Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy Pushing it to the limit (or Perfection 3)

Question? Shortly, our Wedding Anniversary is coming up. I'm thinking of doing a 180 and not making any plans but only responding to any suggestion my W makes. If she makes none, then nothing will happen. Fine with me!. There has been no agreement that I would take care of this. Now, if she suggests we go for dinner would it be appropriate to say "Great, where should we go?" or "I'd love to have dinner but not in celebration of our M, I don't feel that would be appropriate right now". What do you think? Any other suggestions? I'm feeling that for me to push the Anniversary dinner is just me pursuing and therefore continuing the same nonsense. Last year we went out as a family and it was a nice time. I bought a card and she actually made reservations at the resteraunt. Any thoughts here. Thanks in advance.

I think your 180 is great!! I hope she makes a suggestion, but I think it's perfect to leave it to her.

On your second question... wow, that's a tough one. I personally wouldn't go with the "not in celebration of our M" line (not so much my style, but it might work for you and it it might get her attention).

You said last year you went out as a family - would you like to do that again, or would you want to go just the two of you if she asks? I was thinking it might work to say "Great let's make it a family night and take the kids, where should we go?" That kind of implies the celebration of your family but not your M without stating it directly. What do you think?

Thanks Nikki, I think your suggestion is probably best here, to celebrate our family.
Now, W just stormed out, slamming every door within her reach. I had the audacity to step in and try and dampen an impending blowout between W and daughter. I backed her up but tried to stop her from making angry threats of discipline which won't be followed through with anyway, I said "please, let's not do this right now" . W turned on me! I told her I was trying to stop the blowout that we both know was about to happen. It's an easily recognized pattern. I suggested if there is a better way for me to do so, please let me know. Instead she ranted on about how she isn't allowed to "strike back" when someone "starts something" with her in this house. I said 'She's 12 years old, you and I are not" I told her that I know that at times I do this angry disciplining too. She replied angrily "did I say you did, did I accuse you of that!" I don't remember the convo that followed but at one point I just said "I think you're very angry right now and looking for a fight, I am not willing to take part. Let me know if you'd like to discuss this later" and returned to what I was doing. She said loudly "Oh, now I'm just looking for a fight!" and I replied "that is how it appears to me". She stormed over to D and told her "Your friends are no longer welcome in this house" then began slamming things and stomped angrily up the stairs. Later when lunch was ready younger D asked if she should go and get mom, I said "it's up to you but I wouldn't if I were you" She did and W told her "I have no family to eat, with so go eat with your perfect father who will protect you at all times" I kept my cool big time through all this, despite still feeling rather ill! This could have ended in a horrible blowout (it's happened before) but I refused. did I handle it perfectly? Probably not but it was in the heat of battle, did my best. Eldest D felt terrible about what happened and I told her "Yes, you are responsible for your behaviour in this situation but you are not responsible for anyone elses" So we may see W again today or not, it's her choice. she probably ran off to OP to complain about her horrible H. I feel no guilt here!

Oh just in case anyone is curious, the "big fight" was because my D used an inappropriate tone with her mother! So W is going to take away all D's sleep over party priveledges forever! Sounds rational to me, NOT. And she can't figure out why I stepped in? This is a repetitive pattern with W and D. Once I stopped W from physically slapping D during a "blow out", she has never gotten physical since. But, she just falls into a rage when dealing with this child. She tells me she needs to learn to walk away but NEVER does. She just ends up verbally slapping the child around in revenge, getting her shots in, there is no parenting or discipline involved. That is why I stepped in.She was just using her power to grind the kid into the ground. She turned on me but, hell, better me than our kid. I doubt I'll see her till late, now it's my turn to suffer cuz she won't come home. Wow, in my eyes, that's like winning the friggin lottery today

Hi Whatisis !

Just checking in. Yes, N. Ontario is absolutely beautiful.. although Tamagami is not quite what it used to be as far as getting away from it all as "civilization" keeps creeping northward !?

It is hard to watch your spouse "interact" that way with a child. You have so many conflicting feelings.. You did the best thing you could do... you put yourself in harms way and took it off your D.. Good for you !..

The first and only time that my W slapped my oldest son across the face (which sort of finally opened up my eyes to her issues)for a "funny look".. I did the same thing... albeit a little too late. However, I made sure that the conflict level never reached that point again.

It looks like Ben was sort of disappointed we did not take his thread to a new HJ level this weekend btw

Hang in there !

Tom

Hey Whatisis. It's unfortunate to have your wonderful daughters in those kind of abusive confrontations with your W. How old is the youngest? The 12Yr old might be better able to cope, but I can see the anger in how your W is dealing with them and I applaud you in your handling of it. It just breaks my heart to see these 2 young girls have to go through with that. My W recently had an ugly confrontation with our D7 over some manners! My D does need to show more respect to adults, especially mom and dad, but she tends to get upset whenever her convserations with me are interrupted by my W. D said some remarks to W about that, and W lost it. She got so upset she took a large plate and smashed it in the kitchen and started yelling at D. I was shocked, and D was shaking, crying, W was crying. I understood my W's point of view, and I wanted my D to stop arguing. Man, they were both going at it. I never knew my W to lose it like that with D, and she complained that D was always telling my W how "mean" she was, which p.o.'d W even more. Well, I was about to discipline my D, and restrained myself in dealing with W at the time. I let the sitch unwind itself, and had a talk with D. Later, I had a talk with W, who was going through some weird emotions at that time. I hate these kind of abusive confrontations from W, and I hate seeing W and D fight so bitterly. Makes me wonder if W is truly sane at times??? I just want to be sure that there are no future blow outs like that.


Well, that was about 2 weeks ago. Our sitch has completely gone 180 now, and I hope it will last. W is starting to come around, but I wonder if it's jut to have someone other than ex-OM to lean onto? Hmm, not sure, but I need to stop having these "second guesses" pop into my mind. I sincerely believe we connected somehow yesterday, but like you told me, I won't take her really good days and cold days with me too seriously, though I did enjoy her recent "warming up" to me!

Again, you did the best you could do in handling your sitch! I'm sure you were fuming while that was going on, but you kept your cool. I did the same thing, and it was very, very hard for me to control my anger with both W and D. Consider it a major 180! I'm sure there will be more of these outbursts down the road, but we can be the peacemakers!

Congrats on keeping your cool during the altercation between your W and D. I have trouble holding mine in still not nessecairly with the W as you know more with the Phsyco MIL because she is completly brainless when it comes to any thought process.

Also as far as the aniversery. I would go the family day route because I am sure you really do not want to celebrate your M at this point in time but a family celebration is always a good thing. Take care and hang in there brother. By the way I was really dissapointend in you guys this weekend....

Thanks for the support, guys. I just don't know what else I was to do. If I let it go then it escalates into a situation that could become physical. I have set my boundaries in that I only step in when this type of situation occurs. Normally, I let W make her own bed and deal with her R with the children. Anything I do that points out a "fault" on her part is totally unacceptable to her (although she has no problem ripping a strip off me in front of the kids). I am proud that I kept my cool. It is just so easy to let go and get into a real brawl. The last one that is what happened and I said alot of things that shouldn't have been said (some that needed to be as well!). I DO NOT want to manage my sitch based on angry emotions. Bad decisions get made that way. Last time I threatened to end the M, not a good move when it's based on anger rather than hard thought. So, W returned about 9:30 pm, changed and went to bed in the basement. No contact at all. Today, she kept our bedroom door closed as she changed: message: STAY THE HELL OUT. So I did. The girls were quite worried that mom wouldn't come home so I had to re-assure them that mom was just angry at me and that she would come back, not to worry. How selfish can you be to leave your kids worrying about whether you are going to come home or not. At least phone and tell them you'll be home late. I'm a big boy, trash me if you want but treat the kids properly!!! Act like a friggin mother instead of child. You know, this was one of her complaints about me, I expect her to act like an adult! What a bastard, eh!

I know the feeling brother. Nothing you can do about it though other than stand your ground, reassure your kids, and be their rock. Of course you already know this so just keep it up your are doing the right thing. Just remember to make sure that the kids know that mommy still loves them know matter how much of a selfish B!tch our spouse can be durring this process. They are completely out for themselves and if it does not go their way they pout and storm off like a 2 year old.

Again you already know all of this but it does not hurt to reiterate it every now and then.

Later,
O

Well, I am at home now, back on the front lines. Apparently W refused to talk to the children this morning. What a laugh, here's the woman that doesn't want to leave because of the children yet she's refusing to speak to them. She called me once this morning, very cheery! Apparently she lost her credit card and needed the number to call and cancel it. So, we'll see what walks through the door tonight. I wouldn't be surprised if she pulled the old "not coming home and not calling to let you know" trick. So folks if she moves into the basement, my on line time will decrease, just dub me OSU II. Gotta go man the outer perimeter now, can't let her outflank me! I'll check in as things allow. Now going to radio silence