Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy EA, being "friends" with OW, and Boundaries Part 2

Hi Stilltryin,

You make some great points about the “B”/ “bad vibes” thing with OW. I’d love to never mention her but I’m kind of forced into it by my H. He talks about her constantly and tries to bring her places with us. But you’re right that it’s very out of character, and not in a good way, for me to act nasty to her. I can’t talk to her about it – she would almost certainly twist anything I said and use it against me or to draw H closer. She’s done this so many times to so many couples, I don’t think she finds anything wrong with it so convincing her it’s wrong would be nearly impossible.

The more I think about it, I will ‘compete’ and definitely take the suggestion from the MC to really be physically close to my H when she’s around. Flirt with him, compliment him, be right there instead of hanging back watching the two of them act like infatuated high schoolers. I won’t act like she’s my friend because she’s not, BUT I’ll be civil and don’t think I’ll do the nasty looks thing. I just don’t know that I have it in me and you’re right, it lessens my character. I’m better than that.

I hope I’ll have a firmer grasp on where H’s mind is after his MC tonight, although I don’t know if I will. I can’t seem to find the DR book locally so I ordered it from Amazon today and look forward to reading it.

Excellent reminder to journal what works and doesn’t, too.

I don’t know if this counts as an “it worked” – any thoughts? H called to ask me to get online and see if the ski resort was open yet. My heart sank and I felt sick that after our talk he was asking me to help plan his day with her - but I looked and said that opening day’s tomorrow. And he said “I want to go on Saturday with N and B, is that cool?” (a couple, the former friends of OW’s). I said “Yes” but in a kind of unhappy tone, and then he said “If it’s any consolation to you, [OW’s name] isn’t going, just me, N, B, and maybe another guy from work.” I barely knew how to respond but I said “That is great news for me and for us, thank you for doing that and for telling me. I’m excited that it’s opening day and you finally get to go!” He seemed unhappy that she’s not going but happy that he is going and that I’m excited for him. At the very least it’s positive because it’s one less day that they’re hanging out together, but I have a shred of hope that maybe he’s also doing it out of respect for me and my feelings. And of course, a shred of doubt that the lies are starting…. <sigh>… but I’m trying to have faith in him.

Hi Elllie,

Yes, definitely a bummer deal. I’m glad I got the juvenile form since the adult form keeps on coming back forever while the juvenile one doesn't, but wish I hadn’t gotten it at all!

Thanks for the info about other possibilities for the Osteoporosis. I feel like I have so much on my plate right now it’s hard to deal with one more thing, but I need to follow up on it sooner or later and sooner is probably better. I will check on those other tests and see if I can talk my doc into them. Thanks for the information! My doc is really frustrating me because she seems to think I’m a hypochondriac or something every time I get worried about a health issue. She’s better than the other docs I’ve had through this health plan but still not great. Nature of a lot of the HMOs these days I guess.

I recently got back a cholesterol test and had VERY low cholesterol numbers which worried me. I know it can be associated with depression and it seems to me like it would be linked to other things, too. My doc and a second opinion doc were both thrilled with them though, so that had me entirely confused. Here were my numbers:

Total Cholesterol: 137
HDL: 56
LDL: 69
Ratio: 2.5
Triglyceride: 62
Non-HDL cholesterol: 81

Any thoughts??? Is 137 insanely low for total or am I worrying about it for no reason? I tried to find some of my older test results and couldn’t track them down so I don’t know how much of a change this is.

Thanks for your input!!

Thanks Julie! I like your feel good idea for the day, that's a good one. I need to think of some more ideas for that. Maybe I'll work on that list tonight while H is at his MC session. I am a nervous wreck about it for some reason.

Don't worry about what you can't control. Take a deep breath. Work on your feel good list. Watch a funny show (The Office is on soon). And relax. How great would it be to act as if when H comes home. Maybe take a bath and drink some wine and be really relaxed like you expect his session to have gone well. Just a thought. Julie

Stilltryin – I forgot to mention, the MC actually isn’t from Michele’s office. She’s been through training sessions/seminars with Michele and believes in general in the DB/DR principles, and was highly recommended by Michele, but it isn’t the only approach she uses. She said she combines several approaches that she’s found effective but that her overall philosophy is short term and solution based therapy.

Just wanted to clarify that in case anyone’s thinking that she’s one of the phone counselors that you get if you sign up on the DB site.

Awesome ideas Julie - thank you!! Acting as if I just KNOW it went well... <slapping forehead>... why didn't I think of that?? Deep breaths... thanks.

As far as your cholesterol goes - it's not freakishly low. If you told me you had a good family history (no heart disease) and ate a really healthy diet, I probably wouldn't make much of it.

That being said - there are some medical issues that can cause low cholesterol - including malabsorption (another reason to check for celiac disease) and hyperthyroidism (another autoimmune condition, probably worth checking also).

I used to have a very low cholesterol (120's) when I was a skinny vegetarian in my 20's - but also it's possible, in retrospect, that it was an early subclinical sign of the hyperthyroidism I developed a few years later.

Ellie

Oh my gosh... I had to come here and share.

I talked to H a bit ago. I called him to happily share how good I did on the treadmill tonight (.5 mile, doesn't sound like a lot but it's a milestone for me!). He likes hearing about my progress health and physical wise usually so I thought he'd want to know.

I was very surprised but he had just left the MC - he was there for TWO HOURS. The man rarely says 2 words about his feelings and he was there two hours. Can I just say I love this MC?? The fact that she'd talk to him a whole extra hour is just amazing. She acted like she almost felt bad taking my check yesterday when I paid her for November which I thought was strange too. I feel like giving her triple pay next time!!

Anyway - H sounded really, really horrible. After I shared my treadmill news he was trying hard to fake a happy tone and said "That's great." Then I asked if the MC went OK. He said "I guess." Then I said "Want to talk about it?" and he said "I feel like s**t."

Ugh.

So I said I was sorry he felt so bad, I had hoped the MC would be helpful, and did he want to talk about it. He said no but then immediately blurted out "I can't believe I ever became friends with [OW's name]. I knew better. Now I have to figure out how to push her out of my life."

WOW

WOW

WOW

I feel absolutely awful that H is feeling so bad and I wish I could fix it, but I can't. I know he wishes he could go back in time and un-do it too.

I asked him to tell me if there was anything I could do to help and he said he would. I promised to support him and told him I loved him and cared about him, and understood how hard this would be to do. He also said he hoped he'd be fired so he wouldn't have to quit (I guess they've been on a firing "spree" at his work lately). He's got open job offers at other shops that his friends own or work at - it's a bit less money and not quite so nice places, but a job loss wouldn't be a huge deal for him/us. He could be back working in less than a week easily.

I tried to talk about other things a bit because he seemed to want that.. didn't want to hang up but didn't want to talk too much about the MC. So we talked about some of his other friends, the crazy traffic accident I saw this morning, funny stuff that happened at work, how my sales were going good on eBay.. little things. Maybe it was a mistake but I asked, truly enthusiastically, if he was excited to ski on Sat. with B and N. I really want him to understand that I am encouraging him to do stuff he enjoys with his non-toxic friends whether I can do it or not. He said he was never skiing again and he wanted to return the pass. I asked if he had liked the skiing or just the time with OW and he said the skiing, so I said he should still go and I was sure he could find other friends to go with. He said maybe and even named a few people, but that he didn't want the pass to "her" ski place.

I didn't ask about the status of "us" or if he'll go to the next MC session with me - I felt like it would be pressure and rushing things big time. So, for all I know he still wants out of "us" but has just realized how toxic she is. I'm trying not to get my hopes up too high. But I am so thrilled that the MC got through to him that OW is not a good person for him to have in his life. I was very scared about her putting this pressure on him but it seems she could tell it was an OK time. At least I hope so.

Before we hung up I asked if he was on his way home or going to drive around a bit (he finds driving around therapeutic). He said he didn't know, probably drive around. But then he said out of nowhere "Don't worry I'm coming home. To you. Tonight, I mean. It won't be too late I just don't know exactly when, but I'll be home and it'll be tonight." I didn't ask for any of those reassurances, he just offered them. I told him I'd be here and call me if he needed me or just wanted to talk, even about nothing.

Of course now it's getting late and he's not here and my mind is racing... trying to use the ol' stop sign though. This was HUGE and will be tremendously hard for him and I know I need to give him time and space to deal with it. He's so dark sometimes that I'm terrified he's one of those people who's secretly suicidal, but in my heart I don't think so. And I HAVE to stop worrying. Maybe it's time for that bath and glass of wine.

We have a heckuva long way to go. There's still whatever action he decides to take to get away from her (I'm not dumb, I KNOW this will cause her to try and tighten her grip). And there's still a lot of work to fix the problems that allowed this to happen and figuring out how to find our connection and passion for life and each other again. No small tasks, for sure. But just the fact that he said it, to me, that he needs her out of his life - I am so glad for that. I have no idea how he's going to go to work tomorrow - his job involves seeing her over and over all day long (she runs the parts department and he's a mechanic.. can't really avoid her!), but I have to leave that to him.

I'm off to try and stop worrying and do something relaxing. I need to check in with all of you and promise I will tomorrow or this weekend. Tonight I need to get my mind off this for awhile.

Thanks for all your ongoing support, and please keep us in your thoughts. We may have turned a corner tonight. I sure hope so.

Nikki -
here's the deal in your sitch. Your H's conscious, rational mind can see what the OW is. BUT - he's bummed at giving her up because he has to give up the dopamine rush he was getting from the flirtation (or affair, or whatever it was). Sometimes that dopamine withdrawal is too much for them, and they have to go back to get their "fix" (read through fixzzle's old threads on Piecing - the oW in her case was a similar type of predator).

SO...my point in all this being, you have to help your H get that dopamine rush from YOU. You need to start pulling some 180's, surprising him, keeping him guessing - make it so he'll WANT to rush home, just to see what you'll surprise him with next. New clothes, new haircut, rearranged furniture, new undies, whatever ... guys seek novelty, and H doesn't want to climb back into the same old rut - so let him see he can go in a new direction WITH you.

Ellie

Thanks Ellie for the additional info about the cholesterol. It helps to hear that from another doctor, that's for sure! My diet's reasonably healthy and my family's health history isn't fantastic but it doesn't include heart disease.

I'll see if I can get my doc convinced to help me look into it further. Wish me luck!