Hi Once, thanks for dropping by!! Yes, I've been encouraged that he's at least responding to some things. I definitely don't feel like we're out of the woods yet or even very close, but I have more hope than I did at the beginning (used to be a thin thread... now maybe a piece of yarn?? ). I hope it's not all just an act to get through the holidays or something. He's very good at NOT hurting me which is good in some ways but can kind of be a curse because it means he can be hiding things. Just trying to keep positive!!
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
This is so odd… I keep feeling this overwhelming feeling of dread today. Like another bomb’s about to drop, or something. Is this normal? Am I just freaking out because things went too well this weekend or something?? I’m trying hard to shake it but “that” feeling’s really getting to me today. It's nothing H did or didn't do, I just have that "maybe I should start packing my stuff" feeling. Yuck!!!
On a separate note, I added one more goal for this week – just posting it here to keep myself accountable:
Find some way – whatever it takes!! – to either force myself to be positive during conversations about the OW, or find a way to stop or avoid them. I know I keep saying here that I need to do it and I’ve improved for sure, but I need to do better. I do well for awhile but then end up saying something that H defends, and this pattern’s gotta stop!
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
Nikki- First of all, sigh... I am so jealous of your night of 'entertainment' w. H.
Sounds like things are going positive. But of course, it's normal for you to be waiting for the other shoe to fall. Keep focusing on the baby steps, but don't try to rush them- you need to fix whatever got you here or you'll be back.
It soundslike MC is going to be great for you. And H seems very receptive. Don't backslide on the DBing- keep it up. You know now more than ever that it's extremely helpful and necessary. Don't lose ground.
Good luck. So nice to hear things are going well for you. I needed the positive news to improve my PMA. Julie
Don't really know how to help you on your new goal. My H wouldn't ever talk about OW unless I asked.
I think that it is normal for you to feel how you are right now. Because of the great weekend you had, now your mind is thinking all sorts of things, and you also have to make sure you keep detatching because what if it was all just meaningless (which I don't believe though) and you don't want to set yourself up.
Also, I think it might have been okay to say to your H.. "Then do you feel that you are single?" without sadness or emotion but just so you understand HIS situation better. Not sure if he would have answered truthfully, but anyways, since you were already on the subject, I don't think it would have been bad to ask that, as long as your reaction wasn't biting his head of if he had said yes, or crying, or whatever, but just validating only.
Well. I think it was also okay to request him to not go alone with her, but don't expect on the results being exactly how you asked. Unfortunately, he's in a different state of mind, and just isn't seeing thru the fog yet. I know, it's like, how retarded, blind, stupid are you!?! Don't you get it?!??
Just concentrate on GAL and try not to think about the sitch, you are on a rollercoaster and are going to have feelings go up and down, it's only normal.
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
Hey, I just read a little libido article and it mentions antidepressents causing a low sex drive because most of them contain a chemical which leaves women feeling no urge to have sex. Of course it says Depression itself can also do that too.
Just another thought to help you out! or confuse you more!
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
I hope you all have some plans and are not alone today. Nikki, just keep the mental attitude positive. (Trust me, I know, it's hard to do... but 'as if'... and you can at least be happy that you pulled it off one more day). Enjoy any time you have with H. All the food today, will help you stop saying things you shouldn't...just put another fork full in your mouth. It really helps!! :-)
Hi all, thanks so much for the posts and support! I need to catch up on everyone else's threads too. I hope everyone had a good Thanksgiving.
Julie - wish I wasn't posting due to things going well, it had more to do with getting ready for Thanksgiving and being really down this week (darn rollercoasters).
I found out Monday that the OW and her H had a really horrible weekend and that they've decided to finally file for D. She's been a wreck and hasn't been showing up to work, so H has been going over to "support" her every day after work. Her roommate's been there and they've been inviting me to dinner so I know nothing THAT bad is going on but it still upsets me.
I was doing pretty well earlier in the week, but I'm still letting things get to me too much. I took Tues-Fri off this week to prepare for the big Thanksgiving get together. Even though only 3 of us were "my" family and the other 16 were H's, I knew I'd be doing most of the work. ALL I asked H to do were the handful of things that were especially hard for me - pick up the turkeys, be home to help carry in the groceries, and pick up the rental chairs. Apparently that was too much to ask.
Tues afternoon I called to confirm what time he'd be home so I could plan the big grocery trip... he told me a time, I shopped. Got home, no H, no answer on the cell. I freaked out - I mean, lost it. I don't think I have ever been so angry in my life. It was the first time I have ever nearly punched a hole in the wall. I used most of the angry energy to bring the groceries into the house (luckily not much breakable stuff!). The stuff that was too heavy for me to carry I threw in a pile in the middle of the driveway. Then I did all H's normal chores - took the trash out etc. but I just couldn't shake the anger. I paced around for awhile then packed up a bag to take off... went in to go to the bathroom first, and heard H opening the front door. I locked myself in the bathroom until I could at least slap a smile on my face, but I couldn't talk to him or even look at him. It was very weird!!! I decided not to leave but kept cleaning the house with this fake smile on my face. H kept asking me to come sit and watch a movie with him and I just kept politely saying "No thanks." It took about an hour but he finally apologized - he helped me mop the floors and we did end up watching the movie but things were TENSE. He gave me some lame excuse about thinking the grocery store would be busy so he thought he had more time and I just said "Forget it, I don't want to hear it."
Wednesday night we went out to dinner and he started talking about OW and her Thanksgiving plans AGAIN. I absolutely lost it... told him they better not be planning on her "dropping by" behind my back unless he was hiring Jerry Springer's bodyguards. He said "Wow I didn't know you were still so mad from last night" and I told him why I had shut the door, that I had almost punched the wall. He told me "It doesn't help, you just end up breaking your hand." I told him I was angry that he cared more for her and her feelings than he did for me, and that he had so little respect for me he couldn't do the one thing I asked. I know I made him feel awful. Ugh. I am so angry at myself for ruining what could've been a really nice dinner out and build those positive memories.
Anyway... he apologized and promised me several times that there was no way she would drop by and that he had told her not to. H also told me to let him know right away if I saw her car out front and he'd take care of it. He also kept telling me that she cares about me, asks about me, considers me her friend, etc. I said that she's most definitely NOT my friend...forget what else I even said.
Thanksgiving morning I apologized for flipping out. I told H that what I will try my hardest not to respond or talk to him about her unless it's something I really need. In this case I really needed him to understand that I couldn't handle her showing up and that I should've been able to tell him that calmly. He agreed and I asked him to help me by telling me when he sees me starting to "flip" from calm to angry. He said "I wish I hadn't let her become my good friend" and also that he wished he could just disappear so no one would get hurt. I told him that would just hurt all of us even more. I asked him what more I could do to make this work better so we can stop having this same dumb fight and he said he didn't know. Awhile later he said "You just don't want me around her at all, do you?" I said the truth is I think he wants OW and I to be best pals and it won't happen, and I want her to just disappear without hurting him which also won't happen. Since neither of us can get what we want, I asked if he was willing to try and think of a middle ground we could agree on, and he said yes. We didn't talk more about it yet so I don't know what that'll be, but I think we'll probably talk about it with the MC this week.
After all that all the aunts and uncles and grandparents started arriving. I tried to act "as if" but I know I didn't do that great of a job. I kept a smile on my face and all that but I was pretty distant - I kept feeling the tears welling up and it was easier not to cry if I stayed "busy" cooking and cleaning, so I didn't do a lot of visiting. Everyone kept asking about next year's plans and I just didn't know what to say.
So I have no idea how things are going. I feel like H really is trying to work on things with me but it's like we're stuck, and at times I'm being really destructive to our M and I don't know why. We used to never talk about our problems, now we talk about it but it seems like we aren't moving forward very well. I keep trying to tell myself that there are lots of positives too. I mean, he still cares enough that he felt bad about what he did... he still wants to go out and do things with me and spend time with me... he is giving suggestions for ways we can do things better. And I'm able to act happy a lot of the time so we do have good interactions together. That's all positive, right?? But things still feel so dark right now. It's almost like I CAN'T let the good part stay good... I should have been able to this week and I messed it up. <sigh>
Saturday should be another adventure. H wants to bring OW along to a party we're invited to. The funny thing is that she's met these people and doesn't like them - in fact she threw a big fit to H about how they were rude and disrespectful to her after we all went boating one time last summer. It's the same friends we saw last weekend when I had that really great night. In fact at one point one of the guys (single) asked about her and H TOLD them about her little fit and that she probably wouldn't go out with him because of the boating trip. After that one of the guys' girlfriends came over to me and said "Wait, she's H's friend, not YOUR friend?" and I said "Yes" and she freaked out... "Honey I am so sorry, I didn't know that. I thought she was YOUR friend. I can't believe this.. I think I hate her now!" Pretty funny actually. I told H that I didn't really think it was a good idea for OW to go given that she already dislikes these people, they know it, and the host's girlfriend has decided she hates her, but that if he still wanted to bring her with us it was fine with me. I won't be surprised if H pulls his pouting "let's just not go anywhere" thing so I may end up going without him. If we do bring her I should have no problem looking good while she makes an idiot out of herself though!
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
Nikki- Can't wait to hear how the saturday party goes. Let me know.
Wanted to let you know that you weren't alone yesterday. It was much more awkward than I even imagined it would be. Now to look forward to Christmas.
I think you 2 are doing a good thing trying to come to a compromise on the OW issue- it's very mature of you to realize that what you want to happen may not be realistic. And when you start to feel yourself get angry, visualize that stop sign. You have to make a mental break and get cooled down so to stop that crazy cycle. You missed some good opportunities there so don't throw those away again.
Have a great weekend. And definitely go to the party even if H isn't. You matter. Julie
I'm just a newbie here. I read your thread with great interest since my H and I are in repair after a whole heap of stuff went down last year MLC and EA with a work friend. I read through part one and now this current thread and honestly girl I have to say that it sounds to me as though in your relationship there is no 'boundaries' with how your H interacts with OW. There are three people in your marriage.....H, you and OW....now how is that supposed to work? You freely admit that your H is having an EA with OW....so when does that become unacceptable? When the EA turns PA? How do you know that hasn't already happened? Is EA more 'acceptable' than a PA....to me an EA can be way more damaging. Why are you being a doormat and letting your H carry on an EA with OW? You have very few boundaries as far as I can see.....OW is an intimate part of your H's life and your life....like I said there are three people in your marriage. You deserve way better than that, why can't you see that?
). I hope it's not all just an act to get through the holidays or something. He's very good at NOT hurting me which is good in some ways but can kind of be a curse because it means he can be hiding things. Just trying to keep positive!!