressed, please go w/him to a councelor, and A is a bandaid to an ailment.
The blow of the A will soften, of course you have to face it first and then deal w/it, forgive it, and remind yourself that it was a mistake your H made and shove it to the back of your mind. Don't bury the pain, face it, forgive it and tell yourself you will not let the A get the best of you or the best of your M, fight for your M.
I don't know if you got any of the books running suggested, but the best book I've gotten to get rid of the pain of the A was "healing the hurt in your marriage" . It will hurt, but the pain will diminish, some days will be better than others, but it is possible, hang in there ok?
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
I wish my H would have doen anything to earn my trust back. He half-heartedly tried, and kept up contact with OW, so he's gone again now.
You need to think about the things that will reassure you. Start small. For example, I asked my H to put in a few extra phone calls during the day... maybe once during the day and if he would be late. Ask him to tell you if/when he sees OW, even if it's in passing. That will go a long way to show that everything is out in the open.
I also strongly suggest marriage counseling. You can talk about how to better meet each others needs. And once you start doing that for each other, you'll get to a place in your M will you will feel more confident that your H doesn't want anybody else.
This is yoru opportunity to create a new, better M. I would start with MC. Find a good one that focuses on the issues at hand... not one that delves into family history, etc...
