I don't know why I am on this forum. I feel very lost. I will try to keep my story short. My H and I have been together for 18 years ( I was 16 he 19). I have loved him from the moment I layed eyes on him. We have been married for 7 years and have two small boys. Things started to get a little out of whack when he started to work nite shifts. I work day shifts. Last year, I noticed he was depressed. He doesnt sleep becuase when he gets home he looks after the kids. Simply messed up! I responded by taking on all the family burdens..ie house cleaing, paying bills, laundry...shopping. While I thought what I was doing was helping, it ended up pulling us farther apart. I started to beg him that we need 'us' time, away from the kids...and his response to me was 'there is no us time..not until the kids are much older'. I told him there wouldnt be an us by then. So this is how it carried on for us. Just this past summer we started to make some progress. It was also at this time, I noticed different behaviours...going out with work buddies on friday nites and coming home at four in the morning....strange numbers on his cell and tons of other stuff. I approached him several times. He denied it. My heart was telling me that he would never do this to me, but my gut was telling me...hell ya..he is! Because of this I was persistent. Finally, this past Friday, I broke into an e-mail account he had and found the evidence I was looking for...71 e-mails from this woman he worked with. I confronted him and her. He has broken it off with her. We talked about why this happened. I do take my part of the responsibility of how we got where we are. None of his affair. He assures me that it had not yet become sexual, it was more an emotional affair..and she is really messed up an he is a kind man who made the mistake of showing her kindness. This is where I am at right now, this very second. I am hurt, heartbroken, angry, I HATE HIS GUTS. I feel worthless, depressed. I certainly dont trust anything he says. But becuase of our history and our family, I have forgiven him. My problem is I dont know how to move away from all these feelings I am having. I am all over the board all of the time. How do you move on from such a betrayal of trust? I am also so scared to want to beleive him because he was very good a concealing things from me, except his guilt of course. I think that because I chose to forgive him that this would be the first step of us healing our relationship. I am scared.
I'm sorry you're going through this, but glad to hear your husband wanted to end the affair and work on his marriage. That's a great thing. Not all spouses do that, some leave for the OP so the fact that he's willing to stay with you and deal with the fallout shows some character on his part.
I will tell you it's not easy dealing with all this. You will be on a rollar coaster. One book I read says it takes 1-2 years from the time of discovery to work through an affair.
My suggestion to you is read books on the topic (i.e. "After the Affair," "Divorce Busting" and "Not 'Just Friends'"), read general relationship books (many good ones are mentioned here, but just parking yourself at a Barnes and Noble or library and reading through them is good too).
Read the resources and other information on this website.
I want you to know the feelings you have are very normal and at times they may be really intense. Sometimes you'll love your husband and other times you'll hate him and have tremendous anger about the whole thing. It's totally normal and trust is not something you can automatically grant. It's something that takes time to build. In the meantime just try to work on being friends.
If you can, hire someone to clean the house, see about changing work hours so you can spend more time together. And start planning dates!!!
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
Thanks for the quick response. I will take your advice and get some of those books you suggested. Its weird, I feel almost embarrased to have to read something like that. Pretty weird. Or maybe not. We cant switch shifts, unfortunately. But I have confided in a few friends and they are being very supportive, of both of us, and have offered to look after the kids so we can get some 'us' time. My 5 year old knows somethings wrong, cause mommy cant stop crying. I try really hard to control my emotions, but I seem to not have any control over anything at this point. We are trying to work on being friend, but I am so distrustful that I am still going thru his e-mails...I wont let him have his cell phone back because I am afraid she will contact him. But regardless, I think that no matter what measures I take, if its going to happen it will. Perhaps this cant get any better if he continues to work at the same place. Every time he walks out that door, I feel like I am sending him right to her. The OW accused me of being a bad wife and basically told me that I dont know anything about his troubles. Perhaps she's right.
Quote: I feel almost embarrased to have to read something like that
Honey, I felt bad checking out Divorce Remedy at the library, but I'm so glad I did, I never believed in C and after my H left and had the A I practically run to the C's office and regretted not going earlier.
Quote: cause mommy cant stop crying.
I know it hurts lots, and I've cried a few times in front of my son, but please don't do it anymore in front of him, you are his sun and he sees you in this state he'll feel there is nothing secure for him anymore. Do cry and and let it out, but away from him.
Quote: OW accused me of being a bad wife and basically told me that I dont know anything about his troubles. Perhaps she's right.
And perhaps she is FULL OF IT. Of course she thinks she really knows him, a few talks here and there without the responsibility of kids and a household to maintain she feels she is better than you, she is a low life and don't you forget it.
Your H seeked her out of desperation, he married you out of love, remember that. She was meant to be a bandaid, you were ment to be his wife for as long and you both shall live.
The anger will be there and sometimes if feels like it will never go away, but it will, I promise, it will take months, but it can be done, you need to forgive him so you can release him and YOU from that burden.
Here is an excellent article about As:
Quote: Emotionally Retarded Men in Love
About the only people more dangerous than philandering men going through life with an open fly and romantic damsels going through life in perennial distress, are emotionally retarded men in love. When such men go through a difficult transition in life, they hunker down and ignore all emotions. Their brain chemistry gets depressed, but they don't know how to feel it as depression. Their loved ones try to kee from bothering them, try to keep things calm and serene - and isolate them further
An emotionally retarded man may go for a time without feeling pleasure, pain, or anything else, untd a strange woman jerks him back into awareness of something intense enough for him to feel it - perhaps sexual fireworks, or the boyish heroics of rescuing hff, or perhaps just fascination with her constantly changing moods and never-ending emotional crises.
With her, he can pull out of his depression briefly, but he sinks back even deeper into it when he is not with her. He is getting addicted to her, but he doesn't know that. He only feels the absence of joy and love and life with his serenely cautious wife and kids, and the awareness of life with this new woman. It doesn't work for him to leave home to be with her, as she too would grow stale and irritating if she were around full time.
What he needs is not a crazier woman to sacrifice his life for, but treatment for his depression. However, since the best home remedies for depression are sex, exercise, joy, and triumph, the dangerous damsel may be providing one or more of them in a big enough dose to make him feel a lot better. He may feel pretty good until he gets the bill, and sees how much of his life and the lives of his loved ones this treatment is costing.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Quote: she is FULL OF IT. Of course she thinks she really knows him, a few talks here and there without the responsibility of kids and a household to maintain she feels she is better than you, she is a low life and don't you forget it.
Cat is soooo right about this. Also, women who prey on married men have their own problems. You'll learn that when you read more about all this.
One more thing, if you're having a super horrible time emotionally you might want to consider asking your doctor about possibly prescribing a low level of antidepressants. I have always been completely against ADs, but I can't tell you how much 10mg of Celexa a day has made my sitch 100x easier. I never would have thought I needed anything like this, but it's a huge difference. I'm no longer on the crazy roller coaster (although sometimes I do get a little nutty still). Anyhow, I figure 6 mos to a year on this stuff and then once things settle down I'll wean off it.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
If your H has already ended the A and is willing to work on the M, then you're way ahead of many of us. My H had an A and has "ended" it many times. Each time, not quite ending it completely. It's been hell. I know you feel a whole range of emotions... adn that's good. Let yourself feel them, then move on to forgiveness. You have a real shot at not only fixing your M, but making it great! Try to look at this as an opportunity to address the things taht have been swept under the rug for years.
Cat, Great article. Hoep you don't mind, but I posted it on a few threads on the MLC board. I think a lot of our Hs are emotionally retarted. In know mine is.
Thanks Cat03. I would have responded earlier, but my head has been all over the place. It's been a pretty sh***y week for me. For the first few days, I thought I was going to have a nervouse breakdown. I cried, uncontrollably, but not in front of my children. My H and I have been pretty good about not letting the kids see. H has been good about answering my questions. Is it wrong for me to keep asking the same questions over and over again? I keep re-reading the e-mails from the OW. Its just not adding up for me...I dont know if I am looking too hard, or it's really how my H says it is...which is they mostly talked. But her letters reflect more than that. I was doing ok today and then when it got closer to the time he had to go to work, my mood changed drastically. When the H called from work, he could tell, so he wanted to talk..as we both agreed we would do when either of us was feeling down...and naturally the convo went right to 'did you see the OW? did you have break with her...' Right away he went into defensive mode and asked why I was attacking him. He said he hasnt seen or talked to her. I didnt think I was, but that's how he felt. I feel like I am in a catch 22...when it gets more difficult for him..he will go running right back to her. Its completely out of my contro. Is this post all over the place like my head? I am feeling really crappy and depressed right now. When will this all end?
Thanks aid. I have already told him that I have forgiven him. However, I feel like we are at a crossroads with the trust issue. My H says he will do whatever it takes to gain back my trust, that I need to tell him what to do. Does that make sense? How the heck should I know! He's the one who stripped my of it, shouldn't he be the one thinking about this? He says he is taking it day by day and working around how I am feeling. (which is completely all over the place, I dont know how he's keeping up!) But, is this how it should be? I have never had to think about the trust issue with him. How should he go about earning back my trust? Or is he already on the right track....going day to day. Any thoughts or words of wisdom would really be appreciated!
