sue, my h was a "support" to his friend because for some reason her h wasn't, by being a support he was stopping by her home three times a week ( for a half hour or so) talking to her daily, taking her out to lunch and lying to me about it the whole time even after the friendship came out. he developed feelings for her and left not just for her but because he was not happy here. h still claims there was no pa with her, he did admit to wanting (that was admitted while he was still in i want a d mode) to. but still claims their r never got to that point. it just wasn't like that, they were friends. I want to believe him and most of the time do believe him. your h sounds like a good man, do you believe him?? LL
From my experience, it isn’t fishy. There are those who have different experiences, but the way I see it, if he were having an affair, he’d come up with a more imaginative alibi than passing out drunk at another woman’s house.
I also think that he still is the same person you married. But he’s troubled. It really sounds like MLC to me. But, I also have to say that MLC isn’t a standard mould into which everyone fits perfectly. Infidelity is a common symptom of MLC, but it’s not mandatory.
I really think that my W and I are both going through MLC. She behaves much as your H does. She has a close MF, and initially I was excluded from their “circle.” W even told me that she’s making friends of her own, and I should do the same.
It was hard for me to believe that they weren’t more than friends. Especially considering the exclusive nature of their friendship, and my feelings were hard to control because of a major depression.
They did not have an affair. Not even an EA. Despite my sense of rejection, I never sought solace in someone else.
You’re not crazy for having these doubts or feelings, Sue. What you fear happens. There’s no denying that. But I don’t believe that your fears reflect reality in your case. Your fears are what’s driving you crazy.
And if you let your fears get the better of you, they’ll drive a wedge between you and your H.
Your H’s FF makes him feel good. She makes him feel like a good person because he can help her. He can “be there” for a fellow human being, and they have fun together
From your H’s perspective, you have problems accepting that. So, you make him feel bad about having friends, and about helping people.
He’s also rebelling against society. “Society” dictates that a male-female relationship is always suspect. He’s gonna show the world that this isn’t true.
Yes. He’s gonna show the world, and he’s gonna start with you.
You worry that she’s gonna replace you. That’s not his intent. My take on LL’s story is that her H was doing the same thing, and since he couldn’t convince her, he just gave up and moved out. Once he had moved out, he no longer felt bound to his M. Again, he wouldn’t let society dictate that they couldn’t start a R.
But a relationship based on rebellion is doomed, and now he wants back into a REAL relationship.
I hope you think about this, Sue. Does it sound logical?
If it does, then think about this. If your H is rebelling, then you’re either part of the solution or part of the problem.
hey andy, thanks for your take on my sit, I believe you are right in what their r was, but it was deciet and they both knew it, even conspired a lie together for me. yes h now wants the real r he had with me (or to start one) rather then starting a real r with her, possibly what made him come home was her telling her h she wanted out of their m, a bit to real for my h. I am trying to move on but need help keeping my mouth shut about ow. could you stop by my thread on newcomers and offer a bit of insight. current thread "new attitude"
thanx LL
sue, I do believe andy is right in what ow is to our h's. LL
LL, yes he is a good man, has never had any history of hurting anyone, especially me. Do i believe him? Deep down I do, but then I can't let that be enough because I think he would not be doing all these things if there was not something else occuring. I think I am going to call our c and go talk to her alone. I asked h if he thought we should go again, and he said maybe later on. He really seems to need the space, but I think he is afraid to make the big move,and it is a big move to set up another house hold.
Andy-Thank you sooo much, you have a way of putting things into perspective. It all seem so logical, except I hate to admitt I don't understand that "I'm either part of the solution or the problem" Sorry!(can anyone tell me how to use the graemlins and quote) Sue
“I just want to be ME! I just want to have friends and not be judged by society. Why can’t I choose my friends without having to worry about whether they’re male or female?”
He doesn’t want to hurt anyone, including you. But he is “doing all of these things” because he wants to, and he wants you to accept it at face value.
I don’t think he’s planning his "big move." If he can have space whilst staying at home, he doesn’t have to.
That doesn’t mean that you have to live parallel lives whilst living under the same roof, though. But if he has the feeling that you’re stifling him, he’s gonna keep his distance.
Hi Sue,
I believe Andy's comment is that your H is rebelling to prove opposite sex friendships are acceptable on a platonic level. Then your protests about the OW put you in the position of being apart of what he is rebelling against, so you are part of the problem. On the other hand, if you show your support for his friendship to her, then you are part of the solution or in other words, you are showing him you are on his side in his stance instead of against him.
However, there is still the issue of consideration for your partner. But instead of confronting him about it which may push him futher away, consider a true 180 in every sense and plan a late night out for yourself when you know he will be home. Be mysterious and tell as little as possible about your plans. Ideally, cross paths as he comes home, be heading out and try to get out with only a "Gotta go..." This way you place him in a position of experiencing your point of view and he just may relate it to what he has been doing. Oh BTW, if you do go out, do plan something that you will enjoy spending the time to do and not just to be out to make the point. It is as much for your benefit and it is for his, hence a 180 in many different ways.
P.S. Due to computer issues here, I see Andy responded before I got my post up ... oh, well.
Thanks again you guys for the support. A light went off with me today, and I am wondering all along if I have been causing most of the issues here. I am not going to take full blame, but all this started when h got new job, after 20 years at same place. He did not have the friendships there as he does at new place.The ff was at old place too, and h just told me the other day that when he was hired, the president asked him if ff and he were having an a!!So, old job must have assumed something back then, and told that durinf referneces. There have been numerous people that have asked my sister if we were together last year, as they saw h with ff out together. Why do people have to judge that an A is going on because they see people out that are not married to each other. When he has been out (at least that I know about), it has been after office functions, and I am not included in those, and I don't like sitting in smokey bars!!
I really need to work on me alot more, to deal with the freind issue, but that is not the only problem, as he brought up these other things that I had said that hurt him.I said in c, that I can't change the things that were said, I can only hope for forgiveness, so he has to work through those. Andy, I hope you are right about the move, but he asked me the other morning if I had gotten the newspaper. You know I have hopefully accepted that he is leaving, but the thing that bothers me the most is our kids, I want him to tell them ahead of time-not spring it on them, and since the 1st is coming up, I am afraid(there is that would fear again)that next weekend he will be packing up. When I reread my posts, I hear a lot alot fear, I have always been like that, worrying, assuming what will happen.This is really an eye opener for me. I am just not sure how to begin to make life long changes. It is easy to think that I have been db'ing, but something has not been working, even though I can see and feel many good things that I have learned,I have lots to do. Again, I think I will go to c alone, and try to sort some some out. Bye, I know that i keep saying thanks, but you guys have been great, you seem to know how to sort things out, and of course you are in piecing, so you must have something right. I think your spouses are lucky ,they just don't know it yet! Bye Sue
Been doing some soul searching.The last few posts have really made me think about my life. I need to do some serious searching and changing. When I think about the past 20 years my h has been nothing but supportive, if I did not want to work then I did not have to, when I did that was ok too. If I wanted to do something he usually wet along with it, even though he might not have wanted to. I could spend any amount on anything(as long as we had it)and he never asked why, If the house was messy he never said what did you do all day. In return I thought I was the perfect wife, but I did not want him to have functions at night because I was home all day with the kids and I did not want to be home alone at night too. I did not want him to sing in choir, then I had to always sit alone. I did not really come right out and say no to him, but the message was clear, and that is what he is bringing up now,and that is why the big change when he left old job, got new friends, went out etc...
i even thought I have not given the ff a chance as a person, I only have seen her as a threat from the beginning. And I know she is going through a very troubled time right now. I am not a selfish person, although it sure sounds like it. i would give my shirt off my back for anyone, i need to stop worryring and wondering what other people think. I even called h at work and asked if he thought she might go some craft shows our town is having this weekend, and he said maybe, why not call her. i did and she is going out of town, but said some other time she would love to!!! I don't want my h to think that i am making some effort to keep him here, as I keep telling myself it will be ok if he leaves( if he does though i am scared to death I will fall apart- I appear to be stronger than I really am, yet I seem to be stronger than I thought I ever would be) I don't know if I phrased that right. Sue
