Hi, feeling pretty good right now, but then I was last weekend too, and it went from great to bad. Oh well, anyways have to tell you, that last night h came home about 9 p.m.Seemed to be in good mood, so i talked alittle. This morning (and I have learned he does not like to talk)he came up to get dressed, and he walked out, came back in and told me a funny story about our pastor. he actually laughed, and he has not done that in front of me for a long time. This afternoon he called me to tell me that he and secretary at church would work on a booklet that I need for a volunteer project, and we talked alittle more, I told him our d was thinking of changing majors, and that son was making cookies!!(he's 22!) H actually was pleasant to me, and he has not been much of anything lately.
This wekend is a large pumpkin parade, and some freinds from church asked us ove, I did not know if he would go, but I was going to, he said he was !! So, good things are happening, I just am on guard that they might not last(that is the pesimist part of me). I can't expect that things are ok now, as he might at any time feel stressed here. But I am going to continue to be the best i can be. Bye
Quoting hoping: I can't expect that things are ok now, as he might at any time feel stressed here. But I am going to continue to be the best i can be.
The trick is to not be the one that stresses him . Dont be on guard...he'll sens that! Be relaxed and pleasant and then he wont have any reason to get stressed out. Or at least YOU wont be his reason to get stressed out! If he does get stressed, dont do or say anything, continue to be reaxed and pleasant OR remove yourself from the situation. Dont go storming out, just be pleasant and say you have things to do and leave him alone for a while. I bet when you come back, he'll be in a better mood!
Then again, this scenario may not even happen and you may end up having a wonderfull weekend !
You know, when we had the talk last weekend and he said he has that feeling of having to be on his own to think things through, he said it was not me, that I was not doing anything different but that he just gets these feelings that he needs to be alone.Deep down it has to be me though, if he was having trouble anywhere else in his life, he would not have to move out to deal with them. Sometimes I want to say to him that maybe there are many times I would like to move out and not have any cares about the rest of the family, the house and all that goes with it, but I don't say it because it is not how you solve the problems, yet if that is what one person feels is the way, then I am more open minded to that now.Who knows, but he does seem to be feeling better and talking more to me. Even came home a little earlier the past few nights, yet I did the same stuff as usual, I don't run to sit by his side, as I think that makes him wonder what I am going to say. Have a great day Sue
sue, when my h, left it was not said to be because of me, it was because he had "issues" to deal with. I too thought why can't you stay here and work on your issues?? why do you have to leave? what good will it do us???
turns out my h's issue was the fact that he had fallen in love with his friend. well i'm sure that wasn't his only issue, was also the fact that I didn't believe it to be just a friendship (after all why did he hide it from me) and that we just weren't getting along anyway.
so basically no, it is not about you totaly, he has his own issues to deal with. sounds like you are doing a great job of letting him be. and when you think things are turning in a direction you don't like, just remember it's always darkest before the dawn. LL
LL, deep down even though I am trying so hard to understnd this ff, my assuming mind wonders if this is part of picture, and time will tell, but for now with all that he has been saying I have to hold onto the hope that it is not. I have spent the last 3 years building up assumptions that have not be proven and have not been true, so I can't do that anymore. H did say to me today that I had not asked anymore about him moving out and I said" I figured when you were ready to tell me anything that you would" He said he went to look at one, and then no more was said. I did sk him to please tell our kids something ahead of time and not just spring it on them. Sounds like he is still going to leave and I am at peace with it right now. I don't know if I am in denile or really really hoping that it is what he needs to realize that he does want our m in the end. I am concerned about what our kids will think, what friends and family will think, but that is one thing in my life that I have to stop worrying about all the time, people are so mean and judge things without knowing the facts and people gossip, but will deal with that(ihope). i have a tendancy to judge before knowing all, and that too is an area that I need to work on. I did ask h if he wanted anything at liquorstore today, as we are going to friends tomorrow, and he asked me to go with him and then out to our church to clean up after a craft show there, so... that is more contact that he has asked me for in the past few months. I hope I can keep up my pma. Sue
Just an update to our day, went to church, then we had to run an errand before going to church friends house for parade. i asked him again where the apt. was that he had looked at, and he drove me past it!! It looked kinda yucky.But then they are so expensive, as much or more than our ouse payment. He really had no more to say, so I backed off, no more questions. When we were walking to friends, i was asking him about ff divorce and problems that she is having with her h, and my h seemd very calm to talk about it, and I genuianly listened with no judgment as I would have used to do.There is a certain length of time that you are married and then when you are ss age, you get part of h money(I told him about a case in court where the couple were married 1 week short of this time frame, and held off having judge sign divorce decree so wife could collect this $) That is sad. Rest of day went great, we have so much fun with all these people,the one friend knows some of our sitch, as does the pastor, but I feel comfortable around them. As I said earlier this week, h seems more at ease after talking to pastor.I keep praying each night that he won't leave, but also ask for strength for both of us if he does. See ya Sue
Hi Sue, You're doing a great job of hanging in there despite the recent turn of events. However, don't get to wrapped up in him saying he wants to leave, even if he is looking at apartments. I get the impression that he is not in any hurry to move out. This is in your favor. Keep the course and continue to act "as-if" he may never move out.
For four months my W hunted for an apartment ... insisting she had to strike out on her own. Put some money down on a couple, but in the end never moved out and believe me I didn't get to the level of detachment that you have achieved until much later. My point is Sue, there is no certainty that he IS moving out yet, and Dbing is still more effective when there is more contact (even if it is just you showing him you can keep your distance when he needs it). So there is still (should I say a 50-50) chance it may never get to that point. Stay your ground ... you are still getting baby steps even if it is two steps forward ... one step back.
I know that time is still on my side, I wonder if I am numbing myself or I am in denial thinking that he would never go??I have many mixed feelings, I feel so strong at times, yet I don't know how I will handle it all. I am sure they are normal, and everyone has their own way of dealing with it. Thanks for the pick me up, kaw, it helps. Sue
Sue - thanks for stopping by my thread yesterday. On the days when I am feeling down, I usually stop for a couple of moments and think about our two kids and realize that I am doing the right thing by them to do what I can to build a better marriage for us. I wonder sometimes whether W will decide to leave - she did that in her two previous marriages. But as W and I would sometimes say: "We'll burn that bridge when we get to it."
BTW - there is a thread in the "Just for Fun" section about the Winter DB getaway being planned for the beginning of February in Breckenridge, CO. Apparently a number of the people on the MLC board rally together twice a year for mutual support and a chance to just get away for a couple of days. You might want to check it out - I'm still debating whether to go or not. Plane costs from Raleigh to Denver shouldn't be too bad - plus I've never snow skied before. Yikes!
It's perfectly normal to have a range of feelings - including numb. I'm not sure if everyone has their own way of dealing with it. I think we're all pretty much forced into dealing with it in the same way.
Whether you're feeling numb, panicky, or anything in between, all you can do is ride it out.
And when you're feeling good, enjoy it to the max.
Time is on your side. When you started to have problems with your R, it didn't just happen over night. It took a long time. Things were going wrong long before you even knew it.
The same thing happens in reverse. Things start getting better long before you or even your H realize it.
That's something to keep in mind when you're feeling down. Much is happening behind the scenes.
So like KAW said, stay your ground. Keep a positive outlook, and wait for things to become tangible.
It's all happening, Sue. Just hang onto yourself until you can see it happening.
. Dont be on guard...he'll sens that! Be relaxed and pleasant and then he wont have any reason to get stressed out. Or at least YOU wont be his reason to get stressed out! If he does get stressed, dont do or say anything, continue to be reaxed and pleasant OR remove yourself from the situation. Dont go storming out, just be pleasant and say you have things to do and leave him alone for a while. I bet when you come back, he'll be in a better mood!
