Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy EA, being "friends" with OW, and Boundaries Part 2

Wow - I locked up my first thread! So here's a new one.

Thanks to those of you who commented about the antidepressants. I understand where you're coming from, but I've also lived with people who truly had chemical imbalances all my life so I've seen it and know it's very real. My dad's bipolar and the manic/depressive cycles are truly amazing. My grandma "went to bed" and refused to get out of it for 3 years until the ambulance took her to the mental hospital... my mom is so bad you can just see it in her face, it's like she CAN'T smile. This is actually the 4th doc in 12 years to suggest it to me, so I'm ready to give it a try but I will monitor it very closely. I'm hoping to use it just like someone mentioned, like a crutch to give me a little extra help right now on top of the other changes I'm making.

Today I wanted to post a positive "journal" entry for a change. I am sooo loving the view from the top of the rollercoaster right now!! I know the next drop is ahead, but last night was so wonderful and I want to look back at this next time I'm down.

H got home later than he was supposed to and I was on my way out the door when he got home. He looked surprised and said "I thought we were going out?" I said "So did I, but it was getting late so I assumed you made other plans and so did I." He said really wanted to take me out to dinner, so I ran a couple of errands then came home, got all dressed up, and did my hair really nice.

We had a good dinner, talked about little things and then he said he thought the MC was really going to help us. He liked the "approach it as if it's a new relationship and see if it's what you want" concept. I was so surprised. He also told me that EA/OW's boyfriend is leaving his wife for the OW (hope that wasn't too hard to follow). He was glad she'd have someone to hang around with so she wouldn't invite herself along with us so much. He actually seemed relieved. He used to be scared that if she ever had a "real" boyfriend that he'd lose his friend, so that was a big change.

We decided to go by an old friend's house to play pool after dinner (interestingly, a friend I realized we hadn't seen in a long time and I found out it's because he somehow offended OW awhile back). This guy is a good friend of H's and is very charismatic, and has ALWAYS flirted with me (but in a very innocent way). Halfway through dinnner H tells me "You're really going to "wow" [friend's name] tonight. You know he's always had a thing for you." I just smiled and said "I know." Then H said "You're kind of wow'ing me, too."

We got to friend's house and he complimented me on how well I was getting around. Then he stepped back and said "Damn, you're hot! Call me later after your H is asleep!" and gave me a big hug. Then his OTHER guy friend came over and did almost the same. Wow, talk about an ego boost. We hung out, played pool, etc. - nothing too exciting but I was smiling, dancing when good songs came on the radio, being flirty - and I had a few good talks with a couple of the wives/girlfriends that were there.

Then H's friend asked me if I'd pose for a collage that he's making. He owns an auto shop and had this "Mac tools" shirt - the kinda shirt you'd see on toolbox calendars. He's putting together a collage (for his house and for the tool guy) with all of his female "sexy friends" in this shirt, and kept telling me "you're beautiful, you HAVE to be in it! It won't be complete without your picture!" (you'd have to know the guy... he's one of few who can get away with this and not tick off the boyfriend/husband). I am normally WAY too self conscious to do something like this and H was trying to help me talk my way out of it and I thought "180 time!" so I asked where the shirt was. I thought it was going to look awful on me but it actually didn't!! I came out of the back room and H's eyes about popped out of his head. Then H and his friend helped me "pose" for the pictures - nothing revealing, just tight shirt pictures, but it was so much fun!!! They were telling me how to pose and doing my hair. H kept saying "Oh yeah, this is going to be a good shot" and asked his friend to give him the negatives so he can get enlargements!!

As we were leaving H apologized that he hadn't seen his friend in so long and said "I'll be coming around more, I miss you man!" H always hated it when his friends would find a girlfriend or get married and stop hanging around with their "old" friends. I think he started realizing that he was doing this by spending so much time with EA/OW. He's only really comfortable being around her when they're with a group of his new friends, and she finds ways to dislike all his old friends - so rather than leave her out he was leaving them out. He's starting to realize it. Yay!!!

When we got home it was really late and we were headed for bed when H grabbed me and said "Oh my god, you are so gorgeous." He lit a bunch of candles in the living room and we...well without saying too much... had a LOT of fun for the next 2 hours. 2 hours!! That hasn't happened since the first 3 months we were dating!!! He kept stopping to hold my face in his hands, look me in the eyes, and say "You are so gorgeous, I am so lucky." He even kissed me like we haven't kissed in years. We fell asleep on the floor together and only woke up when it got really cold in the house.

Wow, wow, and wow. I know it won't be like this every day but I am feeling SO good today. I'm exhausted and my back is killing me from sleeping on the floor, but I don't even care. This morning I said innocently "So, that was fun" and H flashed me this HUGE grin and gave me a kiss. We're both kind of doing our own thing today, but anytime we see each other we've been hugging or sharing smiles.

This feels so good... I hope we can keep it going!!

Congratulations! It sounds as if the counseling is working for you guys. In a demonstrable way.

I'd say "keep up the good work," but that might sound clever...

Wow. I am really so jealous right now. My H has only said "you are so gorgeous" in those exact words to the OW, which I read on one of his texts, and that word has never been used in a sentence with my name in it. I know I am lucky too, and you might be jealous that I've got my H back already and your still in the sitch of getting yours back, so I appologize for bringing it up! shame on me.

I am just really proud of you. Do you see how confidence changes a man's view of you? His friends obviously saw the change in you, and it wasn't just a physical change either, they saw a change on the inside. You just keep thinking about that night and whenever you feel down about yourself go back to it!!!

I found this page online and thought it might interest you. Although it seems geared towards a woman having an EA, but it still works the otherway around.


7 signs of emotional afair


One thing that I started doing to my H, was sending him very provacative pics of me to his phone.. he loved it. It sounds like maybe your H was really missing out on the "sexual" part of the R. not just sex, but you initiating, or flirting with him, looking sexy, etc. Doing those things is a big ego boost for men, and it makes them feel loved. That For Women Only book talks about that. Have you got a chance to read it yet?

Anyways, I hope you have a great Thanksgiving, and you just continue your confident sexy appealing self!

I also feel sorry for the OW boyfriends wife...what a feeling that must be for you too, thinking, gosh, I could help this woman out but then what will happen in my R. Have you ever met the boyfriend or his wife?

talk to you soon

Oh, was also going to mention. Of course we are all major depressed.. our Spouses are trying to leave us!!!! I say that because of the drug things. I truely believe that ( unless there is really something physically wrong chemically) we can all get thru these times without the use of drugs.

Just from experience, I know that by eating healthier, and cutting out the sugar will help you feel better and excerising will too because it will give you more energy and all of that will just make you feel better all around.


So...I'm glad you are going to be cautious about it.

Thanks Stilltryin! I am still pretty blown away by it myself - I don't think anyone's ever used that word to describe me before either. I hope I'm not reading too much into last night but for the first time I feel like my H may be on the way back too!! I would be so happy if we can reconnect without ever completely separating and moving out etc. I'm so glad that things are going well with your H, too.

Yes, I did get a chance to read "For Women Only" and it was GREAT - thank you so much for the recommendation! Between that and what the MC said about him being a very visual person, I really feel like I'm understanding H a lot better these days. I can't believe it took me this long to learn how differently people perceive things. I like your phone pic idea!! If I can figure out how to do it I might try that too.

Thanks for the page about the EA! Interesting, for sure. I kind of want to ask H to read it but I need to keep biting my tongue on the whole EA/OW thing and leave that conversation in the hands of the MC for now.

And yes, I feel awful for the OW boyfriend's wife. I actually DO think she's better off without him from what I've seen. They have 2 kids - I think one's around 5 or 6 and I know one's an infant (OW brought the boyfriend to a party at our house while he left his wife at home with the newborn... classy). I've never met the wife but I've met the boyfriend and he's a jerk. I'm fairly sure he's been cheating with various women the whole time they've been married, and he also treats OW really badly. H can kind of tolerate him, but no one else where they work can stand to be around him, and he's a total pig to women. It really bothers H how badly he treats OW and he's constantly trying to tell her how much better off she would be going back to her H. When she said no way to that, he actually tried to set her up with other people so she'd be with someone who treats her better. Personally I think the OW and boyfriend deserve each other, I just wish the spouses and kids weren't facing so much hurt.

I guess the boyfriend's wife is completely disgusted and at this point plans to make their D as ugly and financially draining on him as possible. I hope she has some good friends and support - she's really going to need it. I have fleeting thoughts about finding out who she is and helping to befriend/support her, but talk about making our complicated situation even worse. I need to focus on myself and my M for now and hope she finds the support she needs.

awesome!!!

Hi Stilltryin - thanks for your thoughts on the depression/meds too. I agree, it's natural for all of us to be pretty down right now. I would be more hesitant I think except that chemical depression runs so strongly in my family and I've had signs of it for a long time. Even when things are going GREAT for me and I've got every reason in the world to be happy, it takes a lot of effort for me to smile, socialize with people, etc. All the way back to my college graduation or celebrating getting my first "real" job I remember people telling me "Smile, this is a good thing!" Heck I think part of why I fell in love with my H is it was easier for me to laugh and smile around him.

I've been doing a lot better on the eating thing. I found these protein shakes that I really like and can keep down even on the worst days. In case anyone's interested here's a link:
http://www.eatsmartmrp.com/ingredients.aspx

It's all really healthy ingredients and they are pretty good flavor wise. I have been forcing myself to have a small shake every morning for breakfast and it has definitely helped me feel a bit better. I haven't eaten much sugar except on very rare occasions in years and agree, it helps me feel much better!!

Last week's goals were to get my eating under control and continue with the dressing better, doing my hair, etc. And to get started with the counseling sessions.

This week's goal is to work daily treadmill time in along with the other changes (that, and of course get through Thanksgiving). I look forward to the exercise, it'll feel good!!

Sounds good Nikkib. In my opinion, I think you seem like a reasonably happy/depressed (for lack of a better word!) person. Surely, you've used this site for venting and when you are at your worst, and I have yet to see you without hope or without goodness about you. So, even if mental imbalances run in your family, I think you've hidden it pretty well!

I always kind of wonder if most people have some sort of depression, or something going on. When I was depressed for 2 weeks in bed, and then decided to really pray and focus on Jesus, and then finding the DR book, I took control of my feelings for the most part, and decided to make myself "happy". I say this because I was purposely trying to react to my husband in positive ways even if he did something to me that I was offended by or didn't like. Eventually, the following experience happened to me.

Whenever my H would want to do things outside of me, I would be hurt and depressed (of course because I allowed him to be the reason for my happiness, anyways). Basically, because he never wanted to do anything with just me.

Well, after making conscious efforts to react positively to whatever he would say, one day he said the following to me.

"I was thinking, that when I come back from my trip, I'm going to take S8 to a movie". Well, normally, if he would say anything like that, I would think, "oh, fine, you won't ever take me to a movie, but you'll take our son." ya, pretty selfish though, but that's how I always felt, totally neglected. Well, instead of thinking that, I immediately said, "that sounds like a great idea". And after I said it, I was shocked that it came out of my mouth and I didn't even have to think about it.

So, my point being, is this. I think that when people constantly try to think positively or act positively, eventually, they will automatically feel that way without trying. If you think of it the opposite way, meaning, try to think negatively about everything and act negatiely, of course that is what we will become.

Of course the drug thing is something you will have to decide for yourself. I just don't want you to think that you NEED to have it. But overall, I want your M to work, so if you think that is the best thing for you to do, then it is your choice to do it.


I think your goals sound great. In regards to reading too much into what happened the other night. It's okay. You need this night to boost your ego. Especially since your H continued the mood into the next day, it wasn't like he woke up and thought, man, I made a mistake, what did I do that for. So, relish in it, but just don't think that it's all over and nothing bad can happen now, because then you'll set yourself up. you may still have hurdles yet to overcome.

Nikki,
I just caught up with your thread. I have to tell you, I was very upset by it, because the feeling I got from your description of your H the other day, was so much like mine. It was like he was going, and there was nothing you could do to stop it. But, I didn't have DB at the time. I really did try, even without DB, acting 'as if', from a different book. But, I felt him slipping away. What your H did this weekend, was totally different than anything mine did. I'm so happy for you. I hope that he is not in MLC, and is just slightly screwed up, and that you pulled him out of it. Enjoy it, and I sure hope so much for you that he continues to be positive toward your relationship. Im very happy for you. Still Trying is right, be prepared, incase he slips, but, keep your PMA up, now that he's noticed it. So glad he's contacted his old friends too. It's definately a good sign.

Once

Thanks Stilltryin! I am still on the fence a bit about the meds.. at first when she suggested it I really wanted to give them a try but now I'm wavering a bit. H really wants me to try them for at least a month just to see if there's a big difference. You're right that I do hide it well! I have to be feeling pretty awful before anyone seems to see it.

The rest of the weekend was very strange compared to Friday night. Sat. was pretty good and my H seemed happy most of the day, but Sat. night he got very distant and started talking incessantly about EA/OW again. He apparently ran into her former best friend earlier in the day and they had a long talk about her. I say former best friend because the OW moved in with this friend after leaving her H - they got into a big fight not long after, and haven't spoken since. I think it was her only female friend but they'd been friends for over 10 years. The big fight was because the friend didn't know OW had been cheating on her H and figured it out, and I guess had a lot of strong words to say about it. Oh, and apparently the friend felt that OW was "hitting on" her new boyfriend all the time (sound familiar?? I swear she cannot be around a man and NOT hang all over him).

So my H caught the OW in a lie and was REALLY upset about it. She always told H that the friend threw her out of the house and did the "poor me" thing. I actually knew that she hadn't been kicked out but apparently H didn't know that, and was all shocked that she would lie to him. I think he wouldn't have believed the best friend either except that I confirmed her story. I had pushed OW herself on it back when I was attempting to be friends with her and she admitted that she had chosen to move because she didn't like the way her friend talked to her about the affair (guess she didn't want the truth). I finally said to H "I know I look down on her, but do you see that you put her on a pedastal? I mean it's like she can do no wrong. She cheated on her H, she's in an R with a married man - please just think about it." He agreed he puts her on a pedastal but he had the weirdest reply and I haven't been able to stop thinking about it. He said "She didn't start dating [boyfriend] until she had decided to leave her H. So it's not really like she cheated on him." I said "But she hadn't told him yet and hadn't made any move to leave yet right?" and H said "No, but she had already decided to leave." I didn't say what I wanted to say, but all I can think is - does that mean because H is considering leaving that he also considers himself "single" now? Or am I totally projecting and he doesn't even see the parallels between her situation and ours?? I think I'll put this on my list of stuff to talk to the MC about privately. Oh and get this... H thinks the boyfriend is cheating on OW already. sheesh. I should write a book or soap opera script or something.

He also talked about getting his ski pass for the season and I had to say something. Well I guess I didn't HAVE to and maybe I shouldn't have, but I felt like I really needed to stand up for myself a bit. I'm trying to give him space but still express the most important of my own needs (similar to what I had to do for Thanksgiving, putting my foot down about her being here). I said "I know you love skiing and I want you to go, but can I ask you for one thing? Can I ask that you not go alone, just the two of you, until we figure out what's going on with us?" He got really upset at first but then said "Yeah I know it's wrong to go alone with her." I named off a whole bunch of his friends who like to ski and he said some other people from work are talking about going too - and I said again "I'm not asking you not to go and I'm not asking you to sacrifice an activity you like just because I can't do it with you - I know I've made that mistake in the past. All I'm asking for is that you don't go alone with her." He said that she's the only one who will consistently go - but then commented that will probably change if she starts spending more time with her boyfriend so he will hold off on getting the ski pass. I suggested he go with her H - they actually get along and he could probably use a friend right now!

I'm not sure what to make of it all.. nothing I guess, but it's so hard not to overanalyze everything!! Part of why he says he regrets getting married is not being "free" to do whatever he wants. I know I need to give him space but I mean... yes, that IS part of being married is not being 100% free to do whatever you want. I am giving him a lot more space and realize that if I don't he'll make sure he has all the space he needs by leaving, but for now I don't think it's totally unreasonable to ask for this. I dunno.. I hope that wasn't a mistake. Any thoughts??