Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy Exposing the affair...

Good Morning all. I have been lurking around for the past couple of weeks. Thanks to all of you who provide feedback and support...

My question is, after finding out about an affair, is the best thing to do is expose it to everyone? The hardest people to tell would be the wife's family. How do you go about doing so?

Thanks in advance...

Do you mean telling your families or telling the OP's wife?

For us, my H has told his sister, and I have 2 friends I have confided in. I don't want more people to know. I have enough guilt and shame, I don't want to have it compounded....

and for him, he feels that me cheating makes him less of a man, so he's not really for exposing it all either, except he would love to expose OM, who's getting off "scott free" .... but he hasn't - for me. Irony.

I mean telling the families. From what I have read, affairs flourish in secrecy. The only way to possibly end it is to make the affair harder to continue by exposing to everyone, thus eliminating the secret.

I don't know. For us, that's why we aren't - the reasons I stated earlier...

I exposed my H's long term EA.
Once out in the open things ended very quickly.
BUT
I caution you every single situation is different.
Sometimes it will backfire in your face.
On www.marriagebuilders.com they recommend exposing the affair.

The definition of insanity is doing the same things over and over, expecting different results. To this point, the affair has not been exposed, and such, it continues. Something new has to be tried. But I agree, it can backfire. But at this point, what is there to lose?

it all depends, I didn't learn about my H's A until it was over for a few months and he was back w/me. Had he been doing that I doubt I would've told my family, I always held hope he'd come back to me, they didnt' even know he had left our home and the kids and I.

What is there to gain? can you give us a quick synopsis of your sitch? maybe then some people here on your same shoes can recommend something.

Would it be harder for your S to continue the A if others know? would it make such a difference?

Well, I too didn't have full proof of WAH-MLCer's A until it was over. I chose to expose it & did tell a few people(family, close friends & neighbor), mainly because WAH-MLCer commented that he didn't care who knew & everyone would side w/him. (but I found out later he really did care what other thought of him)

I'm not the type of person to "sweep" things under the rug. I feel that in order to heal, the wound has to be exposed & cleaned, no matter how hurtfull it is.

Now, after all of the damage, we are separated as of August & "seem" to be doing better. WAH-MLCer still has his own issues. Still hoping & praying that we can rebuild. I have honestly forgive WAH-MLCer (BTW, that takes lots of time), but don't think he has forgiven himself or how I reacted/treated him.

If I had know what I know now, I still would have exposed the A, but could have handled our R/M better. Truly wish I had DR book a lot sooner.

This is my first post, I just signed on today. My husband had an affair with a co-worker for about a month. He has ended it and we both are determined to make our marriage work. The problems now are that they work closely together on a daily basis, which he says is very difficult, and he fell in love with her. He says it gets better every day and that he's sees her with different eyes. But he also says it hasn't really hit him yet, the reality of the whole thing. They were friends at work for years, and he says he can't be unfriendly or short with her. At the time that the affair happened, we weren't communicating much, and although we've never had any issues in the bedroom, I wonder if he will be able to fall out of love with this woman, especially since they work toghether

Here is the situation. About two months ago, I got the whole I love you, but I am not in love with you anymore. She wanted her space. She owned our home previous to our marriage, so I had to leave. Mind you all of my stuff is there and I go by the house daily. Over the course of the past two months, I found many things that hinted to the affair. Even caught her on the phone with the guy. She claimed it was just a shoulder to cry on. Whatever.

But this weekend, I heard from several people that she has indeed been fooling around. Drinking till all hours of the night at the clubs, flirting, etc. She has distanced herself from her family (I was even staying with her parents for a few weeks), and they don't know who she is anymore. What complicates matters is that she is moving to London for two years for a job.

Up until 30 minutes ago, she thought I knew nothing of what was going on. But when I told her I wanted to talk to her in person, she asked why, and I spilled the beans. Told her that many people know whats going on. She was shocked, her response was 'interesting'. Didn't even try to deny it this time around.

So, what I will gain from exposing this further is that it should help end the affair, and maybe open her eyes up to the pain and suffering she is causing everyone. Perhaps that will cause her to get help, as I truly believe she is mentally unstable at the time.

Hope that adds a bit. I've accepted the fact that there is a 99% chance that we will be ending the marriage. But maybe by waking her up, I can get back the woman I fell in love with and married. She clearly isn't that person right now.