Just to let you know-its not my H nature to make the first move either. He NEVER has. It's not until I totally stopped doing ANYTHING that he started. It took about 2 weeks. He finally figured out that I was not calling him or making any move towards him in any way. I think it freaked him out. Its so not like me to do this. This is what Michele is talking about in her book. He LEFT. Leave him alone. Completely. Start thinking about you and stop thinking about him. He will notice you have changed. If you don't change, neither will he. I know its scary and its hard but if you really want a chance, this is what you have to do. My H is pursuing me like crazy, and he is NOT the type at all. He knows I've had enough and I've started living a life that does not include him. He decided he did not like it much I guess. Good luck! Rachael
sue, you sound like I did not long ago...what if we weren't meant to be together and just were...stop asking yourself these questions they are not productive.... and know that right now though you want to work on the r by talking about it with h...you cant...you need to work on the r by working on yourself...you've only just accepted the ff as being just a "friend", deal with that accept that...deal with you...find more of the peace you have been finding for yourself..whatever issues your h has to work out are his to work out...if he is calling to come by and do laundry and watch a movie with YOU that is a good sign...try to hold back the tears at least for now...show h that you are strong and can get through this...because you are and you can!!! LL
Should I have said I am sad when you leave, or I would like just a tiny hug??
I have read dr, but somewhere someone has to make the first move, and I know my h, and that is not his nature to initiate the first move.
Dont ask for a hug, or a kiss, or for him to tell you ILY. I know you want to and it IS hard...but in my experience, completely counter-productive!
And HE has to make the first move! That is crucial. Actualy, it is also false! You have aready made the moves you need to do, now you dont even have the ball anymore...It's in his court, and is you try to take it away from him...again, counter-productive!
Hi all... it was a busy weekend, and I have done some major overhauling of my attitude this weekend. You are all right in that i have to let him make the moves. I know that, it just gets clouded sometimes. I watched a wonderful movie last night"THe Christmas Shoes", bot does that hit home about being thankful for what you have, and that possesions are not what is important in life. I will try to keep the pma up, and enjoy what is all around me. YOu guys are great to help me put things in perspective. Have a great week Sue
Just some venting, i posted earlier about talking to my sister, and the assumptions, relatives asking her things for quite ahwile.. anyway I talked to her today and it all came up again about how she thinks my h made bad choices and should not have close frienship with opposite sex...I told her no one knows but the two of us what has really happened in our m, and that I am angry that people and relatives have come to her and "told" her that they saw h out with ff. They are concerned for me.. bullsh**She does not want me to be buffaloed, although she knows my h is a decent man, he must be going through mlc, and that it all occured 3 years ago when he quit his job, and needed "her" to make him feel better.. Just where does she get off thinking all this??? The only thing I evere talked about with her was this spring I told her that he might leave, and that he had a ff that i was not sure about. I recently told her though that I had misjudged what I thought was going on, and that my emotions were taking over my thinking. I said that because people saw him out does not mean something is going on, she said if she saw a married male friend out with someone other than the w, human nature would make you wonder.I said and that is what is wrong in this society.I love my sister(I have another whom I don't get along with) and know that she would never want to hurt me or my h, but I am tired of the judgement that has been placed on him. I have played a role in this m faultering.
Later in the day h called me at work and I had to vent a little of what she said, he said did these people tell her that there were other people from work with them when they saw him, I said she implied that he was alone with ff.He said no.He also said that only we know what has occured and the rest is their problem. I told him that I was bringing it all up because I am angry and frustrated with what people say behind our backs, and not because I am doubting again what he has told me and I asked him if he knows that I believe him, he said yes.He again said this is their problems.When I talk to him, I hear the old h that I fell in love with, yet the new confident h that is discovering his own feelings.After talking to sister, for the first time in in a long time I thought for just a minute "what if he really is pulling something over on me".When will those feelings go away??When/if we repair our m? Maybe never, I don't know right now, I do know they are further and fewer between. Must be a good sign. I feel better now that I journaled. Sue
Sue - being able to journal is a good thing, to express how we're feeling without having to dump on our spouses. I can feel your frustration with your family asking questions and pumping your sister for information. Very early on I made the decision not to talk to family and friends about our situation. W has been getting conflicting advice from family (her sister) and close friends about what she should do. Remarkably someone advising her has mentioned following guidelines that sound very much like DBing ("fake it till you make it", for example). However W seems determined to go down her own road.
I would take it as a good sign that the questions/doubts are fewer and happening less often. Will they ever fully disappear? Probably not - but it is wonderful that you're seeing your "old" H with some new characteristics that are positive.
We're expecting a crappy weather day in NC - wintery mix from around lunchtime to sometime tomorrow morning. Glad that I don't have a long commute and that the kids' school and daycare are only a few minutes away from the house.
H called me at work(again!!) but he always has a reason, never just to say "hi"but that's ok, anyways I make cookies for his bank every month as customer appreciation Friday, and they also wanted some for staff party tomorrow night, and in the process of telling me what they needed he asked if I was ok with doing it still. I said of course I was, why< well some *itch at his place called the person in charge of getting the cookies and told them that it will be a problem for me to do them, because "we are having problems". H told this other person what was going on, now mind you he has onlt told 3 people at his work, 1 is ff, I don't know other 2, but he trusts that none of these have repeated, so he was upset that people are talking. I said I knew that would happen. We live in a small town and are known well. He said how come some of our friends support us both while other people say things that they really don't know the truth, again I said people(especially a group of women)gossip and repeat and repeat... he said that kind of stuff does not help us(not sure what he meant by that).I said as long as we know what is going on, it won't matter. It is a cruel world out there. I have learned a very valuable lesson so far about gossip. While I like to hear the office talk, I was always careful who said what and i never repeated what I thought was hurtful or gossip.So h is dealing with "talk". I have not asked him why he has not told others. Is he guilty, ashamed,hoping for reconciliiation down the road, knows for sure that we never will????OR does he think it is no ones bussiness. I do not broadcast it, but did tell my co-workers on my floor and my boss(who has a BIG mouth). Just another thing to deal with in a complicated sitch. Gotta go, cookies to bake Bye Sue
However W seems determined to go down her own road. 
